Zoey Bartlet quotes from The West Wing

The Secret Service...

Zoey

The Secret Service should worry about you getting shot!

They are worried about me getting shot. I'm worried about me getting shot! But that is nothing compared to how terrified we are of you. You scare the hell out of the Secret Service, Zoey, and you scare the hell out of me, too. My getting killed would be bad enough, but that is not the nightmare scenario. The nightmare scenario, sweetheart, is you getting kidnapped. You go out to a bar or a party in some club and you get up to go to the restroom. Somebody comes up from behind, puts their hand across your mouth and whisks you out the back door. You're so petrified you don't even notice the bodies of two Secret Service agents lying on the ground with bullet holes in their heads. Then you're whisked away in a car. It's a big party with lots of noise and lots of people coming and going and it's a half hour before someone says, "Hey, where's Zoey?" Another fifteen minutes before the first phone call. It's another hour and a half before anyone even thinks to shut down all the airports! And now we're off to the races! You're tied to a chair in a cargo shack somewhere in the middle of Uganda and I am told that I have seventy-two hours to get Israel to free four hundred and sixty terrorist prisoners. So I'm on the phone, pleading with Binyamin and he's saying "I'm sorry Mr President, but Israel simply does not negotiate with terrorists, period! It's the only way we can survive." So now we got a new problem, because this country no longer has a commander-in-chief but has a father who's out of his mind because his little girl is in a shack somewhere in Uganda with a gun to her head! Do you get it?!

Charlie

[at a Georgetown bar] Is everything all right, Zoey?

Hey. He just called her Zoey.

Charlie

Come on, let's go back to the table.

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. What's up Sammy?

Charlie

Zoey?

Excuse me. Excuse me. We're just trying to buy the girl a drink, man.

Charlie

She's 19 years old man. You'd have to take her to Maryland.

Check out Super Fly.

Zoey

Hey!

Charlie

Let's go.

No. Why don't you go? Alright?

Charlie

Look guys. You don't know who this is. You don't want any trouble. Just be cool, alright?

Be cool.

Charlie

Yeah. I'm just saying, I'm looking out for you.

I understand what you're saying. You just want me to be cool, alright?

Charlie

Can I buy you guys a round?

Like LL Cool J man, like Ice-T.

Ice cube, Ice tray man.

Why don't you do some of that hip-hop for us G-Funk?

Dr. Huffy Puffy dread man, Dr Dolittle Man?

Charlie

Would you let us by please?

No. What are you doing here with this girl? Huh? Huh? Cause you know what, to me you look to be Dr. Faggot!

Sam

[coming up from behind] Hey! What the hell is going on around here?

Who the hell are you?

Sam

Kiss my ass. Zoey?

Zoey

I'm fine.

Kiss your what, Fairy Poppins?

Sam

Charlie?

Charlie

Everything's fine.

Hey, you want to go?

Sam

What?

You want to go? Let's do it. Right now. Come on.

Josh

[coming up from behind Charlie] How's everybody doin'?

Oh good, more fairy boys.

Josh

Excuse me?

I said, more fairy boys.

Josh

Oh, this is too good to be true.

[indicating Josh] Hey, I recognize this guy. [indicating Zoey] And she looks familiar too.

Josh

[Pressing Zoey's panic button] Yeah. You guys don't realize it, but you're having a pretty bad night.

[Sarcastic and aggressive] Oh really - and who's gonna give it to us, huh?

Federal agents!

Right here!

Shut up! I swear to God I'll blow your head off. Everybody stand back.

[to Charlie] Hey, I ain't done with you, Sammy.

Charlie

My name is Charlie Young, jackass. And if that bulge in your pocket's an 8-ball of blow, you'll be spending Spring Break in a federal prison. [to Josh] Now I'm having a good time.

Charlie

[on Air Force 1] How you doing?

Zoey

Hi.

Charlie

Listen, uh, I don't know if I'm going to be able to be as attentive on this trip as you would like.

Zoey

That's okay. You're working.

Charlie

Well, I've been trying to listen to some of the many lessons you've been giving me on how to be a better boyfriend and I know that attentiveness--

Zoey

No, this is one of the times when it's okay.

Charlie

Okay. It's hard to tell the difference between those times and the other times.

Zoey

I know. Doesn't that suck for you?

Charlie

A little bit, yeah.

[on operating table] It didn't hit anything, they're just gonna look around and make sure.

Zoey

Are you in a lot of pain?

No...

Zoey

Are you lying?

Yeah, cause I want these guys to tell reporters that I was brave and joking around.

Zoey

You are brave. You were so good tonight, Dad.

Zoey

My dad's going to love him.

Charlie

Oh, yeah.

Zoey

Well, I love him, so my father will love him.

Charlie

That's absolutely the way it works.

Zoey

So I have to ask you and I'm nervous, but I'd like Jean Paul to come stay with us in Manchester this Christmas.

Zoey, I think it's really sweet that you still come to me for permission. You're classy and you're old-fashioned.

Zoey

So it's okay?

Not in a million years.

Zoey

Are you going to do what I asked in the email?

Charlie

No.

Zoey

You just refuse.

Charlie

I do. I refuse, respectfully.

Zoey

You can't refuse and be respectful at the same time.

Charlie

Watch me. Ask again.

Zoey

Stop pursuing me.

Charlie

Respectfully, no.

Zoey

Why?

Charlie

'Cause I'm in love with you, and that's the way it goes.

[about Zoey's Secret Service detail] Well, here's my question: these guys look pretty young to me, and I'm looking for something very specific. This is a father-daughter situation, and so I think what I'm looking for in terms of protection would best be characterized as... well, overwhelming force. Do they have that? Do they have the ability to just overwhelm any danger that might...do you have overwh– [To Butterfield] Do they have overwhelming force?

Ron Butterfield

Attack, Wesley.

Wow!

Zoey

Oh God, Dad, what are you doing?

This one here tossed Wesley like a sack of potato chips!