Kermit the Frog quotes from The Muppets

  [to the camera]  We've created a color-coded alert system to track Piggy's moods.  Green: she's calm.  But we've never been at green. Yellow: she's in tears. Orange: I'M in tears. And with a "Code Red", if she locks eyes with you, it's already too late.

Now, I'm not saying that I solved everything because Josh took Piggy to the Peoples' Choice Awards... But if they ever build an Executive Producers' Hall of Fame, I think you'll be entering through the Kermit the Frog Pavilion. I mean, since they've been going out, I've been waking out to the sound of my alarm instead of my own screams! Do you know what that means? For the first time ever, we're at a Code Green! YAAAAAAY!

[driving around in a golf cart] Sometimes, when I'm really frustrated and need to clear my head, I just get into my golf cart and floor it around the lot. Speed limit's five miles per hour, but I'll go six or seven, I don't care.

  [to the camera]  So, big guest tonight on Up Late: we have Reese Witherspoon for the first time, but, uh, honestly, I'm a little nervous.  Y'know, but, nerves are good; they keep you sharp.  My cousin, Albert, used to tease me about it, then a hawk carried him off, which, uh, simultaneously proved my point and ruined our camping trip.

  [to Miss Piggy]   What took you so long!?  I ate so much sushi, they named a roll after me.  It was eel and cream cheese, it's awful!

  [looking at a bottle of Piggy Water™]  "Thirty grammes of fat"?  It's water.

When Piggy starts interviewing the guest, that is your cue to stop playing.

Dr. Teeth

Ahhhhhhhh, did not know that!

Uh, Bobo?

Bobo the Bear

Yes, sir?

Listen, next time we do a sketch where Piggy flies across the stage, I think we should choose a wire that actually supports her weight.

Bobo the Bear

Oh. Should've worked. It was a cable from a wrecking ball...

And one more thing, everybody. Uh, the crew that's shooting our behind-the-scenes documentary has asked us to be more available for those one-on-one interviews. Is that okay with everybody?

One-on-one interviews? What an over-used device. You tell the camera how you really feel, and then they cut back to you saying something completely different. I hate these interviews.

I love those interviews. Great device!

My life is a bacon-wrapped Hell on Earth.

Can't say "Hell."

Fozzie

Hey, guys! You're not gonna believe this... I just got an e-vite to a party at Jay Leno's house!

Oh, I get those spam emails all the time. You know, from my "mother," who is "stuck over seas," "needs money"... you just delete them.

But, Gonzo, isn't your mother on a South American cruise?

Yeah, and I'm a little worried; I haven't heard from her in a while.

WHO REPLACED MY THICK SHARPIES WITH FINE-TIPPED SHARPIES?! I'M SIGNING AUTOGRAPHS, NOT WRITING THE BIBLE ON A GRAIN OF RICE!

I have a feeling this isn't about pen thickness.

Uncle Deadly

I was fitting Piggy for a new dress...

Oh, no, no, you forgot to cut out the tag? She knows her size?!

Uncle Deadly

Oh, please. I've woven such a cocoon of lies, she doesn't know what size, weight, or how old she is.

LOOK AT THIS NONSENSE! PENCILS, HIGHLIGHTERS, A BACKSCRATCHER?! IF YOU'RE ITCHY, TAKE CARE OF IT AT HOME!

What is going on?

Scooter

The Peoples' Choice Awards are coming up, and she doesn't have a date.

Uncle Deadly

Shocking. She seems like such pleasant company.

  HOW DARE YOU TRY TO CALM ME DOWN WITH CAKE! [pause] GIVE ME THAT CAKE!

Wait here. [peeks out] Clear.

Scooter

Whoa.

I tried to offer her a ballpoint. [faints]

Uncle Deadly

You've got to find that pig a date.

  She hates surprises! Did you know about this?

  Christina Applegate brought in a hilarious clip of Piggy.  I knew you wouldn't approve it, so I went over your head.

  [scoffs]  I'm the boss.

  Oh, that's right—so I went behind your back.

[to Kermit] Did you have something to do with this?

What makes you think that?

Fozzie Bear

And it's all thanks to the encouragement of my dear friend!

He's got lots of friends.

Fozzie Bear

Kermit the Frog!

  Kermits, like, the third most common frog name in America.

You're a good comedian, but you're not a writer.

Fozzie Bear

So you LIED to me?

I didn't want to hurt your feelings... So please just turn around and come back, okay?

Fozzie Bear

  No, no, because I am a writer.  You don't have to believe in me; I believe in me!  Oh, you see, that-that's good dialogue right there.

  Uh, honestly, it's a little contrived. Where are you going, anyway?

Fozzie Bear

Nope, I'm off the grid! And you'll never find me!

Turn right at Big Bear Road. In 0.2 miles, your destination is on the left.

Fozzie Bear

That lady's lying! Good-bye! [tries to hang up phone]

Yeah, I'm still here.

Fozzie Bear

Oh yeah? Well, good-bye! [tries to hang up phone again]

Still here.

Fozzie Bear

I don't know how to hang this thing up when it's on the map. This always happens.

Okay, hit the home button, then the phone icon and then the red button.

Fozzie Bear

Okay, home button, phone icon, red button, aaaaaaaaaand... We're at Angry Birds. [sighs]

(to the camera) It's been 30 minutes.

Fozzie Bear

Can I get $7.00 on pump 3, please?