Hank Venture quotes from The Venture Bros.

Dean

(while going through a box of Dr. Venture's old things) Ah, neat! You wrote a fan letter to the Herculoids when you were ten? (Hank snatches the letter away from Dean) Hey!

Hank

Hey, horses! (reads letter) It's not a fan letter, he calls them hippies for not fighting in Vietnam. (The Grand Inquisitor snatches the letter) Hey!

Dean

Check this out. (reading Colonel Gentelman's journal) Dear diary, another dreary party at the Frosts' Flat, but oh the bitches were in rare form tonight!

Hank

Skip ahead. Maybe later he talks about grandpa's thing.

Dean

Wait, there's some kind of a list. Could be a clue! ""(continues reading) Toys Colonel Gentleman wishes he had when he was a lad but weren't invented yet: Micronauts, The Scooby-Doo Monster Game, Which Witch, AT-AT Imperial Walker, Stay Alive: The Survival Game...

Hank

What is that, code?

Dean

(after reading Colonel Gentleman's journal) "Colonel Gentleman's good names for an imaginary friend." "Colonel Gentleman's Hollywood actresses who need a smack in the mouth" They go on and on. This is a crazy person's diary.

Dean

Any advice, you know, this being our first big date and all?

Brock

Yeah. (Throws corsage from Dean's lap out the window)

Dean

No?

Brock

No. Don't pull out her chair, kiss her hand, or anything like that — it's kind of dorky. Just be yourself. Wait, here, take this (his wallet). It's got plenty of money in there, and it doesn't have a cartoon bee on it. Don't let them pay for anything, and if you end up going to, like, a movie or something, you call me on the two-way, okay?

Hank

What about me? Any advice to help me score with my mystery date?

Brock

Yeah, don't say "score" or anything close to "mystery date" in front of her, and don't do that "do you like seafood" joke either.

Hank

Can do, 'cause she would totally know that joke already.

Dean

THEY'RE HERE!

Hank

Dude, sit down. You have to play it cool. Observe how I scope out my mystery date whilst I pretend to look at my watch. (Sees Kim with Triana walking in) Holy moley, look at my date! She's a supervillain, possibly a Medusa. Dean, I am not kidding, she has rope for hair and a shiny costume. Aw, not fair, she's wearing goggles! Told you she would dig my Batman suit, but NO!

Wow, that guy's, like, just a torso.

Hank

Yeah, that's Phantom Limb. I don't think he professionally hates my dad, but he totally hates my dad. I think he used to be a famous magician. And one time, while performing for the Queen of England, he accidentally made his arms and legs disappear. They are now on the Moon with a bunch of rabbits and doves and...and playing cards and pretty assistants and some milk.

Dean

Never happened.

Hank

Did. I also heard he sliced off a kid's hand and ate it. Yeah, it was that big-headed guy that operated on your balls, Dean.

Dean

HANK, don't you have to go to the bathroom?

Hank

Whoa, what are you, psychic? I totally do — weird. Well ladies, it seems that young Dean here needs an escort to the bathroom. If there's any trouble, you just give the Hankinator a holler.

Hank

What? Ahh, come on!! Why does that happen? I shook it so hard I almost hit that pink puck.

Dean

Well, did you dab?

Hank

What?

Dean

Dab. Did you dab?

Hank

Uhh... no.

Dean

I dab.

Hank

Well I don't.

Dean

You should dab.

Hank

Stop saying dab!

Hank

Dude! Stop wailing on my junk! Throw water on it!

Dean

No way! That's what started this!

Hank

Well, then take it easy! Just dab. Dab it!

(looking from stall) I can't believe it's hard to kill these two.

(on the toilet) Don't talk to me. If I push any harder, I'm gonna pop a gasket.

I'm gonna be a supervillain.

Hank

Yeah, I'm gonna be Batman!

Go Team Venture! (They do hand signal in the air)

Triana Orpheus

Dude, I warned you.

I think I just found my first archenemies.

Henry Alan Venture! Are you hearing this? What do you have to say for yourself?

Hank

(in a low voice) I am the Bat.

Yes, yes, you're "The Bat!" And the Bat is the reason we didn't take best costume, mister, again! Last year it was Dorothy, the Scarecrow, the Cowardly Lion and "The Bat!" Oh and how about the time we were the hard rocking quartet of Gene Simmons, Paul Stanley, Ace Frehley, and the Bat?!

Hank

The night is mine!

Sell it somewhere else, Hank. It's not me you should be apologizing to. Poor Brock spent a month sewing his group theme appropriate costume.

Hank

(normal voice) That's probably why he won best costume.

What, is that sass I hear? (sarcastically) Oh, look everybody! Hank's back!

Hank

Ow!

Dean

What's the matter?

Hank

My tongue keeps getting caught in the mouth slit.

Dean

Don't stick it in the slit then.

Hank

I can't help it! It's maddening.

Yeah, pretty sure my scoliosis is going the other way now.

Hank

My butt won't stop making a fist!

Dean

At least you have one.

You're blessed with your father's ass, Dean. Learn to love stadium cushions. I told you to lock down...

Brock

We don't have auxiliary power!!!

Brock

You have no idea what that means, do you?

Hank

Sure I do!

Brock

You're just having fun with your hands, aren't you?

Hank

No...

Hank

Brock! Questioning?

Brock

That's the one.

Hank

(grabs the guard) WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR? (guard spins and locks Hank) Ow!

Brock

We know that part, Hank. Like this. (grabs guard's groin, guard screams in pain) Where's the wedding be held? Talk!

Go ahead! The pain will be nothing compared to what the master will do to me if I betray him! (Brock clenches tighter, screams more) This is still nothing compared to what the master... (Brock appears shocked) What?

Brock

...Nothin'.

No, what?

Brock

I, uh... I don't- I don't know how to tell you this but I... feel a, uh... a lump.

Are you serious?

Brock

Yeah... I'm so sorry, man.

Oh. Oh god. Ooooh god.

Brock

Yeah, I just feel awful...

How do you think I feel?

Brock

Yeah, yeah, maybe uh... we should uh...

I... I must go to my wife.

Brock

Yeah, yeah. You should do that. (Venture points in the opposite direction) Hey, uh, I know it's a bad time to ask and all but...

The wedding. Yeah. Yeah, fine. I don't care anymore. It's in the observatory, on a flight up, through this door. (Hank moves behind guard and gives him a wedgie)

HANK!!

Hank

Well I didn't get to do anything!!

Hank

I have a sister? Named Dawn?? How long have you been keeping this from me?

Brock

Hank, no. I-I think...

Hank

Don't defend him, Brock! You knew about this, didn't you? Does Dean? What else haven't you told us??

Brock, you speak crazy, do something about him.

Brock

Hank, Baron Ünderbheit...

Hank

Good gravy! You're right, Brock! This is just what he wants. For us to turn on each other. And I played right into their hands. Dammit!

(gasps) Who are you?

Hank

The Wallflower! So we meet again!!

Brock

Nah, nah, the Wallflower had that thing on his head...

Lamest. Villain. Ever.