Hank Venture quotes from The Venture Bros.

Hank

What's this one?

Brock

"In Through The Out Door".

Hank

Can I put it on?

Brock

Rather you didn't. Zep sold out on that one. Besides...I've got memories attached to that record. Can we drop this please?

Hank

Is it because you killed a bunch of ninjas while it was playing, and so it reminds you of ninjas?

Brock

No, Hank...

Hank

How about frogmen? Does it remind you of frogmen?

Brock

IT'S A WOMAN!...The only woman I ever loved. Are you happy now?

Hank

(pouty voice) No...because you snapped at me.

Brock

You're alright, Hank. You know that? You're alright.

Hank

Morning, Brock. [Brock grabs him by the throat and lifts him off the ground, sees who it is and drops him]

Brock

Hank? You all right?

Hank

[hoarsely] I will be.

Brock

You have to stop sneaking up on me.

Hank

I just wanted to tell you [coughs] H.E.L.P.E.R.'s broken. Uh, Brock?

Brock

Yeah?

Hank

[still holding his throat] Is it okay if I cry?

Hank

Brock, if pirates really exist, I mean, Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy could even be real, right? It's like, all bets are off!

Brock

Hank, nobody ever said pirates don't exist.

Hank

So you agree with me that this is impossible.

Brock

Hank, if there was ever a time in your life I needed you not to be Hank, it's now.

Hank

Uh, sorry, Brock.

Brock

Focus, Hank! Whatever you do, don't light a cigarette. A good sniper can see a hot cherry for miles.

Hank

Brock, I don't smoke!

Brock

Good. Now's a lousy time to start.

Brock

After the twist, you'll feel a snap. Then the body goes ragdoll on ya.

Hank

And that will knock him out...even more?

Brock

That'll kill him.

Hank

Do I have to?

Brock

Alright fine, crybaby. Just tie him up and, maybe I guess gag him. But at the first sign of trouble I want you to at least break both his knees.

Hank

Alright Brock, I know this sounds crazy, but just hear him out.

Guuhhm. Can we have a ride home?

Brock

What?

Dean

Noooo. Do it like you said you were gonna.

(sigh) I'm really, really sorry about this whole mess, and, you know, the whole pirate thing is behind me now, and... plus, you kinda killed Steve, and burnt my ship. So, if you could give us a lift out of here I figure we'd just call it squaresies.

Brock

(sigh) Alright.

Go team Venture!

Brock

I don't know, they just do that.

Dr. Orpheus

Do you have a pen?

Hank

To use as a magic wand?

Dr. Orpheus

To use...as a pen, Hank.

Brock

Now, I want you to put your hand around your throat, Hank.

Hank

Uhh...alright.

Brock

That tube you feel is your trachea. Think of it as a handle. Your thumb is on your carotid artery, that's your button. Now remember, grab the handle, push the button. Repeat that back.

Hank

(gasping) Grab the handle, push the...

Brock

Let go of your own throat, Hank.

Brock

(examining Race) Race Bannon... those bastards killed him!

Hank

Those kids? Damnit! We let 'em go!

Hank

Brock, I've thought a lot about it and if we can't get the antidote in time and it comes down to it, I... well, I want you to be the one to kill me.

Brock

Don't talk like that Hank, we're gonna find...

Hank

PROMISE ME, Brock!

Brock

Okay.

Hank

Promise?

Brock

Yes, I promise.

Hank

Super-swear?

Brock

(growing annoyed) YES, Hank.

Hank

(after a brief pause) Hey, Brock?

Brock

Yeah?

Hank

How would you do it?

Brock

(without hesitation) You're asleep, quick jerk of the neck, never feel a thing.

Hank

You've thought about this.

Brock

Yes, I have.

Dean

Hear that? I'm in charge. And I think it's just about little Hanky's bed time.

Hank

Oh, take a bow. [Hits him in the crotch]

Dean

Yahtzee!

Hey Brock!

Brock

Go to bed. [walks past the door dejectedly, then walks back in] Why would you dress like that? [Dean is in his underwear with a number of socks wrapped around his head]

Hank

Dean lost a bet, and now he's my slave, and he's refusing a direct order to drink this!

Brock

You never welch on a bet, Dean. Be a man. Drink it. [Hank is offering some green liquid with various substances floating in it] Go to bed. You're father's gonna be... coming... [leaves mumbling dejectedly]

Dean

Brock looks like hell.

Hank

Drink it.

Hank

[hands Brock a tiny lunchbox] I packed a lunch for you. Bologna and cheese. And I cut the crusts off the way I like.

Dean

And I downloaded a bunch of crib notes into your communicator watch. You get stuck on one of the hard questions, just look it up.

What you are about to see is a nightmare, inexplicably torn from the pages of Kafka!

Hank

Holy crap! What happened?

Apparently this is the reward I get for years of screwing with super-science. In short, I pissed in God's eye, and he blinked.