In the time it has taken for Terri to extract herself from her Bluetooth, this little inquiry has fused! It is now growing faster than the speed of bloody light! It's not gonna be something that we can see from space, IT'S GOING TO BE SPACE! BRIAN COX IS GONNA PHONE ME, AND ASK FOR THE FILM RIGHTS!
BUT WHAT LEAK, WHAT LEAK, WHAT FUCKING LEAK?!
ANYTHING! If I find out that anyone from here has leaked anything, I will make sure they have to emigrate after this to a country where they don't speak English, and there's no Internet!
But every-everyone who leaked anything, that would fill the fucking Caspian Sea, we're just a drop in the ocean here!
No, no, no, what you are, Peter, is Leak Zero! It started here! You have presided over a shambolic showering of info! Peter Mannion, 'Singing in the Rain'! (mobile rings) Oh, Christ. (answers) Hello, Malcolm!
Right, was this your idea? Because I don't remember signing any suicide pact.
Malcolm, look, I'm as shocked about this as you are.
Yes. You sound really shocked, you big fucking spunk lolly.
Yeah, look, I don't even know what that is. But I, you know, I think we all need time to, to process this data, yep?
(Fergus and Adam burst in)
WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!
(restraining Fergus) All right, Fergus. (calmly) What the fuck is going on?
The Ark has been opened, and your face is gonna melt!
There's gonna be an inquiry.
(deleted scene)
(Malcolm wants Ollie to visit Nicola at her home)
Just go and stop her doing anything mental, right? Which, given that she thought she could be Prime Minister, the parameters for mental are about as wide as your mother's legs when the fleet's in town.
All right, if I'm doing this for you, can we have a bit more respect for my mother, please? Those sailors get lonely.
This is some of my best stuff, and it's being ignored.
Yeah, what does that tell you?
(deleted scene)
But I came here on my hands and knees, Malcolm, I'm supplicating here; I'm a supplicant, Malcolm.
Well, unfortunately, that ship has sailed, hit a fucking iceberg, sunk, and Julian Fellowes has written a fucking shit drama about it.
(Fergus Williams takes his turn giving testimony in front of the inquiry.)
MHMatthew Hodge
(to Fergus) Did you see Mr. Malcolm Tucker's evidence earlier?
Uh, yeah, I-Uh, uh, I saw it out of the, out of the corner of my eye.
MHMatthew Hodge
Would you like me to read what he said about you?
Uh, no, that's fine, that was the bit that I saw.
MHMatthew Hodge
Embarrassing, I imagine?
(emabarrassed, but gathering himself) Uh, no, not at all. It was, um, almost, uh, flattering, yeah...uh, to get, uh, to get "Tuckered." It's a, it's a rite of passage in-in-in, in politics. Happens to all of us. It's, you know, it's like when you're in a Russian jail, you get your face tattooed.
MHMatthew Hodge
Mr. Tucker mentioned meetings between you and the Leader of the Opposition. Did these take place?
(after a pause) They did, yes. Er, myself and, uh, Adam were part of a team who had very general, noncommittal discussions with, amongst others, Mr. Miller.
MHMatthew Hodge
And you discussed a potential future coalition with his party and the removal of your own party leader, is that correct?
(taken aback) Sorry, could I possibly answer that question with another question? I mean, not that question I'm just asking, but a further question?
You do realise that you're being spun here, you do see that?
'Cause, you know, Malcolm Tucker's not your common or garden spin doctor, right? No, he's the-he's...he's the chief medical officer of spin – he is Spinoza, you see? So he, he didn't come here in order to answer your questions, he came here in order to get you to then ask his questions.
MHMatthew Hodge
Yeah, right, Mr. Williams, I don't want you to answer a question with another question, I want you to answer it with an answer.
I mean, he's conducting you like, um – Goldie.
MHMatthew Hodge
Did you talk to Mr. Miller about removing your party leader?
(in disbelief) Sorry, are you getting Tucker's questions sort of beamed straight into your brain?
GLord Goolding
(firmly) Mr. Williams.
(A short time later...)
BSBaroness Sureka
Finally, um, on the subject of frustration, would you say it's difficult to steer policy ideas through your department?
(stumbling in his testimony) Uh, yes, there are, uh...blockages. Uh, there is one person in particular and, well, you know, I don't want to identify her -- or him, if she was a man. Uh, but this particular person, uh, is rather inept and has hampered a lot of our initiatives. And she, or her, or him is, um...very difficult to remove. And so she's a, he is a...they are a stubborn blockage, shall we say, like, you know, when you get hair and soap in a-in a-in a plughole with skin flakes.
BSBaroness Sureka
(reassuring) Thank you. Thank you, Mr. Williams. That's, that's fine.
GLord Goolding
We are very pressed for time, I'm afraid.
Yeah, but I really didn't want the last thing I said...
GLord Goolding
I'm sorry.
GLord Goolding
Thank you.
Would you say that there is a culture of bullying within DoSAC? If I could ask you first, Ms. Murdoch.
Erm, I'd say there was a culture of bullying me at DoSAC.
You've experienced bullying there?
Well, you know, I see them all standing around, you know, chattering like squirrels on Red Bull, and when I ask them what they're talking about, they usually bark a tea order at me; or, you know, or call me, er, the blonde bombshite, if I can use that word, or some other horrible sweary thing.
That's the form the bullying takes?
And if you refuse to make your boss's tea, you know, they call you Mariella Shitstrop. Or Flouncy Sinatra, which doesn't even really work!
(Baroness Sureka has successfully returned to the inquiry, and Glenn Cullen is ready to give his testimony.)
MHMatthew Hodge
Mr. Cullen. I wonder if I could start by taking you back to that time two years ago, you left Nicola Murray and you went to work for Fergus Williams.
Yes, yes I did, that's right.
MHMatthew Hodge
And then you found yourself, um, in a coalition with the very party that you opposed. That must have been extremely distressing.
Uh, no, not at all, as a matter of fact. I-I was very invigorated by the idea of, uh, trying to forge a new way in politics.
MHMatthew Hodge
Mmm-hmm, so all was rosy?
Well, um -- I can't think of any negatives.
MHMatthew Hodge
No friction?
No, the only "F" word was "Fun."
MHMatthew Hodge
Thank you, Mr. Cullen. Thank you.
Uh, Mr. Cullen, would you say there's a culture of leaking in the government?
Yes, I would. Yes, leaking and lying.
To your knowledge, have any of your colleagues lied to this inquiry?
Well, I mean, that's a bit like asking, you know, um -- "Does a cow drink milk?"
Probably. But what I meant to say was, yes, um, my colleagues lie constantly. It's a...professional necessity.
BSBaroness Sureka
Have you ever leaked, Mr. Cullen?
First of all, may I just say, uh, welcome back, Baroness Sureka. Big hugs. I'm sure I speak for everyone here when I say that we're all thinking of you...
BSBaroness Sureka
I'd rather you, um, swapped the ham-fisted flattery for actually answering my question, which was, "Have you ever leaked?"
Right. No, it's a very simple question and it's got a very simple answer. No, I haven't.
MHMatthew Hodge
Um, you'll be aware of Ollie Reeder's testimony to the inquiry where he said that, uh, you were, in fact, responsible for the PFI leak.
Yes I am. (Glenn quickly corrects himself.) By which I mean to say I am aware of, of that. But gosh, you've got to be careful what you say here, haven't you?
MHMatthew Hodge
You most certainly do, Mr. Cullen. Let's hope we're both up to it. Is there any truth at all to Mr. Reeder's accusations?
Absolutely none whatsoever. He's talking out of hi -- Out of his other cheeks, if you...
MHMatthew Hodge
Why would Oliver Reeder suggest that you were behind the PFI email leak, then?
I've absolutely no idea. It's very difficult for me to get into the mindset of somebody so entirely self-serving and, um...spiritually ugly. I mean, anyone who's been unfortunate enough to have come across Ollie Reeder will know that he is a genuinely...atrocious person.
MHMatthew Hodge
Do you believe Mr. Reeder was trying to cover himself, in that case?
Well, I do believe he has the emotional tools for the task. Yes, certainly.
MHMatthew Hodge
Do you believe that Ollie Reeder was behind the leak?
(after a long pause...) No. You see...a-a leak of this magnitude would require one essential item that Ollie lacks. And that's a spine. He is a man without a spine. He is a man-worm. He's a writhing mollusk without any strategies or convictions. He-he simply slimes his way into the nearest crack every night, and I would like to put on record that I apologize to this committee for being the man who brought him into the world of politics.
(In this scene, the phone in Peter's office keeps running, and he keeps picking up the phone -- only to hang up without really answering. While he's doing this, Phil enters Peter's office.)
Look, Phil. Every petty criminal in the country is in a holding pattern, because that barrel of cocks at the Home Office can't process their arrests quick enough. (Peter disconnects his phone.) So why am I the one who has to gimp himself out all day to Martha Kearney and Eddie Mair?
Because since the inquiry, DoSAC looks toxic and weak, and they're just trying to pile all the government's ills on top of us.
Who's fault's that, Phil?
I've said I'm sorry about the inquiry, okay? I started writing you a letter but it just seemed pretentious. Look, if it's any consolation, I haven't felt that humiliated since my trunks fell down at the school swimming gala.
It's of absolutely no consolation to think of you naked in front of 500 boys.
(walking in, on her phone) Yeah, absolutely, Trevor. OK, yeah, drinks soon. Yeah, you too. OK, bye. (hangs up) Oh, God! I just felt my ovaries cringe. I'm trying to flirt our way out of this police backlog.
I thought we weren't talking to The Proclaimers.
We have to play happy families for Mary, pretend I don't actually want to strangle Fergus's bollocks so they look like glacé cherries.
Meanwhile, an unarrested feral underclass has gone Mad Max, and police station waiting rooms are heaving like the hedgehog carvery at a gypsy wedding.
Ah, Peter. This War of the Roses with the Home Office? It ends now. We want a united realm. There's no vision in division.
Well, yes there is; (looks to Fergus's office) anyway, tell Perkin Warbeck over there.
OK people, could we briefly form a coherent group?
Mary Drake is in the building, she's on her way up.
OK...Shields up, guys; Centurions, we're forming a tortoise.
(Adam approaches Terri, and he's holding a ThinkSocially pamphlet in his hand.)
(to Terri) Okay. Terri, ThinkSocially. Did I sign off on this? Because I hadn't heard of ThinkSocially until I said it just then.
(But as Terri gets ready to explain, Mary Drake from the Home Office has arrived at DoSAC...and she's not happy.)
(moaning) Oh, God. Here-Here's Mary. Bunch up, everyone, so she doesn't see the corpses.
(Peter then hides in his office.)
Look, synchronize lies, all right? (Emma approaches Mary and shakes her hand.) Mary, hi. Hi, Emma, we met at the away day. I so enjoyed our, our mood play.
Yes, you actually did, didn't you? (to Terri) Oh, you must be the legendary Terri. (Mary shakes Terri's hand) I've heard a great deal about you.
Oh, oh, please, don't, uh, don't believe everything that you hear.
(sharply) I fully intend not to. (to Stewart) Stewart. Chakras balanced?
Uh, sorry. Tiny bit of, uh, housekeeping. (to Terri) Terri, um, uh, ThinkSocially? Uh, just checking in on that.
Yes. Yes, it's a go thing. Double-stamped, yes.
(Peter emerges from his office and greets Mary with an uneasy smile.)
Mary! Great to see you again.
(flatly) I'm here in an angry capacity.
Ah! The cream in our coffee, Mary.
(to all) The message from the Home Office is this: Move away from the backlog. There's nothing to see. Let the police do their jobs, let us do ours.
Sorry to be, uh, contrary, Mary, but Peter and I have just been discussing this very issue.
Shut up! Let me tell you something now: DoSAC is one rat's whisker away from being shut down and subsumed by the Home Office, and put in charge of cocking up the tea run! And I like mine weak, and white. Like my men. (leaves)
Stewart, any thoughts from within your fucking dream yurt?
I will go and try and de-frag this situation, but I am staying strictly macro. (leaves)
Subtitles, you need subtitles!
(to Terri) Sorry, erm, ThinkSocially. Terri, would you mind explaining rationally why I appear to be giving a ringing endorsement to a piece of shit that I've never even heard of?
It's not my fault, it's the-it's the double-stamping nonsense, that's the reason.
Oh, really? Because right now, I want to double-stamp on your fucking throat.
I'm gonna take that seriously as a physical threat!
You know, one of the many many things that baffles me about you is you remain unmurdered!
(Nicola has discovered that Declan, the journalist due to interview her, is the man behind 'Mr Chop'!)
I am, uh...ever so close to being on the verge of bawling my fucking eyes out' disappointed about this. I mean, this was it, was it? What was the alternative, going on Strictly Come Dancing and doing a fucking hooky waltz with Abu Hamza? This is pretty low. This is lower than my mother's pelvic floor, Helen.
I had to virtually go on the game to get you this. So, frankly, I don't care whether he wants to roll around in applesauce with you. Get in there and do as you're told.
(taking a breath) Right. I will go, because I'm choosing to go in. But I just need you to know for the record...
Just get in there before I push you in.
