Did you get any nice presents?
Oh… well…
I got her some potpourri.
Mm.
Lovely! What scent?
Oh, it doesn't smell.
[Shakes her head, smiling]
So… just some dead leaves in a bowl?
Yep.
[Nods her head, still smiling enthusiastically]
S1 E8Happy Birthday
Do you know who's never really caught my eye before? Robin. And I don't know why really, I mean, he is…
Male.
Yeah…
Aww, Lils, this party is…
Rubbish. I know. No music! Bloody Sharon sucking the life out of the place.. I've had more fun at a wake!
Yeah, Tess Pownell's husband's was banging. Every track they played I was like, "tune!"
Mm. I think she regrets the disco now. She was in shock.. She freely admits the bouncy castle was misjudged.
No way, best bit!
Honestly Lois, my little boy will be up to your waist!
D'you wanna make something of it?
[Frightened] No.
I can't help being small, like I don't suppose you can help being boring, but you don't have to insult me!
[Lois continues ranting in the background as other conversations are shown]
I've had this all my life: "Oi, diddy woman, why aren't you at the circus?" I'm a secretary, and what do they expect me to do, sit on a trapeze and TYPE!?
[Cowering up against the wall] Don't know.
[…]
YYvonne
[Marching into the room clapping to get everyone's attention] Ok, so.
[to Heidi] So if you ever mention my size again, I'll knock your TWO FRIGGING EYES INTO ONE!
YYvonne
LOIS! Thank you.
S2 E1Bzzz
[high on glue] Aren't hands strange? They're like feet, only on your arms!
Um?
Best be getting back, I suppose.
Sort Ranjit out?
Nah. I don't know what it is, but I don't seem to give a toss about that now. I might even ask if he fancies a pint tonight. Good old Ranjit! Mm… [walks to the wrong corner of the room] Oh shit, where's the fucking door?
[whistles, pointing to the door] This way, Len.
Oh, right, yeah. [singing] Do you know the way to– [opens door, turns back to Clint] Where the fuck is it? Mm… [leaves]
Um… is that normal behaviour?
Halfy-half. He doesn't normally sniff glue.
There isn't normally glue here to sniff.
[Janet enters the room, perks up when she sees Dominic]
JJaney
Minicky Monicky!
Auntie Jantie!
[Waves bizarrely] Hello Pelopa!
[Waves back] Hello Peleepee!
Are we suddenly in Hawaii?
Annie' You two seem very friendly.
She's my auntie.
Oh?
I know I don't look old enough.
D'you not think?
No… there's quite a gap between Minicky's mum and me. I was a late baby.
A mistake.
No! Honestly, what a horrid thing to say! I mean, really, just vile!
Yeah, don't go overboard, love.
Well, it is. Really horrible. I won't take it from my mother, I certainly won't take it from you!
They teach us in boxercise you can hurt your opponent much more mentally than with a well-aimed slap. Y'know, psyche 'em out and their confidence goes.
How do you psyche out a bee?
You just follow 'em around going, "your honey tastes like shit, mate", "you're crap buzzer", "black, yellow stripes? Don't go." Soon get depressed and fly off.
[to Dominic] You better not be writing summink about me in there.
Sorry?
I stand up, you start with your scribbling? [points at Robin] He might have agreed to be studied, but I'm not that desperate for attention– oi, look at me when I'm talking to you!
I wasn't writing anything. I– I was just… drawing some apples playing football. [shows her the drawing]
Is that some sort of code?
Nope. Cabin fever's set in.
Yeah, well, last bloke who slagged me off had his tyres slashed. [beat] Oh, I didn't do it! It was just a coincidence. [leaves]
[Robin lights yet another cigarette]
You're not gonna have another one?
No, fine! Let's go back to my office. You can watch me stare at the walls for a while, or maybe I'll pick up… the… uh… metal thing… the click-click… staples…
Stapler.
Stapler, and put it next to the… uh… there's another metal thing on my desk, the… it's got a slightly curved, uh… I'll put the stapler next to that, shall I? What larks we'll have! Well, come on!
You know? I would say your relentless sarcasm is an obvious attempt to put people at a distance, due to an almost crippling sense of inadequacy. I would say that your barbed, defensive humour is prompted by a fear of intimacy because there's something you're trying to hide, an aspect of yourself you're desperate to supress because you hate it so. You hate yourself. [pause as everyone looks shocked] I would say all that, if I weren't simply a passive observer.
I had an imaginary friend.
Just the one?
Mm. I would have liked another one, but… I lacked the imagination…
S2 E2No Place Like Home
Snowball fight now! The victor gets free ciggies all day tomorrow, or just buy me some baccy. Sal?
Save yourself the embarrassment, Clint, I'd murder you.
Word. Rob?
I've barely got the energy to lift my ciggie, nevermind lob snowballs.
[Turning to Sharon] I don't suppose...
Are you asking me to come out for a snowball fight?
Yeah... Yeah, I suppose I am.
Well thank you. Thank you so much for seeing a person sitting here and not just some distant authority figure. Prehaps my message is finally getting through. I may be the boss, but-.. No. I am definitely the boss, but I am still a co-worker. Of course I don't actually want to throw snowballs, it's puerile behaviour.
I'm essentially a pacifist. I only take up arms to defend a principle.
Hmph. Don't we know it? Poor Ben's still ruing the day he slagged off Robot Wars!
Yeah, I just saw red!
Oh I saw a film once where they were all snowed in. 'Snowed In' it was called. And eventually they all had to eat each other! Imagine that. Human flesh.
I wouldn't mind a wee taste.
Well, I suppose if your life depended on it...
Oh, if my life depended on it I'd tuck in with no qualms!
Aww, I should be singing Dane his lullaby now. Sending him off.. [Sings] Sleepy, sleep deep. Make not a peep. If baby should cry, he'll probably die. So lie still in bed, all snuggled not dead.
S2 E7Last Night a Graphic Designer Saved My Life
I'm amazed you're so calm Barry.
What? Oh, I'm fine with real problems, It's just imaginary ones that bother me. I'm a bit concerned that a hijacked van might plough through that window, and explode.
S2 E8Significant Others
[talking about Janet's engagement] You need to ask yourself some serious questions, Jan. Is it real love? Is it real passion? Or are you just terrified of ending up alone?
I think so. Does it matter. And of course I am.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Smoking Room pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.