(answers his mobile) Hi Mum. Yeah, a bit sore –
(entering Ollie's room) Here she is, Britain's latest post-op transsexual. How did they do that, did they actually manage to graft one on? (briefly lifts up Ollie's bedsheet)
I'll call you back, Mum. (hangs up) It's the scary Morrissey!
(throws Ollie some flowers) I've come to cheer you up.
Did you actually buy me flowers, Malcolm?
No no no, it's one of the many advantages of living close to an accident blackspot. So how are things, the little boy from The Secret Garden?
Well, you know, there's no Wi-Fi, there's basic Freeview. It's like living in 2003. But I am lighter to the tune of one whole appendix, so I do feel very svelte.
So have you seen this? (holds up the Guardian, which leads with an interview with Steve Fleming)
(reads the headline) "Nicola Murray is 'unelectable'"?
(throws Ollie the paper) Fleming is foaming.
Is that it then, is she fucked?
Like Caligula's favourite watermelon. Fleming's fired the starting pistol so we can all start firing our actual pistols into her fucking fat unelectable smug head.
How...Is this it now?
It's on. It's on like Fat Pat's thong. We're putting Nicola on a train today to Bradford. It's the closest as I could get to locking her in a metal box.
Oh, this is the Here 2 Hear thing. What a great idea, going around the country listening to people tell you that they hate you, just in different accents. (In various accents) "I fucking hate you." "I hate you." "I fucking hate you."
So wait, today's the day?
Today's the day. Once she's on the train, I'm going to detonate the main bomb, but I need you to set one off later.
(laughing) Malcolm, I'm in hospital, I'm not wearing any pants!
I don't care if you've been dead for a year and playing cribbage with Jimmy fucking Savile. I want you to make a bomb and explode it, today.
(confused) This is a metaphorical bomb, right?
This is it, Jack fucking Bauer. Time for you to embrace your inner bastard.
I'm not going to exploit a suicide.
Come on, you can't look a gift corpse in the mouth, you should be taking that corpse and slapping the Government about the face with it. Bit of slap with Tickle, yeah?
No, I'm not doing it, it's insensitive, as was that.
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