Scenes with Glenn Cullen 129
(At the start of this episode, Nicola and her team are getting ready to launch DoSAC's Healthy Choices Campaign. The scene starts with a delivery man delivering big bottles of water.)
Glenn(to the delivery man, chuckling) Oh, that's great. Don't know why we've ordered so much water. We've all got rabies.
(on her cell phone) So, basically, just get crisps shaped like rockets, rainbow-colored ice cream, you know the stuff that all the other kids have at their parties.
(MORE big bottles of water!)
Glenn
(surprised) Blimey! More? What are we doing? Opening a dolphinarium?
(off her phone) Good. Sorted. So...Sorry about that. Where were we?
Glenn
Uh, healthy eating.
Beneficial Lifestyle Choices.
Glenn
What?
(happily) I've just landed Andy Murray.
YAY! That's brilliant! Andy Murray?
I've definitely got Andy Murray!
Andy Murray, the face of Healthy Choices.
Glenn
Oh, all right.
(sarcastically) No, the fucking pianist.
Nicola Murray NETS Andy Murray!
Well, we both netted him together.
Are you sure you want him?
Murray? (beat) Doesn't it sound like nepotism?
(Not appreciating Terri's criticism) Like, in the way people think Russ and Diane Abbott are related?
Glenn
And Bill Murray's her father?
Okay, I'll level with you. I don't like him.
(annoyed) Who would you suggest then, Terri?
Pooey Paula? That's not healthy. Shitting in your own pants, that's definitely not a healthy image.
Glenn
She could demonstrate how to do the Hop, Shit and Jump.
That is very unfair. It only happened once.
Once is all you need! Imagine if Bruce Forsyth, beginning of Strictly Come Dancing... (Ollie pretends to poop) "There we go!" You'd never hear the end of that. And quite rightly!
Terri, can we move on from your hatred of Andy Murray, and can we start trailing a major DoSAC initiative? Now, don't give any details at this stage. Just say it's major TBA.
It's really self-defeating if I have to explain abbreviations to you.
(to Glenn and Ollie) What's FFS?
Glenn
Oh, for fuck...
(to Ollie) Oh, we're gonna need Malcolm clearance, Ollie. Okay? (to Glenn) Glenn, can you get rid of all this water as well? It looks like something out of fucking Doctor Who.
(Meanwhile, Nicola, Glenn, Terri and Ollie are still getting over Malcolm being on holiday.)
Malcolm hasn't been on holiday for 10 years.
Glenn
Malcolm's got to keep moving or he's dead. He's like a shark of Bob Dylan.
Well, who's driving the bus?
(Steve Fleming enters the office and starts greeting the staff.)
SFSteve Fleming
Morning! Morning, DoSAC.
Glenn
Oh.
Bollocky bollocks. It's the Ghost of Christmas Shit.
Glenn
There's your answer, Terri: that's the man driving the bus, that's Reg bloody Varney. All stops to electoral oblivion, ding ding.
Get in my office, come on. It'll buy us a bit of time.
(They all do so, as Steve continues to move towards them.)
Glenn
Come on, have a look.
I've never seen Steve Fleming in the flesh.
For a man who brought us back into power, he's not very imposing, is he? He's like a Lego policeman.
Look at him. Super Mario.
(Steve joyfully enters Nicola's office with cups of coffee for her and her team.)
(Nicola and Steve shake hands, BUT...)
(At Steve's insistence, he gives Nicola a HUG! Fun for Steve...but not so much for Nicola.)
You look like you've lost some weight.
(very pleased) Oh, I think so, yes. No, your face looks quite gaunt. Muscly.
Anyway, I come bearing caffeinated gifts.
(Steve presents the cups of coffee, and the team is appreciative of his gesture. Then, Steve gets down to business.)
I'm gonna cut to the chase. I need you to publish...all the crime stats since 2004 as an accompaniment to our Transparent Government launch. From 2004 up to the last quarter.
Okay, we are just about to launch, um, Healthy Choices. With Andy Murray.
Andy Murray! Whoa! (Steve mimes a tennis volley.) Ace!
(to Nicola) We'll make a Minister of you yet.
I mean, after that, we can try and get you something for, say, end of the week?
After? Why after? Why not right alongside? Or, here's a thought...Before.
Because we're under-resourced and it's not a priority.
The PM thinks it is a priority. It can be done. (beat) Oh, I seem to have reached the end of my argument.
Okay. Well, look, um, why don't we say Thursday lunchtime. Okay?
Glenn
Well, you've got Fran's leaving lunch on Thursday.
I have got a lunch. Thursday afternoon.
(still smiling) Yes, I don't give a fuck about Fran's leaving lunch. I'm saying Now now now now now now now now. Now!
Okay. Chillax. We're on the case, Steve.
Lovely. Thank you very much.
Good. Okay. Well, it's a delight to see you again.
(Another awkward hug between Steve and Nicola.)
(jokingly) Mind my gaunt face.
(to the whole team) Bye-bye.
(But now, Ollie has to give Nicola the bad news...)
Malcolm says we have to drop him.
Andy. He's not in, he's now out. Apparently, according to Malcolm, sent to bed without any barley water.
I mean, he's a fucking tennis player! We're not asking Shane MacGowan! Why?
It's nothing personal. He just said bringing in celebrities looks desperate. He said it's the sign of a dying government.
We are a dying government! Our hair's falling out, and we're coughing up blood, and our kids are asking us to change the will!
Look, he was quite clear about this. He said just, you know, kill it. Kitten, breeze block, sack, canal.
Oh, I can imagine him being clear about it. Right. We've gotta get on to -- (to Terri) You've gotta get on to...
...Andy Murray's people and find a polite way of saying, "Piss off, Andy. Apparently, you're too well-known to front our public awareness campaign."
(But Glenn has some GOOD news on the crime stats.)
Glenn
Right! Good news is I have done all that pile and that's in the system.
Glenn
(stretching his back) Oh, fuck me!
(But then, Glenn sees a trolley-full of more crime stats headed his way!)
Glenn
What the hell's THIS?
It appears to be a trolley-full of crime stats.
Glenn
"Vandalism?" "Bicycle theft?" Oh, this is ridiculous!
(And just when he says THAT, Glenn kicks open a box of crime stats!)
Well, that's given us an unexpected head start, well done. I would kill you but I'd have to add you to the fucking figures.
(to Terri) Okay. Think about what you're gonna say.
Yeah. Okay, I've done that.
What? Already? Is that enough time?
(on the phone) Kate. Hello. Uh, Terri Coverley. Yes. Yeah, we're thrilled about Andy being on board.
(whispering to Terri) Get on with it.
(stammering) No. I'm not actually saying that it's...
(Nicola then sees Steve Fleming entering the room. Again.)
(still whispering) Shit! End the call. End the call. It's Mustache Sally. Fleming! Steve Fleming's here! Put the phone down!
(to Nicola) Ah, Nicola Murray! How are the crime stats coming along?
It's not easy, Steve, as you can see. But Glenn and Ollie are on top of it.
"Other theft?" What the fuck is other theft?
Glenn
I don't know what other theft is.
If you want to stay late, or pull an all-nighter, if you think it'd help –
Glenn
You want us to work all through the night on this?
It would be very much appreciated upstairs.
Hah, well: I'm an atheist.
(laughs) By the Prime Minister. I did get the joke, by the way.
You're Nicola? Nicola Murray?
(Nicola nods her head "Yes.")
Ah. Secretary of State for...
That's right. I'm Secretary of State. So why has a sports personality launched my policy on his fucking website?
Ah! No, I know. I know exactly why that is.
You didn't make the phone call, did you?
Nicola, um, in other really bad news -- Good morning, by the way.
Glenn
(on the phone) This is about the crime stats, yeah?
Yeah, some of the crime stats that we published, as it turns out, were unverified and not ready for being in the public domain. Uh, Marianne Swift from The Mail...
That's the one. She noticed, uh, a drop in the figures for aggravated burglary in the last quarter. Whereas when she checked it out...
Right. So Swine-Face Swift and her piggy hack-hog colleagues...
Exactly. So we're getting a lot of, uh, oinking on the phones. So basically what that means is that the department -- well, essentially the royal you, um, seem to have massaged the crime figures.
Great. Thank you, Steve fucking "Ew, Nicola!" Fleming!
Yup. He is a fucking...ninny, isn't he?
(Meanwhile, at DoSAC, Glenn, Ollie & Terri are on their desk phones, trying to get a better handle on the news of the moment.)
Glenn
(on his phone) No, we're not manipulating the figures. Somebody quite simply made a mistake. No. No, I couldn't possibly say who.
(on his phone) Glenn Cullen. Glenn with one, one N.
(on her phone) We have actually decided to go in a different direction from Andy.
(Steve and Malcolm have entered the room, both making a beeline for Nicola's office.)
Glenn
(to Malcolm) Good holiday?
Shut it, you fucking hairdresser.
(to Malcolm) Got any photos?
I've got a photo of you in a minute with your cock nailed to the desk. Hey, you want to see something that's truly worth photographing? Look at Steve Fleming at work, eh? That's the real master of spin. He's Spinny fucking Hendrix.
(Meanwhile, Steve is trying to turn a negative into a positive. He wants to get Glenn and Ollie to fix the crime stats crisis.)
Lads, let's get this crime stats cock-up sorted. What have you both got so far?
Glenn
Well, actually, now we've been trying to think of a replacement for Andy Murray. Some of the women footballers...uh, Jessica Clark, or Sue Smith. Or Faye White.
(Steve's starts smiling, but he's getting annoyed.)
I cannot believe the energy going into Andy Murray! (Starts laughing again) I can't!
(Steve starts leaving DoSAC.)
Glenn
(to Ollie) What's his problem.
(Glenn and Ollie are reading stories about Malcolm in the newspapers.)
I had no idea, no idea that it was Malcolm who drafted Fleming's resignation letter in 2003.
Glenn
I forgot your political memory only goes back two issues of The Economist.
Hey! There's a reference to you here, Cullen.
Glenn
Where?
'Alleged to have assaulted an elderly aide at a party conference.'
Glenn
Elderly aide?
Glenn
God, that makes me sound like a fucking stairlift!
(Malcolm has organised positive press coverage of DoSAC's Healthy Lifestyles policy)
Glenn
Well done, Malcolm.
He's very impressive, isn't he? In the way that, you know, Chairman Mao was actually quite impressive.
Glenn
Well that's the thing about the evil, isn't it, their amazing work ethic.
(deleted scene)
(Reading stories about Malcolm in the newspapers)
Glenn
I forgot your political memory only goes back two issues of The Economist.
That's right, Glenn, you'll have to hold my hand through this complicated world: some of us weren't up the Acropolis the day that you and Roy Jenkins invented democracy.
Oh my God. Did you know that he'd been some kind of womaniser?
You wanna check the Sun, they've got a woman who claims he womanised her three times in a day at the gazebo at Chequers. Front, back, and in the gallery, as I understand it.
(At DoSAC, Glenn and Ollie can't get over Malcolm Tucker's resignation.)
Glenn
You know, I just can't quite believe this. I mean, this is the single most shocking thing I've seen in politics since the SDP. I thought he'd at least go out with a bang or a killing spree.
I always imagined he'd just shout so hard his lungs would come up and choke him to death.
(Steve is at DoSAC, trying to gently assure everyone that everything's alright.)
Um, lads and lasses! (He laughs) Please, just a quick word. Thank you. Really, it's just a hand-hold to set the tone for a slightly re-jigged regime. I've done all the important departments, and now I've got to you. (He laughs again) Seriously, I've done that joke everywhere, but, uh, even with the genuinely big departments. So I'm not -- (imitating gun fire) -- aiming at you in any sort of a snide way. I'm just checking that we're all at the very top of our games. (Steve then looks at Glenn, who's looking at his cell phone.) Glenn, mate?
Glenn
Sorry.
Are you on top of your game?
Glenn
I am -- I am above my game. I-I'm in a geo-stationary orbit, way above it, looking down and going, "Hello, game, it's Glenn!"
(laughing) Right! You know, there's an election looming. This is quite a serious time. We need to be aware of that. (Steve points in Glenn's direction, smiling) But I love humor, and that was good humor.
Yeah, you know, a bit of instability with Malcolm gone, a sort of sense of Post – you know, Psychotic Twats Disorder, but –
No no, listen, I understand, but you know, right now, you're all emerging from the cellar – pleased that the beatings have stopped - scared of what the future might hold, but long-term, I think we're all gonna be okay. Pep talk, over! Return to your desks, and prepare for government.
(smiling, but clearly annoyed) Well then, prepare to stay in government.
Oh right. How do we do that?
Glenn
We pack an overnight bag.
(apoplectic) Will you PLEASE, FUCKING WELL – (Steve immediately composes himself, and lets out a forced laugh) I'm sorry, I've lost my temper! Where is it? Where is it? Oh, no, I've found it again. It's alright.
Always in the last place you look, eh?
Uh, actually, can I have a word with you, Nicky, please?
(Steve wants to talk to Nicola in her office about the upcoming election...and he's standing a bit too close for her comfort.)
I just wanted to check. Obviously, Dan Miller's cabal is going house to house through the cabinet looking for numbskulls stupid enough to resign to trigger his elevation to the throne.
What I need to know is are you solid?
Yeah, I am completely -- I am solid as, as the proverbial. As-as a rock. As a rock-hard...as a sailor's wang on shore leave.
(very pleased) Superb. You really are the potty mouth, aren't you?
(chuckling) Well, a lot to do.
(After Steve leaves her office, Nicola calls out to Glenn & Ollie.)
Ollie, Glenn, in here now. Quick, quick, quick.
(Glenn approaches the office while taking off his glasses.)
Oh Glenn! Don't faff around with your glasses, I know you take them off every time you come in here. It's not impressive. (to Glenn and Ollie) What do we know about the anti-Tom cabal? Why have I not been contacted by them?
Glenn
Well, um, uh...
Because it would be you...uh, you're seen very much as an individual around the, uh...
(embarrassed) That's bollocks, isn't it? It's 'cause I'm the girl at the party nobody wants to dance with. I'm the freak in the corner with a pint of cider and blackcurrant and the funny eye.
No no. I-I mean, it's...You know, it a big, big Rolodex full of numbers. I'm sure...
(to both Glenn & Ollie) Thank you. You may go.
Glenn
(stammering) We st-We still would like to dance with you.
(to Glenn) Oh, fuck off. Go and put your glasses back on.
The Thick Of It · 395 quotes
