Josh Lyman quotes from The West Wing

Josh

When voters want a national daddy...someone to be tough and strong and defend the country, they vote Republican. When they want a mommy, someone to give them jobs, health care...the policy equivalent of motzah ball soup, they vote Democratic.

Josh

[to media consultants] This is probably the greatest assemblage of Democratic talent since the last time Jed Bartlet dined alone.

The First Commandment says "Honor thy father."

Toby

No, it doesn't!

Josh Lyman

Toby—

Toby

It doesn't! [C.J. tries to stop him] No! If I'm gonna make you sit through this preposterous exercise, we're gonna get the names of the damn Commandments right!

Okay, here we go.

Toby

"Honor thy father" is the Third Commandment!

Then what's the First Commandment?

Bartlet

"I am the Lord your God; thou shalt worship no other god before me." [enters the room, walking with a cane] Boy, those were the days, huh?

C.J.

Sir, this may be a good time to talk about your sense of humor.

Bartlet

I've got an intelligence briefing, a security briefing, and a 90-minute budget meeting all scheduled for the same 45 minutes. You sure this is a good time to talk about my sense of humor?

C.J.

No.

Bartlet

Me neither.

C.J.

It's just that it's not the first time that it's happened.

Bartlet

I know.

Toby

We're talking about Texas, sir.

Bartlet

I know.

C.J.

USA Today asks you why you don't spend more time campaigning in Texas and you say it's because you don't look good in funny hats.

Sam

It was big hats.

C.J.

What difference does it make?

Bartlet

It makes a difference.

C.J.

The point is we got whomped in Texas.

Josh

We got whomped in Texas twice.

C.J.

We got whomped in the primary and we got whomped in November.

Bartlet

I think I was there.

C.J.

And it was avoidable. Sir.

Bartlet

CJ, on your tombstone it's gonna read 'Post hoc ergo propter hoc.'

CJ

Okay, but none of my visitors are going to be able to understand my tombstone.

Bartlet

Twenty-seven lawyers in the room, anybody know 'post hoc, ergo propter hoc'? Josh?

Josh

Ah, post, after hoc, ergo, therefore... After hoc, therefore something else hoc.

Bartlet

Thank you. Next? Leo.

Leo

'After it, therefore because of it'.

Bartlet

'After it, therefore because of it'. It means one thing follows the other, therefore it was caused by the other. But it's not always true. In fact it's hardly ever true. We did not lose Texas because of the hat joke. Do you know when we lost Texas?

C.J.

When you learned to speak Latin?

Bartlet

Go figure.

[referring to his Presidential run, speaking to Mandy, who just drove her car onto a curb] It wasn't going to happen.

Mandy

You know what the worst part about this is?

Well, I think you dinged up your suspension pretty good.

Mandy

No, Lloyd, it's the party they're having, right now, in the West Wing, at my expense.

They're not having a party in the West Wing.

Mandy

I've worked with these people for two and a half years. They like to win and they like to gloat.

I'm sure you're wrong.

Mandy

I'm sure I'm not.

There are very serious people working at the White House. A blow is struck for party unity today, there's no cause to gloat.

Josh

Victory is mine, victory is mine. Great day in the morning, people, victory is mine.

Donna

Morning Josh.

Josh

I drink from the keg of glory, Donna. Bring me the finest muffins and bagels in all the land.

Donna

It's going to be an unbearable day.

Josh

A couple of things for you to bear in mind. First of all, he didn't know she was a call girl when he slept with her. He didn't pay her. He didn't participate in, have knowledge of, or witness anything illegal. Or for that matter, unethical, amoral, or suspect.

C.J.

Okay. A couple things for you to bear in mind. None of that matters on Hard Copy!

Josh

You're overreacting.

C.J.

Am I?

Josh

Yes.

C.J.

As women are prone to do.

Josh

That's not what I meant.

C.J.

That's always what you mean.

Josh

You know what, C.J., I really think I'm the best judge of what I mean, you paranoid Berkeley shiksa feminista! ...whoa, that was way too far.

C.J.

No, no. Well, I've got a staff meeting to go to and so do you, you elitist Harvard fascist missed-the-deans-list-two-semesters-in-a-row Yankee jackass!

Josh

Feel better getting that off your chest there, C.J.?

C.J.

I'm a whole new woman.

Josh

You look like a million bucks, by the way.

C.J.

Don't try to make up with me.

Sam

[reading a newspaper article, quoting a congressman] Folks down here are patriotic, fiercely patriotic. The President better not be planning on making any visits to this base. If he does, he may not get out alive.

Toby

He said that? Sitting there with military officers?

Josh

Don't take the bait.

Toby

Josh.

Josh

Don't take the bait!

Toby

You'd better believe I'm going to take the bait.

Leo

There ought to be a law against it.

Josh

Why'd you get him started?

Toby

There is a law against it! How about threatening the life of the President? He was talking to other people: how about conspiracy? They were military officers, how about treason? That was a member of our own party, Leo. That was a Democrat who said that!

Leo

It's bad, I know.

Toby

That's it?

Leo

What are you going to do?

Toby

Have the Justice Department bring him in pending felony charges.

Josh

Toby's right. What's the good of being in power if you're not going to haul your enemies in for questioning?

Toby

We're really not gonna do anything about this?

Leo

Yeah, cause what we really need to do is arrest people for being mean to the President.

Toby

There is no law. There is no decency.

Josh

He's just getting that now.

Josh

I have to tell you, he's ordinarily an extremely kind man, placing a very high premium on civility. Today...it's just been a very difficult few days for him.

Charlie

I think I should probably go.

Bartlet

Excuse me, Charlie? Can I see you inside, please? Come on, it's okay.

Bartlet

I'm Jed Bartlet.

Charlie

I'm Charles Young, sir.

Bartlet

But you prefer Charlie, right? Listen, Leo McGarry filled me in on the situation with your mother. I'm so very sorry. I hope you don't mind, but I took the liberty of calling Tom Connolly, the FBI Director, and we had the computer spit out some quick information. Your mother was killed by a Western .38 revolver firing KTWs, or what are known as cop-killer bullets. Now, we have not had a whole lot of success yet in banning that weapon and those bullets off the streets, but we're planning on taking a big whack at it when Congress comes back from recess. So, what do you say? You want to come help us out?

Charlie

[smiling] Yes, sir, I do.

Bartlet

Thank you, Charlie. [shakes his hand]

Charlie

I've never felt like this before.

Josh

It doesn't go away.

Josh

Forgive my bluntness, and I say this with all due respect, Congressman, but vote yes, or you're not even going to be on the ballot two years from now.

How do you figure?

Josh

You're going to lose in the primary.

There's no Democrat running against me.

Josh

Sure there is.

Who?

Josh

Whomever we pick.

You're bluffing.

Josh

Okay.

I'm in your own party!

Josh

Doesn't seem to be doing us much good now, does it?

Against an incumbent Democrat. You'll go to the press and endorse a challenger?

Josh

No sir. We're going to do it in person. See, you won with fifty-two percent, but the President took your district with fifty-nine. And I think it's high time we come back and say thanks. Do you have any idea how much noise Air Force One makes when it lands in Eau Claire, Wisconsin? We're going to have a party, Congressman. You should come, it's gonna be great. And when the watermelon's done, right in town square, right in the band gazebo... You guys got a band gazebo?

Josh...

Josh

Doesn't matter, we'll build one. Right in the band gazebo, that's where the President is going to drape his arm around the shoulder of some assistant DA we like. And you should have your camera with you. You should get a picture of that. 'Cause that's gonna be the moment you're finished in Democratic politics. President Bartlet's a good man. He's got a good heart. He doesn't hold a grudge. That's what he pays me for.

Leo

Andrew Jackson, in the main foyer of his White House had a big block of cheese.

Toby

Huh.

Leo

I am making a mental list of those who are snickering, and even as I speak I am preparing appropriate retribution. The block of cheese was huge - over two tons. And it was there for any and all who might be hungry.

Toby

Leo, wouldn't this time be better spent plotting a war against a country that can't possibly defend itself against us?

Leo

We can do that later, Toby. Right now I'm talking about President Andrew Jackson.

Leo

And Sam goes on my list!

Sam

What about Toby?

Leo

I'm unpredictable. Jackson wanted the White House to belong to the people, so from time to time, he opened his doors to those who wished an audience.

Mandy

And then he locked the doors behind them and made them eat two tons of cheese.

Leo

It is in that spirit...

Sam

Hang on. Mandy doesn't go on the list?

Leo

Mandy's new.

Sam

So it's just me... on the list?

Leo

Yes. It is in the spirit of Andrew Jackson that I, from time to time, ask senior staff to have face-to-face meetings with those people representing organizations who have a difficult time getting our attention. I know the more jaded among you, see this as something rather beneath you. But I assure you that listening to the voices of passionate Americans is beneath no one, and surely not the peoples' servants.

Josh

[walks in with C.J.] Sorry, we're late. Is it "Total Crackpot Day" again?

Leo

Yes, it is.

Sam

And let us please note that Josh does not go on the list.

Bartlet

Hey, everybody, listen up - Zoe's down from Hanover and I'm making chili for everyone tonight!

Josh

Oh God...

[With a noticeable lack of enthusiasm] Great! Great!

Bartlet

[Put out] Okay, you know what? Let's do this. Everybody look down at the big seal in the middle of my carpet. [Everyone looks down at the Presidential seal] Now look back up at me. [They do so] Zoe's down from Hanover and I'm making chili for everyone tonight!

[With more convincing forced enthusiasm] That's great! I love chili! Terrific!

Bartlet

There! You see how benevolent I can be when everybody just does what I tell them to do?

Josh

C.J., an N.S.C. staffer gave me a card with instructions on it for what I'm supposed to do in the event of a nuclear attack. They want me up in the plane or down in a bunker. They don't want you... or Sam, or Toby, for that matter. I didn't want to be friends with you and have you not know.

C.J.

[surprised] Josh, have you been upset about this?

Josh

Yes.

C.J.

You're very sweet sometimes. You really are.

Josh

C.J...

C.J.

Of course they don't want me, Josh! I'm a press secretary. I don't think they're going to be issuing a whole lot of releases. Sam and Toby are communications and my guess is that speech writing won't be a priority either. Come, have some fun. [starts to leave]

Josh

[points at his boombox] This is a beautiful piece of music. Do you know this?

C.J.

...I'm Catholic.

Josh

Hang on. Listen. Listen. [turns up his boombox at the words "O Jungfrau, sieh der Jungfrau Sorgen"] There, right there. It's... miraculous. [beat] Schubert was crazy, you know. [C.J. nods and says "Yes"] Do you think you have to be crazy to create something powerful?

C.J.

Josh, the Cold War is over. There's not going to be a nuclear–

Josh

God, C.J. It's not going to be like that. It's not gonna be the red phone and nuclear bombs.

C.J.

What's it going to be?

Josh

It's going to be this! It's going to be something like this. Smallpox has been gone for fifty years. No one has an acquired immunity. Flies through the air. You get it, you carry a ten foot cloud around with you. One in three people die. If 100 people in New York City got it, you'd have to encircle them with 100 million vaccinated people to contain it. Do you know how many doses of smallpox vaccines exist in the country? Seven! If 100 people in New York City get it, there's gonna be a global medical emergency that's gonna make HIV look like cold and flu season. That's how it's gonna be, a little test tube with a... a rubber cap that's deteriorating... a guy steps out of Times Square station, [imitates a smashing noise]. smashes it on the sidewalk... there is a world war right there.

C.J.

We'll make more vaccine.

Josh

You better hurry, 'cause I'm the only one with one of these cards.

Josh

Sam, I'm taking Charlie for a beer tonight before the vote. Zoey and Mallory are coming.

Sam

Sounds good.

C.J.

I like beer.

Josh

If you want to come I guess that'd be okay.

C.J.

Why, Josh, you've swept me off my feet.

Josh

[Pressing Zoe's panic button] Yeah. You guys don't realize it, but you're having a pretty bad night.

[Sarcastic and aggressive] Oh really - and who's gonna give it to us, huh?

Federal Agents!

Right here!

Shut up! I swear to God I'll blow your head off. Everybody stand back.

[to Charlie] Hey, I ain't done with you Sammy.

Charlie

My name is Charlie Young, jackass. And if that bulge in your pocket's an 8-ball of blow, you'll be spending Spring Break in a Federal Prison. [to Josh] Now I'm having a good time.

Josh

Donna? How much were the sandwiches?

Donna

$12.95

Josh

I gave you a twenty.

Donna

Yes, as it turns out, actually, you gave me more money than I needed to buy what you asked for. However, knowing you, as I do, I'm afraid I can't trust you to spend the change wisely. I've decided to invest it for you.

Josh

That was nice. That was a little parable.

Donna

I want my money back.