Mrs. Landingham quotes from The West Wing

Toby

Mrs. Landingham, does the President have free time this morning?

The President has nothing but free time, Toby. Right now he's in the residence eating Cheerios and enjoying Regis and Kathie Lee. Should I get him for you?

Toby

Sarcasm's a disturbing thing coming from a woman of your age, Mrs. Landingham.

What age would that be, Toby?

Toby

Late twenties?

Atta boy.

Toby

Can I have a cookie?

No.

Good morning, Sam.

Sam

Good morning.

Have a cookie, Sam.

Charlie

This place looks great doesn't it?

Yeah.

Charlie

I've never seen a Christmas look like this, the trees, and the lights, and everybody singing.

Yeah.

Charlie

The presents...

Yeah.

Charlie

I brought it up because, I don't know, you seem a little down this week.

Yeah, I know Charlie. I tend to get a little down during the holidays.

Charlie

You don't like Christmas?

I miss my boys.

Charlie

I never knew you had kids.

Twins. Andrew and Simon. I tried not, you know, I dressed them differently, but they still did everything together. They went off to medical school together, and then they finished their second year at the same time, and of course their lottery number came up at the same time.

Charlie

For the draft?

Yeah.

Charlie

Well, I would have thought they could get a deferment to finish med school.

They didn't want one. Their father and I begged them, but they wanted to go where people needed doctors. Their father and I begged them, but you can't tell kids anything. So they joined up as medics and four months later they were pinned down during a fight in Da Nang and were killed by enemy fire. That was Christmas Eve 1970. [beat] You know, they were so young, Charlie, they were your age. It's hard when that happens so far away, you know because, with the noises and the shooting, they had to be so scared. It's hard not to think that right then they needed their mother... Anyway, I miss my boys.

How are you, Josh?

Josh

I've been subpoenaed.

Oh, I'm sorry, dear. Would you like a cookie?

Bartlet

Mrs. Landingham.

Yes sir?

Bartlet

You're not going to believe this but I think I'd actually like a banana.

I'm afraid not sir, no.

Bartlet

Why not?

You were offered one earlier, sir, and you were snippy.

Bartlet

I wasn't snippy!

I'm afraid you were, Mr. President. [looks toward the oval office] C.J.'s waiting, sir.

Bartlet

Thank you, Mrs. Landingham. [To CJ as he enters the Oval Office] She withholds food from me.

I'm not used to having members of the print media in here.

Danny

I'll try not to get ink on the furniture.

Aw, Danny, and I was just about to offer you a cookie.

Danny

And now?

No.

You're not getting enough roughage in your diet, you know I'm right about that.

Bartlet

I know I'd like to beat you senseless with a head of cabbage, I know that for damn sure.

Once again you display an immaturity about vegetables that I think is not at all Presidential.

Bartlet

You're not going to spoil my good time for me.

Oh, sir, I think we both know from experience that's not true.

Bartlet

Yeah.

You need to be in the car ten minutes ago, Mr. President.

Bartlet

Do you see me walking out the door?

No, I see you standing and arguing with a senior citizen.

In my day we knew how to protect ourselves.

Leo

Well, in your day you could pretty much turn back the Indians with a Daniel Boone musket, couldn't you?

Ah, sarcasm, the grumpy man's wit.

Leo

Go sharpen a pencil, would you?

Charlie

And why doesn't he ask the First Lady about the $500 check himself in the normal course of, you know, being married to her.

When the President inquires into the First Lady's personal bookkeeping, the First Lady gets angry at him... and yells.

Charlie

Well, she's gonna get angry and yell when I inquire too.

Well, the President doesn't care so much about that.

Charlie

[about the President's movie options] Well, he would have especially enjoyed the scene where the Prince Myshkin character has a seizure while engaging in an erotic fantasy in a Long Island church.

Charlie, please don't say the word "erotic" in the Oval Office.

Charlie

I'd be perfectly happy never to say any of those words anywhere ever again.

[about the President's movie options] And what was the other one about?

Charlie

"Prince of New York?"

Yeah.

Charlie

[reading off a sheet of paper] It's an updated version of Dostoyevsky's "The Idiot" which tells the story of a Christ-like epileptic young man who embodies goodness, but encounters sex, crime, and family dysfunction.

Hard to imagine why you didn't think the President would enjoy that, Charlie.

Charlie

Well, he would have especially enjoyed the scene where the Prince Myshkin character has a seizure while engaging in an erotic fantasy in a Long Island church.

Charlie, please don't say the word "erotic" in the Oval Office.

Charlie

I'd be perfectly happy never to say any of those words anywhere ever again.

Good evening, Mr. President.

Bartlet

Bob Crutchet?

Oh, sir. Surely you have better things to do than annoy me.

Bartlet

Never.

You know I could beat you up anytime I want, sir.

Bartlet

Secret Service would have you down like a calf at a rodeo.

[on her new car] When you get inside, there's this...

Bartlet

Smell?

How did you know?

Bartlet

It's the smell of freedom... and the chemicals they treat your dashboard with.

Why do you talk to me like this?

You've never had a big sister and you need one. Look at you. You're a Boy King. You're a foot smarter than the smartest kid in the class. You're blessed with inspiration. You must know this by now. You must have sensed it. Look, if you think we're wrong... if you think Mr. Hopkins should honestly get paid more than Mrs. Chadwick, then I respect that. But if you think we're right and you won't speak up because you can't be bothered, then God, Jed, I don't even want to know you.