Gonzo quotes from The Muppets

  Oh, what about a scale?  That would be thoughtful.  Girls are always asking if they look fat; with a scale, they can know for sure.

  Well, what about a bag of socks?  They're cheap, and if she hates 'em and throws 'em at you, it's not gonna hurt—like that scale did.

  No, no.  My nose is the only bone in my body I haven't broken; that's why it looks so good.

And one more thing, everybody. Uh, the crew that's shooting our behind-the-scenes documentary has asked us to be more available for those one-on-one interviews. Is that okay with everybody?

One-on-one interviews? What an over-used device. You tell the camera how you really feel, and then they cut back to you saying something completely different. I hate these interviews.

I love those interviews. Great device!

Fozzie

Hey, guys! You're not gonna believe this... I just got an e-vite to a party at Jay Leno's house!

Oh, I get those spam emails all the time. You know, from my "mother," who is "stuck over seas," "needs money"... you just delete them.

But, Gonzo, isn't your mother on a South American cruise?

Yeah, and I'm a little worried; I haven't heard from her in a while.

  She hates surprises! Did you know about this?

  Christina Applegate brought in a hilarious clip of Piggy.  I knew you wouldn't approve it, so I went over your head.

  [scoffs]  I'm the boss.

  Oh, that's right—so I went behind your back.

Look, she's just a girl I met online. It's no big deal.

Hey, that contradicts a previous e-mail where you described her as a healing ray of sunshine on your wounded soul.

Woo-hoo!

Busted!

Will you STOP READING MY STUFF?!

Hey, hey, hey, don't yell at the guy, he's trying to fix your computer!

  So, Kermit, we got a great sketch for Patrick Dempsey.

  Oh, no, Dempsey's out.  We're going with a big block of butter.

  Okay, we'll just tweak it.  Piggy's having a dream where she's making out with a big block of butter.

  Hmm?

  Huh, it's actually funnier.

  Yeah.

Pepe the King Prawn

  And more realistic.

  What is the oldest saying in Hollywood?

Scooter

  Uh…"This is where we should put Hollywood"?

  No, "The show must go on."

Scooter

  Well, why would you say that before Hollywood exists?

  You know what my dream is, Gonzo?  That my friends know they can tell me anything and I'll never judge 'em.

  Wow, Kermit.  That is a very boring dream.