Terri, poppet, can you send me out a cry-mail, 'We give a toss, we're sorry for your loss', yeah? Peter, we might need to relaunch the trousers. And get him a tie, a bland one; Glenn, one of yours, yeah?
(Phil goes to get Glenn's tie)
Er, Peter, I have a bit of news I should probably make you aware of.
Yes I do know, Fergus, a man with an amusing name has died.
Er, no, actually, it's that this morning I, well, I set up a community bank.
You did what? You s– You set up a bank?
Phil (returning with Glenn's tie): I had a moment of weakness and they exploited it, like Hugh Grant.
Yeah, well, we didn't really have much choice 'cause it was all going to piss in a kettle here, so we had to get the economist out of the way.
What are you talking about? What economist?
Well, we were having a preliminary meeting when Phil started to crow, Glenn was having a meltdown, it was getting embarrassing!
You bought a bank out of social embarrassment? I sometimes buy The Big Issue out of social embarrassment, I don't buy a fucking bank!
Peter, this is so fucking us.
Yeah, let me just wind back, right? Let's get this straight, just so that I can deal with you two properly: how much is this bank?
FAFergus and Adam
Well, £2 billion.
Alright, don't need to shit yourself about it, because we're not buying it. OK? It's funded by taxes.
Oh great, the triple! I'm a nurse-killer, a banker, and now I'm raising fucking TAXES?
Well, you are meant to be the bad cop, so what's our out?
(Phil drapes Glenn's tie around Peter's neck)
You're giving me an actual noose along with a metaphorical one. TROUSERS!
PhilSorry, I'm getting the trousers – (interrupted by an alert on his phone) Jesus! What were you guys doing at the hotel? There's a picture of you on a slide, it's been tweeted by a golfer.
(looks at the photo) Oh, f–
(receiving Phil's phone) No no no no no no...
Phil
It's gonna go big, probably viral. Bigger than Charlie Bit My Finger.
You look like the Shit Family Robinson.
(Stewart suddenly screams and hurls Phil's phone at the wall, narrowly missing Emma)
(Stewart storms off)
Oh, poor Stewart. I think a bit of his brain broke.
Phil
My phone broke! I was up to Warlock General in Dragonlance! A year of my life, gone!
Er, Peter, speaking of socially embarrassing situations, what the fuck were you doing being photographed on a slide?
It was the only place we could get a FUCKING SIGNAL!
Two grown men in a playground, that's a pretty 'clear signal'.
Peter, Number 10 have seen the photo. They don't want you to make a statement. So Fergus, looks like you're up. Statement on Tickle in 10 minutes, OK?
I'm gonna go and talk Stewart down.
(Phil tries to hand the pair of trousers to Peter.)
I don't want the fucking trousers!
(Phil gives Glenn his tie back.)
Phil
Here you go, I managed to wrestle your tie back off Terri. I think there's still some of her fingernails in it, though.
Well, in the grand scheme of things, that's not such a big deal.
Phil
You're not going to come and watch your guy give the statement?
No. He's not my guy, Phil. I'm on my own here, there's no one quite like me. Not here, not any more.
Phil
Yeah. You're the last VHS in Oxfam. They won't take them anymore, I've tried. Seasons 1 to 5 of The X-Files, nothing, can't give them away.
(In this scene, Peter, Phil and Emma are walking their way upstairs to their office. The news of Nicola Murray's resignation as Leader of the Opposition is being broadcast on TV.)
Phil
There she goes, a tiebreaker in the making. "Who was Nicola Murray? I'll have to hurry you, teams."
Farewell, our shit and useless servant.
Yeah, at least Miller's a step up from Murray. He doesn't have to write Left and Right on his wellies.
(Meanwhile, Stewart is leading his team downstairs at their desks.)
I need your attention for 30 of your earth seconds. This is what will happen.
Phil
(looking downstairs) What the fuck is Stewart doing?
You will go to the Z drive. You find a file entitled, "Miller Ascension, Whitehall Arab Spring." Open, ingest, implement. And after that...(While Stewart is talking to the team, he sees Peter, Phil and Emma upstairs and makes an "I see you" gesture towards them.) I expect both of you, you two...
The man made of space hopper is coming this way.
(Peter, Phil and Emma continue walking.)
This is gonna be about the inquiry.
(to Phil and Emma) I'm thinking I should resign now.
(Emma and Phil are stunned.)
Phil
No, you can't do that! You're Aslan! No one shaves your mane!
I'm not a fucking lion, Phil. There's going to be an inquiry into the death of a man who died because of a policy I signed off on. We all know how this is going to end. I, I, I should take the dignified way out.
No, you've missed the dignified exit. That was straight away, basically.
(slumping his shoulders) Yeah.
(Peter, Phil and Emma are now talking about Fergus and Adam's Carer's Pass policy.)
The only silver lining in today's cloud of farts is that another one of Morecambe and Wise's policy launches is ruined.
Phil
Are those the carers? They don't look old enough.
Free travel passes or something. It's another one of Adam and Fergus's Pop-Up Book of Policies.
(As Peter and his team stop by the carers, he politely greets them and shakes their hands.)
(to the carers) Peter Mannion, lovely to meet you. What vital work you do.
Peter, I'd love to introduce you to the carers...
(to Fergus, flatly) I've just met them.
(Peter, Phil and Emma are now trying to come up with a plan in Peter's office...)
What's my plan? I didn't resign, and now this inquiry's gonna nail me up like fucking Barabbas.
Phil
Actually, he was the one they let go. Shouldn't have, he's a criminal.
Wait...We could, we could wrong-foot Murray.
You could push for the inquiry to go wider.
Phil
Wider? That's mental, we want to shut it down!
No, shush! Just hear me out! We can look into the whole, the whole culture of PFI procurement.
Phil
That is a good idea.
Phil
Fuck, that hurt to say! But she-she's right, because, um, Murray's husband's involved in PFI and he's as dodgy as a Russian, – as a Russian.
We can backspin it, Peter, it's good.
But, but is – is revenge a mature response? Let me think: Yes it is. Right, let's poke her in the PFIs.
(In this scene, Peter, Phil and Emma arrive at Stewart's office at Number 10. Stewart is preparing a "whiteboard session"...much to Peter's annoyance.)
Ah, Team Peter. Come on, guys, let's take a little imagination stroll through a virtual inquiry, yeah?
(groaning) Oh, dear God, not another whiteboard session. I've-I've got a note from my mother, I have a verruca.
Just wanna get an overview, Peter, yeah? A helicopter shot of where we currently are. Who's most to blame in the blame garden. Okay, the onion is PFI. Let's peel back some layers. Murray resignation, how do we feel about that?
What's "Tickle's M Records"?
Medical, it's his leaked medical records.
Leaked? I-I-I thought they were common knowledge.
Well, they are now, because they have been leaked.
(to Emma) Did you know about this?
Well, yeah, Number 10 knew, so I-I knew, yeah.
(to Phil) What about you?
Phil
Yeah, I-I thought Tickle leaked them himself.
Who would voluntarily leak their own medical records? You'd have to be mad to do that.
He was mad, that's precisely what his records said.
Phil
Exactly. You know, he was a male nurse. That's not just mad, that's mental.
(taken aback) Oh, Phil! Did the last 30 years only happen to other people?
Why didn't I know about this? Leaking medical records is illegal. Well, I-I -- Now I look guilty and incompetent.
(writing on the whiteboard) Ah! Peter, incompetent.
Look! Don't write that down! I'm not on your sodding onion!
(continuing writing) What is GFU? Good for us. Mmm?
Emma (looking at her phone): Oh, shit with a capital SHIT! We've got to go.
Phil
Great! (stands up)
Hey, no no no no no no no, sit.
The Guardian have received an email from Fergus – actually, do you know, strike that, a chain of emails – Oh, perfect, with all of our comments about Mr. Tickle underneath.
Phil
Oh God, not-not the one where we all piled in with the Mr. Men jokes?
Yes, yes. That one, Phil.
Phil
Oh, Jesus!
(They all run back to DoSAC while reading the emails on their phones.)
They've leaked all the bloody emails: 'Mr. Tickle sounds like a gropey clown at a kids' party'.
I can't see! Can I make it bigger?
Phil
Go to Settings. 'Poor ickle Mr. Tickle, perhaps he's mentally sickle.' Must be Fergus.
Is this Settings? Oh, I think I've just taken a picture of my feet!
(As soon as Team Peter enters the meeting room and close the door, Peter really lays into Phil and Emma.)
I can't resign, and I'm not gonna resign. I had the perfect moment to resign, which was right early on, when I could have resigned in a dignified and statesman-like way, and you both advised me not to resign. So now, I can't resign.
(Phil and Emma agree with Peter's decision not to resign.)
(still composing himself) What's gonna happen is this. One of you has got to go. I want both of you to give me reasons why you shouldn't resign.
Phil
(stunned) Er, because...because I'm a, a Special Advisor to a...senior cabinet minister.
(while Phil's talking) That's a job description, Philip. That's a job description.
(unimpressed) That's not a reason. That's just your job -- from which I'm asking you why you shouldn't resign.
Phil
(struggling) I know everything about you. I am a, a world expert in-in-in Peter Mannion from, uh, PIN number to inside leg measurement. I, I'm-I'm there, um, you know...
(to Phil) What's his inside leg measurement?
Phil
(to Emma) 34. (to Peter) I've given you everything, Peter, you can't...I mean, I-I don't have anything else, that's the point. I don't, I don't have any friends, I don't have any life, I haven't had sex for five years and I don't even enjoy it, so...you know, I'm not gonna get anyone pregnant. I'm never gonna get anyone pregnant, okay? You know, I'm fucking seedless. Whereas she's just, just a fucking baby bomb, okay?
Phil
And she's gonna go off all over the office and-and leave you! I'm gonna be here!
(And THEN, to make matters worse for Peter, Terri barges into the meeting room!)
(entering) I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but my-my good name is at stake here.
Peter, you must understand. I am an innocent woman. I'm the DoSAC One.
(fed up) That's it! I've had enough! I've had enough of all of you! You're all shit! I'm gonna sort it out by myself!
(Peter leaves the meeting room...but now he's trying to outrun Terri.)
I can't bear that you think about me like this.
I insist. I insist. I insist, Peter, please...
All right, Terri! I admit it, I'm in love with you! Now fuck off back to your office and organize the wedding!
In the time it has taken for Terri to extract herself from her Bluetooth, this little inquiry has fused! It is now growing faster than the speed of bloody light! It's not gonna be something that we can see from space, IT'S GOING TO BE SPACE! BRIAN COX IS GONNA PHONE ME, AND ASK FOR THE FILM RIGHTS!
BUT WHAT LEAK, WHAT LEAK, WHAT FUCKING LEAK?!
ANYTHING! If I find out that anyone from here has leaked anything, I will make sure they have to emigrate after this to a country where they don't speak English, and there's no Internet!
But every-everyone who leaked anything, that would fill the fucking Caspian Sea, we're just a drop in the ocean here!
No, no, no, what you are, Peter, is Leak Zero! It started here! You have presided over a shambolic showering of info! Peter Mannion, 'Singing in the Rain'! (mobile rings) Oh, Christ. (answers) Hello, Malcolm!
Right, was this your idea? Because I don't remember signing any suicide pact.
Malcolm, look, I'm as shocked about this as you are.
Yes. You sound really shocked, you big fucking spunk lolly.
Yeah, look, I don't even know what that is. But I, you know, I think we all need time to, to process this data, yep?
(Fergus and Adam burst in)
WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!
(restraining Fergus) All right, Fergus. (calmly) What the fuck is going on?
Phil
The Ark has been opened, and your face is gonna melt!
There's gonna be an inquiry.
(In this scene, the phone in Peter's office keeps running, and he keeps picking up the phone -- only to hang up without really answering. While he's doing this, Phil enters Peter's office.)
Look, Phil. Every petty criminal in the country is in a holding pattern, because that barrel of cocks at the Home Office can't process their arrests quick enough. (Peter disconnects his phone.) So why am I the one who has to gimp himself out all day to Martha Kearney and Eddie Mair?
Phil
Because since the inquiry, DoSAC looks toxic and weak, and they're just trying to pile all the government's ills on top of us.
Who's fault's that, Phil?
Phil
I've said I'm sorry about the inquiry, okay? I started writing you a letter but it just seemed pretentious. Look, if it's any consolation, I haven't felt that humiliated since my trunks fell down at the school swimming gala.
It's of absolutely no consolation to think of you naked in front of 500 boys.
(walking in, on her phone) Yeah, absolutely, Trevor. OK, yeah, drinks soon. Yeah, you too. OK, bye. (hangs up) Oh, God! I just felt my ovaries cringe. I'm trying to flirt our way out of this police backlog.
Phil
I thought we weren't talking to The Proclaimers.
We have to play happy families for Mary, pretend I don't actually want to strangle Fergus's bollocks so they look like glacé cherries.
Come out, everyone! Tally-ho, yoo-hoo! Come on, bring out your fucking dead! Right, everybody listen, I've got an announcement to make, erm...
Phil
What is it, you got an erection?
No. I would like to tell you all that I'm resigning!
Phil
Is that it?
No, you closeted Regency homosexual, that is not it. Morally, this department is in the gutter!
Thanks for the speech, Glenn, but we have work –
(grabs a desktop lamp) YOU STAY AND TAKE YOUR PUNISHMENT! I will lamp you, with a lamp!
Glenn, you've gone a tiny bit psychotic, my love.
(puts down the lamp) You, Fergus, when you asked me to join you, all you had was your principles, but over the last two years, you've bent like a human fucking palm tree, swaying to the guff of these six-toed born-to-rule pony-fuckers.
If you're gonna go, just go. Spare us this Peter Finch bullshit.
Oh! Adam, you're waiting for your turn! Oh no! I remember, it's your turn right now!
You are simply the most loathsome human being I have ever met.
You were so well-suited at the Mail, it's a shame you came over here!
Hear, hear! (she and Phil clap)
Do you know what? I hate you both: Tweedle-twat and Tweedle-prick! You contribute absolutely nothing to the world, so thank fucking God you have no power!
Er, we do actually, it's –
No, you don't. And Peter: it's been dreadful. I hope your cock falls off. Phil, do you know what you are? You're like an eight-year-old trapped in a twelve-year-old's body.
Phil
(gleefully) This is great! Why isn't anyone filming this?
Phil
Yeah, yeah, do Emma, do Emma!
Yeah, Emma, I'm sorry, you're just a standard-issue insipid posh bitch. That's it! (Emma smiles and shrugs slightly) Terri? (takes a pair of scissors)
Phil
Oh, whoa, whoa.
I don't think I've ever met anyone quite so proud, and yet quite so useless. But I do have to thank you, (takes his pass and cuts it up) because I have managed to stay in shape, purely though the energy I spend in pitying you every day!
Glenn, you're just embarrassing yourself.
Fuck you all up the wrong 'un! Ta ta! Bye bye! (leaves)
Phil
That was better than IMAX Inception.
Should we try and get him back?
Fuck, no. He's gone completely mental!
The Thick Of It · 395 quotes
