Hank Venture quotes from The Venture Bros.

Hank

You're nothing! You're weak! Why do you even wanna be a secret agent, boy? You think you're good enough?

Brock

[stops] Hank, seriously, when I get my license back I'm allowed to kill you.

Hank

Oh. [Hurriedly removes his foot] Sorry, Brock.

Brock

[He eyes a glass of raw eggs that Hank has given him] Did you spit in this?

Hank

Don't eyeball me, Samson! Drink it!

Hank

Come on Brock, you need strong cardio-vascular agility training!

Brock

[pause] No.

Brock

Little worried about that hickey, Doc. [Dr. Venture's is halfway covered in swelling redness]

Oh, Brock, don't worry. I'm not falling in love!

Brock

That's not what I-

And what would be wrong with that if I was? The boys need a new mommy. Rusty needs a new mommy.

Hank

We don't even know who our old mommy was.

Oh, that's right. I've never really told you about her. Well, she was- [horn honks outside] That'll be Charlene! Gotta run, boys! Don't stay up too late!!

Dean

Well, I scored your sample test, Brock, and well, you did better than Hank did, but let's just say you'll have to do awfully well on the physical portion.

Hank

No problem. Your training begins now! [takes Brock's dinner and gives him a glass of eggs] Drink up! Your ass is mine, Samson! When I get through with you, you're gonna eat lightning and crap thunder!

Dean

Looks more like he's gonna drink eggs and crap....eggs.

Brock

Take your time, Monarch, because the minute you finish your little speech, I'm going to kill you.

What are you, Obi-Wan Kenobi? Just look at you shmucks, I don't think I'm the one in danger here, considering the sad fact that right below you flows the mighty Amazon, teeming with the most gruesome fish to ever--

Hank

The piranha.

No.

Hank

The shark?

No!

Hank

(pause) The piranha?

NO!! And shut up! This isn't a quiz. Now where was I... right! The dreaded Candiru, a naughty little fish with a penchant for swimming up a man's urethra, to feed on the damaged tissue of the pitiful mass of flesh you once called your PENIS!!

Dean

Hank! I had my pubes shaved. I'm gonna put them under my pillow for the tooth fairy!

Hank

Did the doctor see that creepy dog dork of yours?

Hank, don't brag to your brother about your circumcision.

Hank. Hank! I am your real father!

Hank

No way. No way, that's not true!

Psyche!! Ha, sucker! You were all (mimicking) "Oh daddy, you're my daddy!" You are so gullible! What is that like?!

Hank

Man, this is the coolest book ever! There's a guy in here who guards his headquarters with robot cheetahs!

Oh yeah, the Zoo Creeper. Oh, hey, am I in there?

Hank

Ummmmmm, nope.

M, for (shakes fist, intimidating glare) MONARCH!!

Hank

Uh-uh.

Try T, for (same fist-shaking and intimidating glare) THE MONARCH!!

Hank

Hmm, nothin'.

Hank

I had to sleep in my clothes. Now I feel gross wearing them two days in a row!

You're kidding me, right? That's the only outfit I've ever seen you in!

Hank

Well, that doesn't mean I never wash it.

Fair enough. Number 27! Get the kid a change of clothes! (Looking at Brock) How 'bout you? You ok?

Brock

I didn't sleep in my clothes.

27! Burn his sheets!

With every fiber of my being I stab at thee, as long as blood flows through this heart I will hunt you down. I will be the stuff of your children's nightmares.

What's he doing now?

Dean

He's making his dramatic exit.

(sigh) This could take all night, I'm gonna get Brock.

Hank

I think he's almost done.

And then, when nothing can be heard but your cries of agony, I will pull the chain and let the beast devour you. Mark my words: I will have my revenge, DR. VENTURE!

Hank

Wait! You lived with BROCK?? That is so unbelievably cool!

Dean

No wonder you guys are such super pals!

Actually... back then we didn't see much of each other...

We had very different schedules... always coming and going... at... different times...

Wait, tell 'em who really won the roommate lottery that year.

Oh, God, don't remind me.

Okay, so the university sticks me with this exchange student, (switch to college) but check it out, he's, like, a prince or something. His parents sent him a care package last week for his birthday. You know what he got? A personal slave. The poor guy sleeps in my closet. Speak of the dickweed. Hey, Werner.

Dean

Baron Ünderbheit!!!

(back to present) Yeah. You told 'em?

Dean

No, Baron Ünderbheit is right there!

Hank

Holy crap! Brock, kick his butt!

Brock

Relax, boys, he's not gonna do anything. It's hallowed ground.

Hank

So what was he (Baron Ünderbheit) like in the olden days?

Well, except for the metal jaw, pretty much the same—total dick.

Baron Ünderbheit

The tape is on the floor for a reason, Peter! Your things belong on your side of the room and don't think I haven't noticed that you moved it to make your area larger. If you cannot obey the simplest of rules...

Yeah, well, you don't make the rules, fella. You might be a big shot in your own country but around here you're just a kid with the weirdest-smelling lunch.

Baron Ünderbheit

ARRRRRRGGGGHHH! Very well! Then you leave me with no choice but to take this up with the R.A. at the next floor meeting. Come, man-servant.

Who cuts his hair, the Incredible Hulk?

What, did he walk into the barbershop and say, "what can you do to make me look more like Pete Rose?"

Hey, what's wrong with his hair? I have, like, the same haircut.

Yeah, but you're Chinese, your people can't be blamed for what your hair does.

I'm Japanese, jerk-off. But yah, that's so true. At least I don't have his eyebrows.

You wanna see eyebrows, come to my Creative Writing class. There's this kid, no joke, they're out to here, and the weirdness doesn't stop there. All he writes are these way-too-specific poems about monarch butterflies. Total closet case!

Hank

(present) Okay, this is getting nuts. You're not gonna tell me that you went to college with the Monarch too! Where did you guys go, Super Crazy No-Way School?!

Dean

Saliva is nature's glue.

Hank

And raisins are nature's candy!

Dr. Orpheus

Do not be too hasty entering that room. I had TACO BELL FOR LUNCH!! Expert witness, Dr. Byron Orpheus has arrived.

Hank

(examining the bathroom door from which Orpheus emerged) The hair's gone! A clue!

Dean

It was Dr. O the whole time. I wonder what that means?

Brock

It means Dr. Orpheus had to take a dump. So... nice job. Case closed.

Well, Hank, what's it like to be a... liar. Huh? You like being a liar with pants constantly on fire?

Objection, your honor, leading.

I'll rephrase that: Hank, are you a liar?

Hank

No sir, I don't think so.

Yes you are!

Dean

You're the liar!

And may I remind you, that I am rubber and you are glue and whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you.