Scooter quotes from The Muppets

Scooter

  [to the camera]  I can't let Kermit down, he's my father—uh, uh, uh mentor!  Mentor!  [to himself]  "Mentor," "mentor," "mentor."

Scooter

  "Hang in there."  What do you know about real problems?  You're a kitten who's a model!

Scooter

  Cheese and crackers, I am a dork.

Scooter

  [describing Chelsea Handler to Chelsea Handler]  Beautiful and wise, just like my mmm—[clears throat]—you.

Scooter

  [on a date]  So, Chelsea, you strike me as someone who grew up in Livingston, New Jersey, and is the youngest of six children.

Scooter

  Any chance we could push the Christmas show to Spring?

Scooter

NOOOOOOOO! You've made me the first person in the world to lie on Twitter!

Scooter

Why is Piggy talking like my aunt who lives in a pay-by-the-hour motel?!

WHO REPLACED MY THICK SHARPIES WITH FINE-TIPPED SHARPIES?! I'M SIGNING AUTOGRAPHS, NOT WRITING THE BIBLE ON A GRAIN OF RICE!

I have a feeling this isn't about pen thickness.

Uncle Deadly

I was fitting Piggy for a new dress...

Oh, no, no, you forgot to cut out the tag? She knows her size?!

Uncle Deadly

Oh, please. I've woven such a cocoon of lies, she doesn't know what size, weight, or how old she is.

LOOK AT THIS NONSENSE! PENCILS, HIGHLIGHTERS, A BACKSCRATCHER?! IF YOU'RE ITCHY, TAKE CARE OF IT AT HOME!

What is going on?

Scooter

The Peoples' Choice Awards are coming up, and she doesn't have a date.

Uncle Deadly

Shocking. She seems like such pleasant company.

  HOW DARE YOU TRY TO CALM ME DOWN WITH CAKE! [pause] GIVE ME THAT CAKE!

Wait here. [peeks out] Clear.

Scooter

Whoa.

I tried to offer her a ballpoint. [faints]

Uncle Deadly

You've got to find that pig a date.

Scooter

Piggy's been so great, I've been skipping my pre-show cry!

YOU pre-show cry? ANIMAL pre-show cry!

Scooter

  Well, uh…have you checked with the band?  Uh, I bet they'd, uh, be happy to buy your cookies.

Bobo the Bear

  Hey, hey, hey, hey, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah—those guys are always happy.

Scooter

  Yeah.  Legally, now.

More boxes! More boxes!

Bobo

More boxes? Screw the mountain bike, my daughter's gettin' a Prius! [chuckles]

Scooter

You're gonna start with orange?

What's wrong with orange?

Scooter

  Nothing, uh, orange is great if you're painting a, um…a, um…a, um…an orange.

Scooter

So you went to the zoo on your first date?

Uh, no, it's a coffee shop.

Scooter

Oh. Uh, why is there a hippo?

That's a table.

Scooter

Oh, it was a safari-themed coffee shop! Got it. I guess that explains the giraffe.

[looks at plate That's Denise!

Scooter

Why is her neck so long?

Scooter, necks are HARD! I... [sighs] Whoopsie Bin?

Scooter

[takes plate] Yep.

Scooter

I have so many people to thank, um, starting with Great-Grammy Zuzka and her eleven sisters... Katrinka, Madlenka...

All right, Scooter, that's enough. I got to go. [leaves]

Scooter

And Patoonki! She made good soup...

  What is the oldest saying in Hollywood?

Scooter

  Uh…"This is where we should put Hollywood"?

  No, "The show must go on."

Scooter

  Well, why would you say that before Hollywood exists?