Col. Hunter Gathers quotes from The Venture Bros.

Way to go, Heidi! Samson's down by three with a minute left in the game, and you just cut the feed! What in God's name do you want?!

Hank

I want to join up with you guys!

Yeah? Well, my boot wants to join up with your ass, and I'm about to throw 'em a shotgun wedding!

It's downright unreasonable. I could pole-dance better than half those women. Good lord, son, there should be a mandatory retirement age for strippers.

Brock

Did you see I got cornered by Robin last night? I almost had to chew off my own arm to get away.

Ohh, that poor woman has the saddest tits. Damn depressing.

Brock

Right? Yeah, they're like The Notebook sad.

Her tits are like "coming home from school and finding out that your old man ran over your cat" sad.

Brock

Mournful. She has mournful tits. They're like two suicide notes stuffed in a glitter bra.

Those things are like a little kid with progeria cracking all his ribs trying to catch a Nerf ball—just sad. Damn it, she has gloomy tits!

Brock

It's like she put a dollar's worth of change into some old socks and then taped them to her chest.

I want to build two little caskets and give her tits a tasteful, dignified funeral.

Change into these and proceed to the cavity search.

Cavity search my ass!

I mean... you know what I mean.

Brock

Let’s go Shore Leave, boys night out. You coming?

Boys night out, I wish. You guys are gonna go to that strip club again.

You make that wholesome place sound dirty, you bastard. Are you coming or not?

Hmm, ahh... I’m feeling kind of, kind of gay. Wait... no. No it’s definitely... I’m definitely still gay.

I have a check here for $50,000 for whoever helps me rescue Billy from vampires.

Brock

We're not mercenaries, White. We handle the guys that nobody else wants to deal with.

Well, that's perfect, because nobody else wants to deal with me.

Brock

Yeah, you're not getting it. Hunter, why don't you explain what we do here at SPHINX.

SPHINX!

It works like this—if someone points a gun at you, you call the police. If a bunch of guys are pointing guns at you, you call SWAT. If they're in spandex and pointing a super laser at you, you call OSI. And if they're dressed regular and pointing a super laser at your daughter, that's when you call SPHINX.

SPHINX!

So explain to me why we'd give a squirt about your roomie being abducted by vampires.

We're talking about Billy here! You guys owe him. You did the...you know.

Spit it out, White! This is SPHINX!

SPHINX.

We have no secrets here. When men live and work together, it's imperative that there are no secrets. I miss my breasts! Inside of me, there's a woman screaming to be heard.

I hit a dog with my car last week, but told the owner I found him like that.

Brock

I once jerked off twelve times in one day just to see if I could.

I had an erotic dream about Henry Rollins last night, and I'm straight as an arrow.

Remember that smell I told you was the garbage? That was my ass. I had chicken tandoori for lunch.

[regarding the ship] What do you call her?

I call her Manny's Song.

Brock

Who's Manny?

Me first love. She left me for a bloke named Craig, who just slept with her and tossed her away. Haven't seen her since then. I heard she was with some go-nowhere mechanic named Jay.

Brock

Sad. Does she know how you feel?

Um, no, she doesn't because that's all from a TV show. Captain Cuckoo here named his boat after Manny Santos on Degrassi.

You're a liar!

I can't believe they killed J.T.

I know! And they hardly talk about it, like after Terri bashed her skull on that rock.

Yeah, I'm the liar, me.

What the hell happened here?

That's none of your concern, Mister Gathers.

That's Colonel Gathers to you, suit!

Oh, yeah? Well, in that case, I'm President Cardholder, and this is my associate, Emperor Doe.

GOD Emperor Doe!

General Treister

I have the pee-pee cancer, and there ain’t a thing on Earth anybody can do to fix me. Son, I'm fixing the shuffle of this mortal coil.

Wait a minute, what the hell are you doing?

General Treister

DO NOT LET GO OF THAT WHEEL BOY! THEY’RE 2000 SOULS ON-BOARD.

What about the OSI? You worked your whole life for this place, General. Now you’re just gonna abandon it?

General Treister

Na. From where I sit, it looks like the ol’ gal is in pretty good hands. Took guts to bust out the nest and go off on your own, son. Took balls to... cut off your balls. Even without them your got more true grit man-moxy-on-tap than any of these yes-men and bureaucrats been running the place.

No, General, I’m not...

General Treister

I’ll do fine.

Do not kill yourself you crazy bastard!

General Treister

Ain’t killing myself son. I said there ain't nothing they can do for me on this Earth. But there is one thing might could cure me, ALIEN TECHNOLOGY.