The Muppets quotes

God bless America and its magnificent Broadcasting Company!

Uh Fellas was i in Muppet Treasure Island?

When Piggy starts interviewing the guest, that is your cue to stop playing.

Dr. Teeth

Ahhhhhhhh, did not know that!

Uh, Bobo?

Bobo the Bear

Yes, sir?

Listen, next time we do a sketch where Piggy flies across the stage, I think we should choose a wire that actually supports her weight.

Bobo the Bear

Oh. Should've worked. It was a cable from a wrecking ball...

And one more thing, everybody. Uh, the crew that's shooting our behind-the-scenes documentary has asked us to be more available for those one-on-one interviews. Is that okay with everybody?

One-on-one interviews? What an over-used device. You tell the camera how you really feel, and then they cut back to you saying something completely different. I hate these interviews.

I love those interviews. Great device!

Fozzie Bear

I'm Fozzie Bear, and it's my job to warm up the audience with jokes.  Ah!

[in the audience, to Waldorf] Oh, God, we're gonna die of hypothermia.

I'm not happy with the janitor knowing what I throw away. Can you have someone put a layer of generic trash over my private trash?

My life is a bacon-wrapped Hell on Earth.

Can't say "Hell."

Fozzie Bear

  [to Becky's mother, Holly]  This salmon is just terrific!

  He likes the salmon—what a "surprise."

  Alright, I'm just gonna be blunt:  What if you had children—how would you raise them?  Where would they go to the bathroom—in the woods?

Fozzie Bear

  [angered]  Okay, that is an offensive stereotype!

Janice

  Did you know the original name of the band was Imagine Dragons?

Floyd Pepper

  That is their name.

Janice

  I know, they kept it.

Floyd Pepper

  I'm not signing.  Birthdays are just a bogus holiday created by greeting card companies!

Fozzie

Hey, guys! You're not gonna believe this... I just got an e-vite to a party at Jay Leno's house!

Oh, I get those spam emails all the time. You know, from my "mother," who is "stuck over seas," "needs money"... you just delete them.

But, Gonzo, isn't your mother on a South American cruise?

Yeah, and I'm a little worried; I haven't heard from her in a while.

  [to the camera]  We've created a color-coded alert system to track Piggy's moods.  Green: she's calm.  But we've never been at green. Yellow: she's in tears. Orange: I'M in tears. And with a "Code Red", if she locks eyes with you, it's already too late.

WHO REPLACED MY THICK SHARPIES WITH FINE-TIPPED SHARPIES?! I'M SIGNING AUTOGRAPHS, NOT WRITING THE BIBLE ON A GRAIN OF RICE!

I have a feeling this isn't about pen thickness.

Uncle Deadly

I was fitting Piggy for a new dress...

Oh, no, no, you forgot to cut out the tag? She knows her size?!

Uncle Deadly

Oh, please. I've woven such a cocoon of lies, she doesn't know what size, weight, or how old she is.

LOOK AT THIS NONSENSE! PENCILS, HIGHLIGHTERS, A BACKSCRATCHER?! IF YOU'RE ITCHY, TAKE CARE OF IT AT HOME!

What is going on?

Scooter

The Peoples' Choice Awards are coming up, and she doesn't have a date.

Uncle Deadly

Shocking. She seems like such pleasant company.

  HOW DARE YOU TRY TO CALM ME DOWN WITH CAKE! [pause] GIVE ME THAT CAKE!

Wait here. [peeks out] Clear.

Scooter

Whoa.

I tried to offer her a ballpoint. [faints]

Uncle Deadly

You've got to find that pig a date.

Bobo the Bear

Hey guys, hey guys, it's that time of year again! I'm selling cookies for my daughter's troop so she can win a mountain bike.

Uncle Deadly

We are only interested if you have a box of dreamy dates.

Bobo the Bear

Ooh, well, the Fudge-Alongs have raisins. I mean, they're not dates, but they are also a sun-dried fruit.