Fozzie Bear quotes from The Muppets

Fozzie Bear

Every forest ranger will tell you the same thing. Most bear attacks do NOT happen because of hunger. They happen because some bear had his feelings hurt.

Fozzie Bear

  [yelling up after having fallen down an elevator shaft]  I think something's wrong with the elevator.

Fozzie Bear

I'm Fozzie Bear, and it's my job to warm up the audience with jokes.  Ah!

[in the audience, to Waldorf] Oh, God, we're gonna die of hypothermia.

Fozzie Bear

  [to Becky's mother, Holly]  This salmon is just terrific!

  He likes the salmon—what a "surprise."

  Alright, I'm just gonna be blunt:  What if you had children—how would you raise them?  Where would they go to the bathroom—in the woods?

Fozzie Bear

  [angered]  Okay, that is an offensive stereotype!

Fozzie

Hey, guys! You're not gonna believe this... I just got an e-vite to a party at Jay Leno's house!

Oh, I get those spam emails all the time. You know, from my "mother," who is "stuck over seas," "needs money"... you just delete them.

But, Gonzo, isn't your mother on a South American cruise?

Yeah, and I'm a little worried; I haven't heard from her in a while.

Fozzie Bear

Jay Leno's candy dish... Oh, if this candy dish could talk...

Pepe the King Prawn

Yeah, you would have a talking candy dish, and maybe that would have been impressive, okay.

You're not worried about getting caught? Those rich people have security cameras everywhere!

Fozzie Bear

Yeah, but he wouldn't care about a BOWL. I mean, he probably put it out so I would take it! What about THAT theory, huh? Huh? Huh? Huh?

[to Kermit] Did you have something to do with this?

What makes you think that?

Fozzie Bear

And it's all thanks to the encouragement of my dear friend!

He's got lots of friends.

Fozzie Bear

Kermit the Frog!

  Kermits, like, the third most common frog name in America.

You're a good comedian, but you're not a writer.

Fozzie Bear

So you LIED to me?

I didn't want to hurt your feelings... So please just turn around and come back, okay?

Fozzie Bear

  No, no, because I am a writer.  You don't have to believe in me; I believe in me!  Oh, you see, that-that's good dialogue right there.

  Uh, honestly, it's a little contrived. Where are you going, anyway?

Fozzie Bear

Nope, I'm off the grid! And you'll never find me!

Turn right at Big Bear Road. In 0.2 miles, your destination is on the left.

Fozzie Bear

That lady's lying! Good-bye! [tries to hang up phone]

Yeah, I'm still here.

Fozzie Bear

Oh yeah? Well, good-bye! [tries to hang up phone again]

Still here.

Fozzie Bear

I don't know how to hang this thing up when it's on the map. This always happens.

Okay, hit the home button, then the phone icon and then the red button.

Fozzie Bear

Okay, home button, phone icon, red button, aaaaaaaaaand... We're at Angry Birds. [sighs]

(to the camera) It's been 30 minutes.

Fozzie Bear

Can I get $7.00 on pump 3, please?

Fozzie Bear

  You ever been shot with a tranquilizer dart, Kermit?

  Well, no, but I did lick my third cousin once and the walls started melting, so I feel ya, bro.

Fozzie Bear

  [after being heckled by Statler]  Hey, this is where I make the jokes.

  We're ready when you are.

Fozzie Bear

  You know, it's so hot in Phoenix that—[pauses; melancholily]  Aw, who cares?  We're all just hanging by a thread.  Tomorrow's promised to no one.  Enjoy the show.

  Bravo!

  Who succeeded President William McKinley after he was assassinated in 1901?  Hint: it wasn't a dog; canine-Americans still can't hold public office.

Fozzie Bear

  Guys, it's a trick question:  McKinley's a mountain, not a president, but Mount Rushmore is four presidents; ergo, the answer is President Rushmore!

Fozzie Bear

  You are like the Internet.

  Oh, thank you.