Zack quotes from The Suite Life of Zack & Cody

Zack

I wanna make fun of Cody before his date, and it's always nice to have backup.

Bob

Actually, I'm here because there is no date... Irma postponed it.

Zack

When?

Bob

When I say postponed, I mean dumped!

Zack

She dumped him? That'll crush him! We'll have to break it to him gently. [Cody walks in.] Hey, Cody! Welcome to the club!

Cody

What club?

Zack

The-Guys-Who-Aren't-Dating-Irma Club.

Bob

That's your idea of gentle?

Zack

Hey, I didn't kick him.

Cody

You're lying.

Bob

I got it directly from the source. Irma told Kim who told Phill who told Ashley who told Brenda who told Dylan who told Cole who told me... [breathes in for air] It's over.

Cody

But why? What happened?

Bob

She got back together with her camp boyfriend.

Cody

No! Not Joaquin! The one with the 12-speed bike and the puka shell necklace! This is horrible.

Zack

Ok, buddy, this was a tough break, but there are lots of fish in the sea.

Cody

[crying] I don't want a fish... I want I-i-irma!

Zack

Come on, with whiskers like those, she looks like a catfish!

Zack

Ooh! look at that cute girl over there. Ooh! and there she is again! One for each of us!

Cody

I already have a girl, my beautiful Irma.

Zack

Your beautiful Irma happens to have more hair on her upper lip than you do.

Zack

How about I show you one of Boston's most elegant restaurants? Ever had a 7-meat pizza?

Jessica

That sounds intriguing! ...Or disgusting...

Zack

It's both! So, how about it?

Jessica

Thanks! But... I don't go anywhere without my sister Janice.

Zack

No problem. I'll take my vitamins.

Jessica

I meant - could you bring your brother?

Zack

That's another way to go...

Zack

Dude! Look at you! The suite is clean but you're a mess! You need to get back out there. But you might wanna take off the apron first.

Cody

I told you I'm not ready.

Zack

I understand. Only time can mend a broken heart.

Cody

Thank you.

Zack

You've got five minutes. Because that's when Jessica and Janice are gonna be here for our date.

Cody

What part of "not going" don't you understand?

Zack

The "not" part. Dude, they're twins! Gorgeous twins! On vacation! What they do in Boston stays in Boston!

Zack

And then I get back and they're all crying into their pizza!

Carey

Well, honey, I'm sorry your date was ruined, but you got what you deserved.

Zack

Is there no shoulder for me to cry on?

Carey

You pushed you brother to go out before he was ready just so you could have fun. Honey, it's gonna be a long time before he's comfortable around girls.

Cody

[entering the suite with Jessica and Janice, all laughing] I had a wonderful time, ladies.

Jessica

Don't forget, see you tomorrow for breakfast.

Janice

Tea and scones! [they both kiss Cody's cheeks]

Cody

Pip, pip! Cheerio! Ta-ta! Peace out! [girls leave] Yes! Zack, I can't thank you enough. If you hadn't told me to get back out there, I'd be sitting here alone and so depressed! ♪Rule Britannia, Britannia rule the wave...♪

Zack

It's my motto: "Aim low and avoid disappointment."

Cody

I thought your motto was "Sleep and eat."

Zack

It's my other motto, and it's not as easy as it seems. Sometimes you eat too much and you can't sleep. Sometimes you sleep too much and miss a meal.

Cody

Boy, your life is a real delicate balance.

Zack

You have no idea!

Carey

What have I told you, Zack? "Neither a borrower nor a lender be."

Zack

Well, I'm halfway there. I never lend.

Carey

I spelled it p-o-l-i-t-i-c-k-s.

Zack

So you got it right.

Carey

You locked him in the hallway with no clothes.

Zack

But two weeks of no TV is cruel and unusual punishment.

Carey

Don't push it. And if you do it again, I'll ground you so long they'll write country music songs about it.

Carey

What is it with you? I tell you not to do something, you promise not to do it, and you do it anyways!

Zack

Life, it's all a learning experience.

Cody

[chiming in] And you learned nothing. [to Carey] I'd go with "no allowance".

Cody

I hate those rented shoes. Two hours in the shower and I can still feel the fungus between my toes!

Zack

Speaking of fungus, hand me that soda.

Cody

What does that have to do with fungus?

Zack

Nothing. I just want my danged soda!

Cody

Why can't you get your danged soda yourself?

Zack

Mr. Moseby wants me to ice my bowling arm.

Cody

Boy, you are milking this star player thing...

Zack

Speaking of milking things, I need you to do my current events homework. Mr. Moseby wants me to ... rest my ... golden arm...

Cody

Well, you better get the newspaper first, because you're doing your own stinking homework.

Zack

Fine, fine, fine. But if I pull a finger muscle, it's on your head.

Cody

Well, it's better than where it usually is, up your nose, digging for gold.

Zack

That's funny... [Zack opens the door to leave the suite] Hey, check it out! There's some loser in the hall in a towel!

Cody

No way! Who is it?

Zack

You! [Zack pushes Cody and closes the door]

Zack

Me and Cody were going to see Killer Koala.

Saw it. He was framed by the platypus.

Zack

Mr. Moseby, you think you could open the icecream bar a bit earlier today?

Absolutely not, there is no...

I could go for an ice cream.

Consider it open! Let me call our frozen confections engineer.

Zack

Thanks man, that was awesome!

Need anything else?

Cody

Yeah, a basketball that comes back up after it hits the ground.

Well, why won't you come back to my place. I've got dozens of basketballs and a regulation court.

Zack

You have a basketball court outside your house?

Inside, right next to the bowling alley. [to Moseby] Tell mom I'm taking the car.

Zack

You have a car?

Well, if you consider a stretched limo with a hot tub and a big screen tv a car then yeah...

Zack

Dude, where have you been all my life!

Cody

Hot tub - called it!

Cody

You thinking what I'm thinking?

Zack

Chihuahuas have freakishly huge ears. I mean, compared to their bodies, they're massive!

Cody

NO!

Carey

And just where do you two think you're going?

Cody

[to Zack] I don't get it. She didn't even turn around!

Zack

Ok. The eyes in the back of her head thing is really creepy!

Carey

Just so you know, my vision is twenty-twenty-twenty-twenty. You are not playing hockey without helmets and a whole bunch of pads, anything that looks like skin - go cover it.

Zack

Speaking of helmets and pads, if we wear them, could we go bungee jumping later?

Carey

Not even off your bed.

Cody

Bob's parents said he could go.

Carey

And if Bob's parents let him jump off the bridge, would you wanna do that too?

Zack

If we were attached to a bungee cord!

Carey

Not even if you were still attached to my umbilical cord.

Zack

Ok, ewww...

Cody

Why won't you let us have any fun?

Carey

It's my job. It's the first thing they teach you in mom's school. I discipline because I care.

Zack

Well, couldn't you care less? We're not kids you know!

Cody

Yeah, can't you treat us like adults?

Carey

As soon as I don't have to buy my own Mother's Day cards.

Cody

Fine, we'll read.

Zack

Careful Cody, you better put your helmet on. Those are hard cover books.

Cody

Is this safe enough for you mom? Ow! paper cut! Mommy, kiss it!