The Sopranos quotes

Ralph Cifaretto

(on phone) Mrs. Marianucci Gaultieri?

Ralph Cifaretto

Hi, this is Detective Mike Hunt, Beaver Falls, Pennsylvania police department. You have a son Peter Paul?

Oh, my God! What happened?

Ralph Cifaretto

He's alright, ma'am, but I'm afraid he's in a little trouble. We found him in a public men's room in Lafayette Park. I don't know how to put this delicately...he was sucking a cub scout's dick.

What? No, it's a mistake.

Ralph Cifaretto

Ma'am, I wish that was all, uh, but I'm afraid we had to have emergency surgery performed upon arrival at headquarters, after discovery of a small rodent in the rectal passage.

OH, MY GOD!

Ralph Cifaretto

A gerbil, ma'am. Uh, the county does not cover medical procedures deemed caused by criminal sexual activity. Section four, paragraph fifteen. We'll need an insurance number.

Oh, Madonn'! I have Blue Cross, Blue Shield. Is that all right?

Ralph Cifaretto

Ma...Ma'am, c-could you hold on for one second, I have the hospital on the other line. (Ralph hangs up and laughs)

Tony Soprano

Jesus Christ, you did it. You cooked that fuckin' horse alive.

Ralph Cifaretto

No, I did NOT! But so what?!

Tony Soprano

SO WHAT?!

Ralph Cifaretto

It was a FUCKIN' animal! A hundred grand a piece! My kid's in the fuckin' hospital! I don't hear you complainin' when I bring you a nice fat envelope. You don't give a shit where that comes from! [off his glare] Don't give me that look. It was a fuckin' horse! What are you, a vegetarian? You eat beef and sausage by the fuckin' cartload-

Ralph Cifaretto

Hadda be Paulie told Johnny...

Eugene Pontecorvo

You think so?

Ralph Cifaretto

He hates my success...thinkin' about that birthday dinner...who was there when I told the Ginny Sack joke?

Vito Spatafore

Not Paulie. I remember Albert sayin' he didn't get a gift.

Ralph Cifaretto

It was little Paulie, the witless fuckin' nephew. He told Paulie, Paulie tells Johnny. Fuckin' telephone game like high-school girls! Wanna play phone games? That party was the only time I ever mentioned Shamu's fat ass.

Christopher Moltisanti

(shocked at Ralph's wig) Ahhh! Holy shit! I had no idea. Did you?

Tony Soprano

'Course I did. You're so high on scag, you wouldn't know if he had your mother's muff on his head.

Christopher Moltisanti

(about Ralph) That poor fuckin' guy...

Paulie Walnuts

Fuck him and his alligator tears.

Tony Soprano

Paulie, his kid's in the hospital. A little fuckin' sympathy, huh?

Paulie Walnuts

That gives him a pass? I don't care if he's got a hundred kids in the ICU with arrows in their heads...he's a piece o' shit. You know it, and I know it.

Christopher Moltisanti

I'm sorry T-

Tony Soprano

Shut the fuck up and listen ta me. You're my nephew Christopher and I love you, and that's the only reason you're alive right now. If it were anybody else, anybody, they woulda had their fuckin' intervention right through the back o' their head.

Uncle Junior

Me with the competency hearings, you with the head shrinkers, this one in rehab now.

Whaddya want around here?

Christopher Moltisanti

Can you do an eighth of scag?

Five hundred.

Christopher Moltisanti

Alright, wrap it up.

(pulls his gun out) The fuck out the car bitch!

Christopher Moltisanti

Motherfucka! You know who I am?

Who the fuck is this?

Christopher Moltisanti

Do you know who the fuck I'm with?

You ain't no fuckin' cop, that's fer sure.

Ha ha. (One thug pulls Chris's gun away from him and another thug jacks Chris's car)

Fuck you gonna do with that bitch?

Christopher Moltisanti

Stick it up your mother's twat!

Adriana La Cerva

Where's the dog? Oh my God. Cosette?

Christopher Moltisanti

What?

Adriana La Cerva

Christopher, she's not breathing...her neck feels broken.

Christopher Moltisanti

The fuck?

Adriana La Cerva

Oh my God! She's dead.

Christopher Moltisanti

I fell asleep.

Adriana La Cerva

What?

Christopher Moltisanti

She musta crawled under there fer warmth.

Adriana La Cerva

Are you fuckin' crazy? You fuckin' killed her.

Christopher Moltisanti

I didn't kill her. I musta sat on her.

Adriana La Cerva

Oh Jesus, Oh my poor baby.

Christopher Moltisanti

I'm sorry, it was an accident fer chrissake. How long I've been sayin' she shouldn't be on the furniture.

Adriana La Cerva

It's 'cuz you were fuckin' high Christopher. You and your fuckin' smack fuck lifestyle.

Christopher Moltisanti

I'll get you another dog.

Adriana La Cerva

I don't want another dog.

Bobby Baccilieri

Got home tonight, kids were kind o' quiet. Then bedtime, all hell broke loose, cryin', wouldn't be left alone! Sophia especially. They've been playin' with that goddamn Ouija board again.

Janice Soprano

Oh no.

Bobby Baccilieri

They've been tryin' to contact Karen. What?

Janice Soprano

I don't know what to say Bobby. I came over this afternoon with some pound cake.

Bobby Baccilieri

I saw it.

Janice Soprano

I heard them in his room with that Ouija board...I thought...this is not good. But then after the other night, I didn't wanna overstep my bounds.

Bobby Baccilieri

It's my fault.

Janice Soprano

Hey, you're under a lot of stress. You're a single dad.

Bobby Baccilieri

No, you were right...it's bad for them, it's unwholesome.

Janice Soprano

You want me to go up?

Bobby Baccilieri

I think they're asleep. Finally. I had to read to Sophia for like, an hour. She couldn't even handle a "Nancy Drew." It was too mysterious.

Carmela Soprano

You know how much little Bobby likes you.

What am I, daycare?

Janice Soprano

You went to the cemetery today, didn't you?

Bobby Baccilieri

How do you know?

Janice Soprano

'Cuz you got cemetery mud on your shoes.

Bobby Baccilieri

Mud? What are you, Marge Higenbrinder now? What do you know about the mud? You been spyin' on me? What, I can't go to the cemetery? I gotta get permission from you?

Tony Soprano

The old guys were different. Men in the front. Wives in the back.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi

You like that arrangement.

Tony Soprano

Actually, I think the wives should ride in a little cart, behind the car...like in the cartoons. Like behind Noah's ark, there's a little boat with the skunks.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi

So wives are skunks?

Tony Soprano

Ah, Jesus fuckin' Christ! It's a fuckin' joke. Does it have to be like a cancer hospital in here?

Dr. Jennifer Melfi

But Carmela is in control in the dream...

Tony Soprano

Why, cuz she's drivin'?

Tony Soprano

Jesus Christ! The money I've been droppin' in here, I could've bought a fuckin' Ferrari. At least I would've got a blowjob outta that.

I've been driving since I was a young girl.

Paulie Walnuts

Horse and buggies don't count.