Hank Venture quotes from The Venture Bros.

Brock

Something big is going down. This place is crawling with Strangers.

Hank

You can't expect to know everybody.

Brock

No, Hank. Strangers are undercover Guild operatives.

Dean

We gotta warn Pop!

Brock

No, Dean, this is Guild business, your father isn't in any harm. Guild work is clean, professional. It's surgical with them. In a way they're the only organization I still respect.

Hank

And they kill clean, don't let dames get in the way.

Brock

Honestly, Hank, where do you pick that stuff up? I never see you read.

Dean

It's weird, right?

Brock

It's like he channels dead crazy people.

Hank

You think it's a cry for help?

Dean

I'll be sleeping in a room right next to Triana. And then she'll hear, like, thunder or something, and she'll run into my room all scared and stuff. And I'll be like, "Hush, my darling. It's just ionized air molecules expanding." And she'll be like, "Oh, hold me." And then I'll, like...

Hank

Dude! If we stay here, that means that we'll be Dr. Orpheus's kids. And that means Triana will be your sister. And that means you two will have extra-retard babies.

What the fuck are you boys doing in the big house?

Dean

Well, our dad had a baby, so we ran away.

Hank

And then we got arrested for not speeding enough.

You shouldn't even be alive!

Dean

Huh?

I put out a hit on you. Super sorry. But, you know, I'm in mother-fucking prison here. My life is fucked.

You boys don't wanna end up in here, this place is full of fucking animals. (Hank opens his mouth) I don't mean King Gorilla, Hank. I mean this place will chew you up and spit you out. (Hank opens his mouth again) No, I'm not talking about Mecha-Mouth, Hank.

Dean

(sighs) This was a big mistake.

Fuckin'-A right! This is all wrong, you boys are the fucking Venture brothers. You've had your little adventure, now go the hell home.

Hank

Fuck that shit!

Dean

Hank Venture! What is wrong with you!? You're changing into an extra-bad person! Do you even know how many baby angels you just killed by saying that?!

Hank

Oh by glory! You're right! What's happening to us? We searched for freedom, and it landed us in jail.

Dean

I bet dad's worried sick. And Brock. He loves ya, Hank, I just know it.

Oh, this is just gay. Look, I gotta get back to yelling at regular kids, alright?

Dean

Don't say it.

Hank

You look like the Mayor of Candy Land.

Dean

Mommy, how do you know where to go?

Dr. Girlfriend

I'm not your mommy! And I put a tracer on the Monarch when we were first dating- HANK, take this right!

Hank

I'm driving! I'm a driver!

(in unison) We know!

Dr. Girlfriend

Yeah, tracer. You do stuff like that when you date super villains.

Dean

Where'd you put it? Is it in his brain? Or is it like a secret tracer tooth?

Dr. Girlfriend

No, I hid it in my mouth and I jammed it up his- (smirking) Honey, like I said, you do some pretty strange things when you date super villains.

Hank

Who are all these people?

Dean

Are they all mommy's other boyfriends?

Dr. Girlfriend

Stop calling me your fucking mommy!

Dr. Orpheus

So easy to lose track of matters temporal in my vocation. My apologies for the error Miss uhh...

Cocktease.

Dr. Orpheus

Oh, umm of course. How do you do?

Hank

Gee thanks for coming Dr. O., too bad you can't stay longer.

Dr. Orpheus

Well I don't really have to be anywhere.

Hank

(coldly) I said good day sir.

(to Molotov) Well, after that rigamarole I could use a night cap. Care to join me? I've been squirreling away a bottle of cooking sherry for a special occasion but, haha, heck this is cause enough to celebra... (Molotov walks off) some other time then.

Dr. Orpheus

No no, it sounds delightful. I'll get the glasses.

Dean

What are you doing with Danica Patrick?

Hank

I'm over her, you want this?

Dean

Nah, not my type.

Hank

Wanna keep the Fun-Tak at least?

Dean

Whoa, not Mary Lou Retton too! What's going on with you?

Hank

(sighs) Dean, Dean. I sometimes forget that you're younger than me.

Dean

By a lousy four minutes!

Hank

Then maybe in four minutes you'll understand. It took a real woman to finally show me that these girls, fine atheletes and easy on the eye both, were but the mere crushes of a boy. And you, my friend, are looking at....a man.

Dean

(gasps) You finally got 'em?

Hank

(covering his crotch) A gentleman never asks and a lady never tells.

Nyet! Ew, milk breath.

Hank

Incredible.

Dean

Hank! We've got big troubles. The Apaches are back!

Hank

What?

Dean

Look. Tepee in your trunks!

Hank

My pants are haunted! My pants are haunted!

Do you want me, Hank?

Hank

Yes'm.

Your father will never let us be together. He's a big old doodyhead who wants me all to himself.

Hank

He's a jerk!

Yes, Hank, he is. But what are you going to do about it? (she reveals her breasts, which are in fact duplicates of Hank's head)

Kill pop! Kill pop! Kill pop! You should totally kill pop.

Hank

Father...

Yes, Hank?

Hank

I want to kill you...

That's nice. Play pirate somewhere else, boy. Your father's busy.

Hank, nyet!

Hank

Molotov... I want to... oh baby!!!

Brock

What happened?

Hank

Yeah Clarissa, explain it all

Dean

That guy with the bird head, he has this mummy army, and one of the mummys has a magic scepter. Don't move Hank, he's right behind you!

Hank

What? Yep. That's just Mummy-Mum-Muggy. He's a good mummy, Dean-o. Right? Muggy friend. (scratches the mummy's chin) Muggy like his chin rubbed. Who's a good mummy?

Brock

Hank, get your brother's head and follow me. There has to be a way out of here.

Hank

Muggy might know! (continues scratching Muggy's chin) Where's the exit? Tell us boy. (Muggy's head, except for the lower jaw, falls off)

Brock

This is getting stupid! Where the hell is your father?

Dean

Aww, can't we keep him?

Hank

Yeah, dad, can't we? We'll feed the Perfect Man and clean up after him and everything! Super swear! Please??

No. He's an abomination. Go ahead, Brock.

Hank! Get off those spikes. It's not a ride.

Hank

Awwww.