Ollie Reeder quotes from The Thick Of It

Ollie

Ben small-balled it. Nicola's offered him Shadow Chancellor, he's not resigning.

Malcolm

Christ in a diamond heist, the dopey fucking bollard. Right, how are you getting on with the old man from Up?

Ollie

Yeah, you know, getting there.

Malcolm

Well, get a move on. I want him leaking like Cliff Richard out jogging.

Ollie

Right. OK. I'll be right on it. (hangs up)

Ollie

Erm... Glenn is in reception.

Malcolm

Hoddle? Miller? Close? Morangie?

Ollie

Cullen. Glenn Cullen is in reception.

Malcolm

Glenn?

Ollie

Yeah.

Malcolm

Why are you even fucking telling me that? When the Queen's butler finds a cockroach in the pantry, he just stamps on it.

Ollie

Yes...

Malcolm

She doesn't even know!

Ollie

Okay. Okay! I'll go stamp on the cockroach, Malcolm.

Glenn

Oh, hey! Shouldn't you be in bed?

Ollie

Shouldn't you not be here?! Whoa, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop! You can't go up there.

Glenn

No, I have to. I can't go back over there, it's like Alien vs. Predator!

Ollie

Glenn!

Glenn

I want back in! Here!

Ollie

Yes, everybody is... tremendously appreciative of what you've done. It was a noble sacrifice, but--

Glenn

What do you mean, "sacrifice"? I thought we had a deal! "Sacrifice" sounds very one-sided.

Ollie

Yeah, well, "piss off" sounds one-sided, but there we go-- (Malcolm arrives and pushes him aside) Hey! M-Malcolm!

Malcolm

Why is he still here? Can you not perform a simple task? When there is a shit on your doorstep, you hose it off.

Ollie

Right.

Malcolm

You don't try to talk it into leaving of its own volition.

Glenn

I got rid of Nicola for you, you owe me!

Malcolm

I owe you? Your act of treachery wiped the slate clean. Rudolf Hess's fucking senile older brother.

Glenn

Look, I know you think I screwed up, but I came here on my hands and knees, Malcolm.

Malcolm

You, my friend, you don't exist to me anymore, I can't even fucking hear you.

Glenn

Do you want me to beg? Is-Is that it? Because I -- Because I will.

Malcolm

Listen, Mary, Queen of fucking Shits: in the old days we would've just slit you up the middle like a fucking Cornish pasty, hanged your steaming entrails all around the Tower of fucking London! Catch you later, you fucking traitor! (turns to Sam, who has appeared on the stairs) Sam, what is it?

It's a call from Stewart Pearson.

Malcolm

(takes the phone from Sam) Stewart Pearson. (to Glenn) I'm the fucking wankers' lodestone today. (answers the phone, walking away) Stewart. Yes, the goatee-bearded guru-boy of Company B.

Ollie

It's a no, Glenn.

Ollie

An inquiry into all of leaking, all of leaking! We are so – We are so screwed!

Malcolm

He's done it. That chinless horse-fiddler. Our fuck-lustrious PM has opened Pandora's fucking Box, and curled a massive steamer right into it!

Malcolm

Have I just stepped through a portal into a sausage machine? Because this is making mincemeat of my head. It's the end of the world as we know it. To paraphrase a popular fucking Bangles song.

Ollie

It was, erm...It was R.E.M.

Malcolm

Don't start contradicting me on that kind of shit.

Malcolm

This is the gift that's gonna go on giving, believe you me. So you'd better keep your head down. And I don't mean just when you're frequenting your favorite glory holes.

Ollie

(sarcastically) Yeah, well...Whereas your closet is completely free of skeletons, isn't it, Malcolm? 'Cause you've buried them in a landfill in Essex.

Malcolm

Just go and stop her doing anything mental, right? Which, given that she thought she could be Prime Minister, the parameters for mental are about as wide as your mother's legs when the fleet's in town.

Ollie

All right, if I'm doing this for you, can we have a bit more respect for my mother, please? Those sailors get lonely.

Malcolm

This is some of my best stuff, and it's being ignored.

Ollie

Yeah, what does that tell you?

Glenn

But I came here on my hands and knees, Malcolm, I'm supplicating here; I'm a supplicant, Malcolm.

Malcolm

Well, unfortunately, that ship has sailed, hit a fucking iceberg, sunk, and Julian Fellowes has written a fucking shit drama about it.

Dan

Ollie, what the fuck are we doing here? Everything's fine. I'm like lube at a funeral.

Ollie

Yeah. I can't believe it but DoSAC have actually turned this around, they've Apollo 13'd it.