Right, sorry to interrupt you at this very sad time, but we do have Prime Minister's Questions in one hour.
No it's fine, I've got the lead question, I've got the follow-up sarcastic question and I've got the withering put-down, so I'm prepped, I'm fucking prepped.
Yep. You'll walk rings round him.Ben: The Leader of the Opposition is in that room, Malcolm, practising walking. I mean, baby horses can walk from the womb, she's one-nil down to a pony.
A pony isn't a baby horse, it's a foal, a fucking foal is a baby horse.
Right, our guest tonight on 'I Don't Give a Fuck about Baby Horses' is me. But we need to do something about Nicola, Malcolm, I mean, you know about her plan – I mean, Nicola with a plan, that's like a toddler with a harpoon, there's a toddler wandering around in that office with a harpoon.
Yes, well, don't you worry about Nicola's plan. I'll deal with that, Sweaty Betty – Listen, when you wake up in the morning you've got a routine, haven't you?
Big shit, granola, check the email, shower and a shave, Nespresso, sometimes a second shit.
Exactly. You have a plan: that's good. Nicola has a plan: that's not good. But I have a plan: that's fucking great.Malcolm (seeing Nicola bend down in front of the photocopier): Oh, that's very moving: 'They shall not grow old, who photocopy their arses at the Christmas do'.
(Nicola and her advisers, Ollie Reeder & Helen Hatley, are brainstorming ideas for a buzzword for do-gooder members of the public.)
They're commuters, they are the street-pounders, street – walkers, um –
You can't call them streetwalkers.
They're the people who deal with the little stuff, erm – Wombles, Honest Wombles, Everyday Wombles?
Sorry, I've just got to take a call.
Erm, straights.
No!
No. No, of course, sorry.
Commuting champions.
Interrai– human interrailers –
Human interrailers? That's interrailers. Er, everyday superstars, all British supremes –
That sounds like a racist tribute band.
Ordinary people, with something special about them, with a special power.
Please don't say special. Don't say special.
No but – you know, but like sup– people as superheroes.
Ironpeople, Spiderpeople. Wolfpeople.
They're just regular citizens, but they have this – that one special quality that makes them like Batman, or Batpeople. Erm, Quiet Batpeople.
(glaring) Quiet Batpeople?
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