[at a Georgetown bar] Is everything all right, Zoey?
G2Guy 2
Hey. He just called her Zoey.
Come on, let's go back to the table.
G1Guy 1
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. What's up Sammy?
[Zoey moves towards Charlie and the guys block her]
G1Guy 1
Excuse me. Excuse me. We're just trying to buy the girl a drink, man.
She's 19 years old man. You'd have to take her to Maryland.
G3Guy 3
Check out Super Fly.
G1Guy 1
No. Why don't you go? Alright?
Look guys. You don't know who this is. You don't want any trouble. Just be cool, alright?
Yeah. I'm just saying, I'm looking out for you.
G1Guy 1
I understand what you're saying. You just want me to be cool, alright?
Can I buy you guys a round?
G3Guy 3
Like LL Cool J man, like Ice-T.
G2Guy 2
Ice cube, Ice tray man.
...
G1Guy 1
Why don't you do some of that hip-hop for us G-Funk?
G2Guy 2
Dr. Huffy Puffy dread man, Dr Dolittle Man?
Would you let us by please?
G1Guy 1
No. What are you doing here with this girl? Huh? Huh? Cause you know what, to me you look to be Dr. Faggot!
[coming up from behind] Hey! What the hell is going on around here?
G1Guy 1
Who the hell are you?
G1Guy 1
Kiss your what, Fairy Poppins?
G1Guy 1
Hey, you want to go?
G1Guy 1
You want to go? Let's do it. Right now. Come on.
Josh[coming up from behind Charlie] How's everybody doin'?
G1Guy 1
Oh good, more fairy boys.
Josh
Excuse me?
G1Guy 1
I said, more fairy boys.
Josh
Oh, this is too good to be true.
[Mallory and C.J. come up behind Josh and Sam]
G2Guy 2
[indicating Josh] Hey, I recognize this guy. [indicating Zoey] And she looks familiar too.
Josh
[Pressing Zoey's panic button] Yeah. You guys don't realize it, but you're having a pretty bad night.
G1Guy 1
[Sarcastic and aggressive] Oh really - and who's gonna give it to us, huh?
[The door slams open and Secret Service agents burst in]
[Josh and Sam raise their arms and point at the three guys]
SJSam and Josh
Right here!
[The agents grab the startled and protesting guys and force them head-first onto the bar whilst one grabs Zoey and guides her out protectively]
AAgent
Shut up! I swear to God I'll blow your head off. Everybody stand back.
G1Guy 1
[to Charlie] Hey, I ain't done with you, Sammy.
My name is Charlie Young, jackass. And if that bulge in your pocket's an 8-ball of blow, you'll be spending Spring Break in a federal prison. [to Josh] Now I'm having a good time.
I'm not wild about this whole Indonesian thing.
Josh
What's the problem?
I've been doing some reading on my own.
Josh
I wish you wouldn't do that.
Josh
Because you tend to cull some bizarre factoid from a less than reputable source and then you blow it all out of proportion.
Josh
Donna...
I just thought you might like to know that in certain parts of Indonesia, they summarily execute people they suspect of being sorcerers.
Josh
What?
Josh
They... summarily execute people they suspect of being sorcerers?
Josh
Sorcerers.
Gangs of roving people. Beheading those they suspect of being sorcerers. You know with... what's that thing that Death carries?
Josh
A scythe.
They're doing it with a scythe.
Josh
Well, thanks for the head's up.
I thought you might like to know who's coming over for dinner.
Josh
You bet.
MMilitary officer
Negotiate what?
Josh
This is a stand off with federal officers. A peaceful settlement is "put your guns down, you're under arrest."
I think it would be wise if we demonstrated that we exhausted every possible peaceful solution before we got all Ramboed up.
Josh
I don't think it's unreasonably macho for the White House to be aggressive in preserving democracy.
Let me tell you something. Ultimately, it is not the nuts that are the greatest threat to democracy, as history has shown us over and over and over again, the greatest threat to democracy is the unbridled power of the state over its citizens. Which, by the way, that power is always unleashed in the name of preservation.
Josh
This isn't abstract, Mandy. This isn't a theoretical problem. The FBI says come out with your hands up, you come out with your hands up. At which point, you're free to avail yourself of the entire justice system.
Do you really believe that? Or are you just pissed off because I got into the game?
Yellowstone, established by an act signed by Ulysses S. Grant was the nation's first national park - March 1, 1872.
Josh
[stands] It's getting late, sir. I was wondering, are we through for the evening?
[smiling] Well, we're through with work, Josh, but this part's fun.
Josh
What part, sir?
The part where I get you to sit down, and teach you a little something.
Josh
[sits] Ah.
Josh
You're not tired, sir?
Josh
Perhaps, if you get into bed and...
I'm a national park buff. I bet you didn't know that about me.
Josh
Well, I didn't know that about you, sir, but I'm certainly not surprised.
Josh
You're... quite a nerd, Mr. President.
Josh
Yes, sir.
I assume that was said with all due respect.
Josh
Yes, sir.
Is it nerd-like to know that Everglades National Park is the largest remaining subtropical wilderness in the continental United States, and has extensive mangrove forests?
Josh
Just a little bit. Yes, sir.
There are 54 national parks in the country, Josh.
Josh
Please tell me you haven't been to all of them.
I have been to all of them. I should show you my slide collection.
Josh
Oh, would you?
[counting on his fingers] Grand Canyon, Bryce Canyon, Badlands, Capitol Reef, Acadia, which is so often overlooked...
Josh
You should certainly feel free to keep talking, but I need to go home so I could be back in my office in... four hours.
Josh
See, the thing is, I can't leave without your permission.
Petrified Forest, North Cascades, Joshua Tree, Shenandoah National Park, right here in Virginia! [bangs hand on couch] We should organize a staff field-trip to Shenandoah. I could even act as the guide. What do you think?
Josh
[Under his breath] Good a place as any to dump your body.
Josh
...Did I say that out loud?
See, and I was gonna let you go home.
Josh
[Sinking feeling] ...But instead?
We're gonna talk about Yosemite.
He said one in three White House staffers are on drugs?
Where does he get these stats?
I mean where does he pull them from?
Out of the clear blue sky, but that doesn't matter!
[to Margaret] Is someone bringing me a tape on this?
This isn't happening to me.
Nothing's happened, stay cool.
[walks in] Is it possible for Peter Lillianfield to be a bigger jackass? You think if he tried hard, there's room for him to be a slightly bigger horse's ass than he's being right now?
At some point you hit your head on the ceiling, don't you?
I think there's unexplored potential.
Josh
[enters] ‘Sup.
Josh
Five White House staffers in the room. I would like to say to the 1.6 of you who are stoned right now that it's time to share.
LLaurie
I can't believe you. What, did you get this out of a book?
Josh
It was my idea.
LLaurie
Oh! What are you, the brains of the outfit?
Josh
Yeah, I am. And I got to tell you, I could care less about your indignation right now. A man has left himself open to the kind of attack from which men in my business do not recover. Now if our tactics seem less than civilized it's because so are our attackers. In any event, I don't feel like standing here taking a civics lesson from a hooker.
Josh
What?
Exactly what I asked you not to do.
Josh
Leo.
You went and saw Sam's friend?
Josh
You had us tailed?
Why did you have us tailed?
On the off chance that you're as stupid as you look. Whose idea was this?
Josh
It was mine. Sam was a reluctant accomplice. You had us tailed?
She didn't give us anything.
Josh
Leo.
It's not what we do, Josh.
That may be true, but still...
You should apologize to that girl for even asking.
Like I'm not gonna have enough problems without the Keystone Cops.
Josh
We meant well.
Is that supposed to mean something to me?
Josh
No.
Josh
I'm glad.
What, the country isn't open Christmas Eve?
So if the Capitol building blows up, the man my country will be looking to is the Secretary of Agriculture?
Josh
It's my country too.
Yeah, but you'll be dead.
Josh
Which is why I really don't care that much.
Josh
[Cutting Donna off] Donna, I really don't anticipate the Capitol building exploding.
What percentage of things exploding have been anticipated?
Josh
Now you're bringing me down.
Josh
We've got a bit of a sticky wicket.
Please don't tell me I'm staying here and working late tonight.
Josh
I need you to read a report.
I'm a woman in her prime, Josh, I'm a prime woman.
Josh
There's no doubt about it, but I need you to read this anyway.
Josh
We want Congress to sign off on funds for a hundred thousand new teachers. They say, fine, but you gotta stipulate that in Sex Ed classes....
Josh
Yes.
I would have no trouble passing such a class.
Josh
We commissioned a report about a year ago on Sex Education in public schools, and, well, this is it.
Josh
It's not good.
Josh
It says basically that teaching 'abstinence only' doesn't work--that people are going to be prone to have sex whether they're cautioned against it or not.
Well, what are they recommending?
Josh
Something called "abstinence plus".
Josh
Yes.
Josh
Well, Sam's renamed it 'everything but'.
Josh
Yes.
Josh
Yes.
They want teachers to teach...
Josh
Yes.
And so the sticky wicket joke was..?
Josh
A regrettable pun. Should I order you some food?
Y'know, I can't remember the last time I got home before midnight.
Josh
By the way, pages 27 to 33? A couple of things every girl should know.
The West Wing · 913 quotes
