Malcolm Tucker quotes from The Thick Of It

Malcolm

(on his phone) No, Dan Miller is not positioning himself for the leadership. Well, for a start, you can't have a prime minister called Dan. People called Dan work in fucking fitness centres and listen to West Coast jazz.

Malcolm

(leaving his office) It's my birthday! (Offering someone a piece of cake) Cunt cake? Go ahead!

Malcolm

Is that trainers that she's wearing? (to Terri) Are you wearing fucking train– You're supposed to be a civil servant, not a fucking playgroup assistant!

Malcolm

Terri, I thought we had a deal, right? When I need your advice I'll give you the special signal, which is me being sectioned under the fucking Mental Health Act.

Malcolm

Ladies and Gentlemen, the dirty protest is now over; please mop up your shit and fuck off home.

Malcolm

Hello, Phillip Schofield, I fuck lobsters for money.

Malcolm

Oh?

Malcolm

She's going to have to fall on her sword, which means that we are gonna have to stick one in the ground, trip her up onto it and get somebody to jump up and down on her back for ten minutes.

Malcolm

Reshuffle: don’t send Ben to the back-benches, he’ll just wank and eat Pringles, leather seats are an invitation to men like him.

Malcolm

(on the phone) Sam, hi, listen, can you do me a favour? Buy some flowers for Nicola fucking Murray. Yeah, have them delivered to her home this evening with a card that says: "Sorry you had to go, but let's face it, you are a fucking waste of skin". Waste of skin, yeah.

Malcolm

(to a hospital receptionist) Morning. I'm looking for a Mr. Oliver Reeder. He looks a bit like a Quentin Blake illustration.

Malcolm

Right, come on, folks, gather round, grab your cheesy nachos and your fucking vuvuzelas: this is what we've all been waiting for, it's the Queen's fucking speech.

Malcolm

Come on, this is fucking history in the making, right, this is the ending of a chapter of a very thin book that nobody enjoyed reading.

Malcolm

Leaking is a fundamental component of our governmental system! If a government can't leak, do you know what happens? Dark shit builds up, and then – it bursts! And that's something you don't want to see! You think your appendix was bad?

Malcolm

When this inquiry lands, you'd better have developed a very flat, stony face with no expression. But that'll be easy for you: it's your fucking cum face, isn't it?

Malcolm

HEY! GET THE FUCK BACK HERE! (the taxi stops and they get in) Jesus Christ! Go! Go go go! (the taxi drives off) You fucking drive off like that again, and I'll stick your meter so far down your throat you'll be able to tell the price of your next shit.

Cliff Lawton

Malcolm, look, um – if you do this, it's the bollocks of the jungle out there, you know? They're like wolves. Pissed wolves.

Malcolm Tucker

I've made the announcement: I've told the Lobby you're going, Cliff.

Cliff

You've told the Lobby I'm going?

Malcolm

Yeah. Sorry Cliff.

Cliff

Minister.

Malcolm

Yeah, get used to Cliff. I've booked you in for the usual soapy tit-wank farewell at Number 10, in 20 minutes. Also drafted you a letter of resignation: gives you the chance to say that you're jumping before you're pushed, although obviously we're gonna be briefing that you were pushed, sorry.

Cliff

Um...Look, tell you what. You don't need to do all of this. What about Tom? Everybody knows he's fucking up Transport.

Malcolm

We can't sack Tom at Transport. We can't lose anyone at Transport, they're important.

Cliff

What? And Social Affairs isn't?

Malcolm

OK, the Department of Social for Commercial Affairs is very important, but it's not Transport. Transport's cars, buses, trucks.

Cliff

I KNOW WHAT TRANSPORT FUCKING ENTAILS!

Cliff

Look, look...Look. I'll look at it.

Cliff

Personal reasons.

Malcolm

Yeah. I thought that would give you adequate scope.

Cliff

Scope. What, like, um...shooting up in the Cabinet Office or something? Stuffing a cat up my arse and having a wank? What do you mean, scope?

Malcolm

You know, this could be a great deal worse. You have had a good innings. You have been here for 18 months. And you know, I have written some very nice things about you in the PM's reply to your resignation. Some very nice fucking things indeed. I had a lump in my throat. And you know why? Because no one who matters thinks any less of you over this -- so far. OK? [beat] Right. One more thing: the Daily Mail. David Topham has got it into his head that we are gonna sack you because of press pressure.

Cliff

I wonder why.

Malcolm

Look. You're in no position to dish out fucking sarcasm. That's over. You no longer have purchase in the sarcasm world. Get on the phone. Tell him you're jumping before you're pushed -- although we were gonna push you, but not because of press pressure, but because of your deeply held fucking personal issues, whatever they were.

Cliff

You want me to write my own obituary.

Malcolm

Get on the fucking phone. Do it now.