Josh Lyman quotes from The West Wing

Josh

I can hold my liquor.

Donna

No, you can't.

Josh

I can drink with the best of 'em, Donna.

Donna

You can't drink with any of 'em, Josh.

Josh

I'm a politician, okay? I can drink.

Donna

You have a very sensitive system.

Josh

I wish you'd stop telling people that. It makes me sound like an idiot.

Donna

You're gonna have two drinks and spend the rest of the weekend sleeping it off.

C.J.

[knocks on Josh's door] Josh...

Josh

[looks up] What the hell happened?

C.J.

I had woot canal.

Josh

What happened to your cheeks?

C.J.

I had woot canal!

Josh

Why are you talking like that?

C.J.

I had woot canal!

Josh

Yeah, I heard you the first time, I was just amusing myself.

C.J.

I can suggesht some ovva fings you can do wif yourshelf!

Josh

Are you in pain?

C.J.

I HAD WOOT CANAL!

Josh

You're gonna need to stop saying that, 'cause you just look and sound so ridiculous.

Josh

You're going to be reading a bit today about your secret plan to fight inflation.

Bartlet

I have a secret plan to fight inflation?

Josh

No.

Bartlet

Why am I going to be reading that I do?

Josh

It was suggested in the press room that you do.

Bartlet

By who?

Josh

By me.

Bartlet

You told the press I have a secret plan to fight inflation?

Josh

No, I did not. Let me be absolutely clear, I did not do that. Except, yes, I did that.

Josh

I denied it for half an hour, they wouldn't take no for an answer!

Bartlet

You were clear?

Josh

I was crystal clear! They said, "Do you think that, if the President has a plan to fight inflation, it's right that he keep it a secret?" I said, of course not!

Bartlet

Are you telling me that not only did you invent a secret plan to fight inflation, but now you don't support it?

Josh

First, I'm happy to tell you that the incident involving Secretary O'Leary and Congressman Wooden has been dispensed with... though not really, and I'll get to that at the end. Sam asked C.J. to move the briefing to two o'clock so that we could fold in the teachers. C.J. had emergency root canal surgery at noon and so was unable to brief.

Bartlet

Who did?

Josh

I did.

Bartlet

Oh, God.

Josh

You're going to be reading a bit today about your secret plan to fight inflation.

Bartlet

I have a secret plan to fight inflation?

Josh

No.

Bartlet

Why am I going to be reading that I do?

Josh

It was suggested in the press room that you do.

Bartlet

By who?

Josh

By me.

Bartlet

You told the press I have a secret plan to fight inflation?

Josh

No, I did not. Let me be absolutely clear, I did not do that. Except, yes, I did that.

Bartlet

Josh, I'm a little confused.

Josh

Sir, there was this idiotic round robin. It was sarcastic. There was no way they didn't know that. They were just mad at me for imposing discipline and calling them stupid.

Bartlet

Okay, before we go on: C.J., if blood is gushing from a head wound you just received from a herd of stampeding bison, you'll do the press briefings.

C.J.

Yes sir.

Josh

[about the President] How's he doing in there?

Toby

He's got that look on his face like he's thinking of ways of killing himself.

Joey

Vox populi, vox dei.

Josh

The voice of the people is the voice of a dog.

Joey

The voice of God, Joshua.

Josh

Yes.

Mr. President, do you want to sew up reelection right now? Do you want a lock on your second term right here, right now in this room?

Bartlet

What do you got?

Josh

Why do you encourage him?

Bartlet

What do you got, Al?

A truckload of voters, Mr. President, about 47%, overwhelmingly white men, pool and patio types, who voted against you by 20 plus points. They share an affinity towards authority, a President. And they see you as smart and having vision, so why didn't they vote for you? Because they also see you as a wimp. Two-thirds of them on a thermometer place you as some degree of weak.

Josh

We've heard these numbers before.

Bartlet

Yeah, but I never get tired of hearing them, you know. Especially in front of my daughter.

Look, I get that this is not the most popular idea in the room. But I got numbers, and I know numbers, and I trust numbers. And the reason you're all looking a little pale right now is so do you. This is not theoretical. The flag burning amendment made it through the House with 20 votes over the required two-thirds. It hasn't made it through the Senate yet, but that day will come, that day will come, that day will come soon. Laws against flag burning are favored overwhelmingly in the polls, and a constitutional amendment won't be subject to a Presidential veto, or overturning by the Supreme Court.

Toby

Look...

This all adds up to one thing, Mr. President. It's over! The game's been played and won. But because of guys like me, you get the results before anyone else does, so you get to pick which side you're on. And not only do we get to be on the winning team, we get to lead the winning team.

Josh

Excuse me.

Toby, you're smiling.

Toby

I just figured out who you were.

He's going to say Satan.

Toby

No. You're the guy that runs into 7-Eleven to get Satan a pack of cigarettes.

Josh

We're gonna do 'good cop, bad cop.'

Toby

No, we're really not.

Josh

Why not?

Toby

'Cause this isn't an episode of Hawaii Five-O. How about you be the good cop and I be the cop that doesn't go to the meeting?

Toby

You're concerned about American labor and manufacturing.

Yeah.

Toby

What kind of car do you drive?

Toyota.

Toby

Then shut up.

Josh

What would you have done if he had said he drove an American car?

Toby

Found some other way of humiliating him.

Josh

This, right here, this is the reason why you have a reputation as a pain in the ass.

Toby

I've cultivated that reputation.

You got a dollar?

Josh

Yeah.

Take it out. Look at the back. The seal, the pyramid, it's unfinished, with the eye of God looking over it, and the words annuit coeptis - he, God, favors our undertaking. The seal is meant to be unfinished, because this country's meant to be unfinished. We're meant to keep doing better. We're meant to keep discussing and debating. And, we're meant to read books by great historical scholars and then talk about them...

Leo

Listen up. Our ground game isn't working; we're gonna put the ball in the air. If we're gonna walk into walls, I want us running into them full-speed.

Josh

What are you saying?

Leo

Well, you can start by telling the Hill the President's named his nominees to the FEC. And we're gonna lose some of these battles. And we might even lose the White House. But we're not going to be threatened by issues: we're going to put 'em front and center. We're gonna raise raise the level of public debate in this country, and let that be our legacy. That sound alright to you Josh?

Josh

I serve at the pleasure of the President of the United States.

Leo

Yeah?

CJ

I serve at the pleasure of the President.

Sam

I serve at the pleasure of President Bartlet.

Leo

Toby?

Toby

I serve at the pleasure of the President.

[after Josh told the Senate Majority Leader to "shove his legislative agenda up [his] ass"] Rambo!

Josh

You talking to me?

Nice phone call.

Josh

That's how we do things in New England, my friends.

In Indiana, we're not allowed to talk like that.

Ginger

In New Jersey, we encourage it.

Josh

Take it easy.

Sam

I won't take it easy! Give me the phone. I'm gonna call the Senator and I'm gonna tell him that he can shove his legislative agenda up his ass!

Josh

I've already done that.

Sam

I'll do it again.

Josh

You know what this is like? This is like The Godfather. When Pacino tells James Caan that he's gonna kill the cop. It's a lot like that scene, only not really.

Josh

It is like that scene. I'm James Caan. [to Sam] You're...you're Al Pacino.

Toby

Let's go.

Josh

Toby, you're the guy who shows Pacino how to make tomato sauce.