Ollie Reeder quotes from The Thick Of It

Glenn

You know, I just can't quite believe this. I mean, this is the single most shocking thing I've seen in politics since the SDP. I thought he'd at least go out with a bang or a killing spree.

Ollie

I always imagined he'd just shout so hard his lungs would come up and choke him to death.

Steve

So, everything: Good.

Ollie

Yeah, you know, a bit of instability with Malcolm gone, a sort of sense of Post – you know, Psychotic Twats Disorder, but –

Steve

No no, listen, I understand, but you know, right now, you're all emerging from the cellar – pleased that the beatings have stopped - scared of what the future might hold, but long-term, I think we're all gonna be okay. Pep talk, over! Return to your desks, and prepare for government.

Ollie

We're in government.

Steve

(smiling, but clearly annoyed) Well then, prepare to stay in government.

Ollie

Oh right. How do we do that?

Glenn

We pack an overnight bag.

Steve

(apoplectic) Will you PLEASE, FUCKING WELL – (Steve immediately composes himself, and lets out a forced laugh) I'm sorry, I've lost my temper! Where is it? Where is it? Oh, no, I've found it again. It's alright.

Ollie

Always in the last place you look, eh?

Nicola

(to Steve) So, can I...?

Steve

Yeah.

Nicola

Great.

Steve

Uh, actually, can I have a word with you, Nicky, please?

Nicola

Yeah. Nicola.

Steve

I just wanted to check. Obviously, Dan Miller's cabal is going house to house through the cabinet looking for numbskulls stupid enough to resign to trigger his elevation to the throne.

Nicola

(nodding) Obviously.

Steve

What I need to know is are you solid?

Nicola

Yeah, I am completely -- I am solid as, as the proverbial. As-as a rock. As a rock-hard...as a sailor's wang on shore leave.

Steve

(very pleased) Superb. You really are the potty mouth, aren't you?

Nicola

(chuckling) Well, a lot to do.

Nicola

Ollie, Glenn, in here now. Quick, quick, quick.

Nicola

Oh Glenn! Don't faff around with your glasses, I know you take them off every time you come in here. It's not impressive. (to Glenn and Ollie) What do we know about the anti-Tom cabal? Why have I not been contacted by them?

Glenn

Well, um, uh...

Ollie

Because it would be you...uh, you're seen very much as an individual around the, uh...

Nicola

(embarrassed) That's bollocks, isn't it? It's 'cause I'm the girl at the party nobody wants to dance with. I'm the freak in the corner with a pint of cider and blackcurrant and the funny eye.

Ollie

No no. I-I mean, it's...You know, it a big, big Rolodex full of numbers. I'm sure...

Nicola

(to both Glenn & Ollie) Thank you. You may go.

Glenn

(stammering) We st-We still would like to dance with you.

Nicola

(to Glenn) Oh, fuck off. Go and put your glasses back on.

Nicola

Hello. You all right? You've got that 'cock in the cookie jar' look.

Ollie

He's back.

Nicola

Who? Barrymore?

Ollie

No.

Nicola

Clement Attlee? (realises) Oh fuck!

Ollie

Yes.

Nicola

Malcolm.

Ollie

Yes.

Nicola

Oh, no. God, he's gonna kill me. I was there when he was being sacked and he asked me for help, and I held out and now he's gonna want revenge isn't he? Fuck, fuck, fuck, it's gonna be like 'Kill Bill' or 'Get Carter', only it's gonna be 'Get and kill Nicola and then get Carter and Bill to fucking kill her too'!

Glenn

(reading a headline about Steve and Julius on Times Online) "Care to do another draft, Sir Whitewash?"

Ollie

What have The Mirror got?

Terri

"Give us the bald facts?" (beat) Oh, that's very rude, that, isn't it? I was always taught never to make personal remarks about people.

Ollie

He's impressive, Malcolm, in an evil way. Like those women at Crufts who make dogs dance on their hind legs.

Glenn

Okay, listen up everybody. That was Gavin over at Number 10. He reckons that Steve Fleming has just joined the cabal.

OOH!

Glenn

Yeah, mate.

Terri

That's a complete disaster. There'll be nothing else on television for weeks.

Ollie

Where's Malcolm? Where's the dark knight in all this?

Glenn

Malcolm will have grabbed his false passport by now. He'll be on a plane to Brazil and he's about to spend the rest of his days being the world's scariest dentist.

Nicola

What's she talking about?

Ollie

Oh. She's putting on her annual production of Joseph, in Hemel Hempstead. She doesn't license it ever because she considers Joseph to be public domain.

Terri

But I need to just pitch it a little higher. More like, (sings at a much higher pitch) 'Red and yellow and blue and green' –

Glenn

She's directing it. And starring.

Ollie

As Jacob.

Nicola

With a beard?

Ollie

Well, one assumes with a beard. Maybe she'll just let herself go for a couple of weeks, see what happens.

Terri

See you, Nicola! (to herself) Or not.

Ollie

Is this good, all this panic? I haven't seen Snakes on a Plane, but I imagine this is pretty much how people would react on finding their plane was brimming with snakes.

Nicola

Except Malcolm is the snakes, isn't he? I mean, this is more Snakes Not on a Plane.(deleted scene)

Don't get any ideas, Malcolm. I can cut you loose any time I like; I can toss you aside like an unwanted panettone, which, I warn you, is most panettones.(deleted scene)

Ollie

24 hours a day? Fuck off. No, we're political advisors, we're not fucking prostitutes.

Terri

Well, you've spoilt it now.

Ollie

Right, sorry to interrupt you at this very sad time, but we do have Prime Minister's Questions in one hour.

Nicola

No it's fine, I've got the lead question, I've got the follow-up sarcastic question and I've got the withering put-down, so I'm prepped, I'm fucking prepped.

Ollie

Yep. You'll walk rings round him.Ben: The Leader of the Opposition is in that room, Malcolm, practising walking. I mean, baby horses can walk from the womb, she's one-nil down to a pony.

Malcolm

A pony isn't a baby horse, it's a foal, a fucking foal is a baby horse.

Ben

Right, our guest tonight on 'I Don't Give a Fuck about Baby Horses' is me. But we need to do something about Nicola, Malcolm, I mean, you know about her plan – I mean, Nicola with a plan, that's like a toddler with a harpoon, there's a toddler wandering around in that office with a harpoon.

Malcolm

Yes, well, don't you worry about Nicola's plan. I'll deal with that, Sweaty Betty – Listen, when you wake up in the morning you've got a routine, haven't you?

Ben

Big shit, granola, check the email, shower and a shave, Nespresso, sometimes a second shit.

Malcolm

Exactly. You have a plan: that's good. Nicola has a plan: that's not good. But I have a plan: that's fucking great.Malcolm (seeing Nicola bend down in front of the photocopier): Oh, that's very moving: 'They shall not grow old, who photocopy their arses at the Christmas do'.

Ollie

They're commuters, they are the street-pounders, street – walkers, um –

Nicola

You can't call them streetwalkers.

Ollie

They're the people who deal with the little stuff, erm – Wombles, Honest Wombles, Everyday Wombles?

Malcolm

Sorry, I've just got to take a call.

Nicola

Erm, straights.

Ollie

No!

Nicola

No. No, of course, sorry.

Helen Hatley

Commuting champions.

Nicola

Interrai– human interrailers –

Ollie

Human interrailers? That's interrailers. Er, everyday superstars, all British supremes –

Malcolm

That sounds like a racist tribute band.

Nicola

Ordinary people, with something special about them, with a special power.

Ollie

Please don't say special. Don't say special.

Nicola

No but – you know, but like sup– people as superheroes.

Ollie

Ironpeople, Spiderpeople. Wolfpeople.

Nicola

They're just regular citizens, but they have this – that one special quality that makes them like Batman, or Batpeople. Erm, Quiet Batpeople.

Malcolm

(glaring) Quiet Batpeople?

Nicola

Before we finish, I just want to throw one more pebble into the thought pool.

Ben

Ploop.

Nicola

Sorry Ben, I missed that?

Ben

Just I'm sorry, I just, I said 'ploop', it's just the noise of a pebble.

Nicola

"Quiet Batpeople" on every fucking paper!

Malcolm

Right, this is a wake-up call. And by the way, Helen, the next time you want to make Nicola look like a clown with her fucking hair on fire in a Zumba class, why don't you just take your notes down to Snappy Snaps and get them blown up to gigantic charity cheque size, so the partially sighted can be in on the fucking gag?

Helen

I didn't know they'd be able to see it!

Malcolm

So we have to seize the agenda. We have to deflect attention away from all this. It's now time to embrace our friend Mr. Tickle.

Nicola

I can't even say his name without smiling.

Ollie

Yeah, well, he's not smiling, is he? He's living in a tent, 'cause his key-worker housing's been sold off.

Malcolm

Yes, and he's a 24-carat fucking nutcase. Which means that Peter Mannion has been picking on a man with a history of depression. That's a way right into the Principality of Pricks right there.

Malcolm

It's time for you to step up, Ollie. What's that film that you love?

Ollie

What film?

Malcolm

The one about the fucking hairdresser, the space hairdresser and the cowboy. The guy, he's got a tin foil pal and a pedal bin. His father's a robot and he's fucking fucked his sister. Lego! They're all made of fucking Lego.

Ollie

Star Wars?

Malcolm

That's the one, right. It's like that, okay? Where you fucking kill all the bad guys, and you'll be able to blow up the big –

Ollie

Death Star.

Malcolm

The Death Star thing. Then you can go and live happily ever after on the planet of the teddy bears.

Ollie

They're Ewoks, they're Ewoks. It's a fantastic analogy, well done.

Malcolm

You're right, she can't fucking walk.

Ben

I mean, should we get a pony to challenge her?

Malcolm

It's not a fucking pony, it's a fucking foal.

Ben

Sorry.

Helen

I don't understand how you can get that wrong.

Ollie

It's this: (demonstrates) de-de-clunk!

Helen

She is officially a Ceno-twat.

Ollie

Fabulous work, sister. Bury her in a grave. The Unknown Leader.

Helen

I can't watch: I feel a bit sick.

Ollie

I just hope there is no afterlife, because if people fought and died for this, it is going to seem even more ridiculously futile.

Ollie

Wombles, Honest Wombles, Everyday Wombles?

Helen

Right, OK, obviously, you know, we're not gonna block anything 'cause this is a think-thoughting session, erm –

Malcolm

Sorry, I've just got to take a call.

Ollie

Think-thoughting, Helen, is what we call, in the real world, thinking. It's the same. Am I say-speaking out of turn? Have I not understood-comprehended you?

Helen

I don't know, I tuned you out a bit.(deleted scene)

Ollie

Hiya, I thought you were bollocking Dan Miller.

Malcolm

Oh, I am. (to the empty chair next to him) Look at you! You bourgeois, fucking side-parted twat, you flap that bammed-up nutcrease of yours again, and I will fuck you so deep, that if you're not drowned in the blizzard of jizz, your rectum will become the biggest fucking indoor venue in fucking Europe.

Ollie

Are you OK?

Malcolm

Sit down.(deleted scene)

Ben

How do you know so much about horses, anyway? I thought you were raised by wolves.

Malcolm

I don't know anything about horses, apart from that a grown-up one's a fucking horse and a baby one's a foal. And why are you eating my biscuits?

Ben

I don't know, I found them on here. There's one left.

Malcolm

They are big wreaths.

Ben

It's like a toilet seat, isn't it? I mean, it's not, it's lovely.

Malcolm

What size of a wreath would you need for a nuclear war?

Ben

There wouldn't be anyone left to put it on the Cenotaph, would there? It'd be carried along by cockroaches or whatever it is they say'll survive.

Malcolm

Yeah.

Ollie

(answers his mobile) Hi Mum. Yeah, a bit sore –

Malcolm

(entering Ollie's room) Here she is, Britain's latest post-op transsexual. How did they do that, did they actually manage to graft one on? (briefly lifts up Ollie's bedsheet)

Ollie

I'll call you back, Mum. (hangs up) It's the scary Morrissey!

Malcolm

(throws Ollie some flowers) I've come to cheer you up.

Ollie

Did you actually buy me flowers, Malcolm?

Malcolm

No no no, it's one of the many advantages of living close to an accident blackspot. So how are things, the little boy from The Secret Garden?

Ollie

Well, you know, there's no Wi-Fi, there's basic Freeview. It's like living in 2003. But I am lighter to the tune of one whole appendix, so I do feel very svelte.

Malcolm

So have you seen this? (holds up the Guardian, which leads with an interview with Steve Fleming)

Ollie

(reads the headline) "Nicola Murray is 'unelectable'"?

Malcolm

(throws Ollie the paper) Fleming is foaming.

Ollie

Is that it then, is she fucked?

Malcolm

Like Caligula's favourite watermelon. Fleming's fired the starting pistol so we can all start firing our actual pistols into her fucking fat unelectable smug head.

Ollie

How...Is this it now?

Malcolm

It's on. It's on like Fat Pat's thong. We're putting Nicola on a train today to Bradford. It's the closest as I could get to locking her in a metal box.

Ollie

Oh, this is the Here 2 Hear thing. What a great idea, going around the country listening to people tell you that they hate you, just in different accents. (In various accents) "I fucking hate you." "I hate you." "I fucking hate you."

Ollie

So wait, today's the day?

Malcolm

Today's the day. Once she's on the train, I'm going to detonate the main bomb, but I need you to set one off later.

Ollie

(laughing) Malcolm, I'm in hospital, I'm not wearing any pants!

Malcolm

I don't care if you've been dead for a year and playing cribbage with Jimmy fucking Savile. I want you to make a bomb and explode it, today.

Ollie

(confused) This is a metaphorical bomb, right?

Malcolm

This is it, Jack fucking Bauer. Time for you to embrace your inner bastard.

Nicola

I'm not going to exploit a suicide.

Malcolm

Come on, you can't look a gift corpse in the mouth, you should be taking that corpse and slapping the Government about the face with it. Bit of slap with Tickle, yeah?

Nicola

No, I'm not doing it, it's insensitive, as was that.

Ollie

(to Glenn) So go on, then. How's life in Nazi HQ? Is it fun collaborating?

Glenn

Oh, don't start all that again. I got into government by accident.

Ollie

Speaking of which, how is Terri?

Glenn

She's entering her dog for Britain's Got Talent.

Glenn

(to Ollie) Look, what's the matter with you anyway? Please tell me you're looking for a bone marrow donor and that I'm your only hope. The answer would be no, by the way.

Ollie

Bad luck. No, it's an appendix out. Well, I hope it is. Since your lot took over the NHS, everything's a fucking adventure, isn't it?

Glenn

Look, all this is incredibly entertaining, Ollie. But you called me over in my lunch hour, and as you're fond of saying, I don't have many of them left.

Ollie

So you know all this stuff with Mr. Tickle?

Glenn

Sad business.

Ollie

Very sad business.

Glenn

Yeah. Mr. Sad is actually very very sad about it.

Ollie

Yes. Mr. Happy, on the other hand: fucking delighted!

Glenn

Yeah? Mr. Stoic's taking it on the chin.

Ollie

Yes! Mr. Milk-it says we should probably stop this now.

Glenn

Okey doke.

John Duggan

Actually, having an accurate wee into a moving train toilet would make a great round on The Cube with Phillip Schofield.Glenn (entering the toilet): Ollie, come on, this is my shittiest lunch break I've had since Stewart took us all out for sushi.

Ollie

Patience, old man, and you can watch the fuckpuppet master at work now. (calls Ben) Ben Swain! Benign tumour, Bental illness!

Ben

Ol– Oliver Cyst, Olivetti – Spaghet– I don't really have time for chit-chat, Ollie.

Ollie

Are you resigning, mate, are you dropping the R-bomb? Benola Gay? I'm not just, er, talking about the rumours.

Ben

Let's just say it is time to prepare the hidey-hole for Madame Hussein, her reign of error is over.

Ollie

And out of interest, Ben, what would it take to stop you from resigning?

Ben

Why, what's Nicola offering?

Ollie

Name your price!

Ben

All right. Shadow Chancellor.

Ollie

Ah, you still got it, Benny.

Ben

I'm serious, stop fucking laughing.

Ollie

All right, I'll call you back. (hangs up)

Glenn

This is a fucking joke! Ben Swain, Chancellor? He goes into debt every time he passes a sweet shop!