Uncle Deadly quotes from The Muppets

Uncle Deadly

  Can: open.  Worms: everywhere.

WHO REPLACED MY THICK SHARPIES WITH FINE-TIPPED SHARPIES?! I'M SIGNING AUTOGRAPHS, NOT WRITING THE BIBLE ON A GRAIN OF RICE!

I have a feeling this isn't about pen thickness.

Uncle Deadly

I was fitting Piggy for a new dress...

Oh, no, no, you forgot to cut out the tag? She knows her size?!

Uncle Deadly

Oh, please. I've woven such a cocoon of lies, she doesn't know what size, weight, or how old she is.

LOOK AT THIS NONSENSE! PENCILS, HIGHLIGHTERS, A BACKSCRATCHER?! IF YOU'RE ITCHY, TAKE CARE OF IT AT HOME!

What is going on?

Scooter

The Peoples' Choice Awards are coming up, and she doesn't have a date.

Uncle Deadly

Shocking. She seems like such pleasant company.

  HOW DARE YOU TRY TO CALM ME DOWN WITH CAKE! [pause] GIVE ME THAT CAKE!

Wait here. [peeks out] Clear.

Scooter

Whoa.

I tried to offer her a ballpoint. [faints]

Uncle Deadly

You've got to find that pig a date.

Bobo the Bear

Hey guys, hey guys, it's that time of year again! I'm selling cookies for my daughter's troop so she can win a mountain bike.

Uncle Deadly

We are only interested if you have a box of dreamy dates.

Bobo the Bear

Ooh, well, the Fudge-Alongs have raisins. I mean, they're not dates, but they are also a sun-dried fruit.

You're not doing your show tonight. I have to operate on that leg, and you can't wear makeup during surgery.

Surgery?

No show?

Uncle Deadly

No MAKEUP? Could we get a second opinion?

Uncle Deadly

All right, where is the frog? I'm dealing with Restless Pig Syndrome.

Pepe the King Prawn

Well, tell Piggy to hold her horses, okay? Kermit is working on something very big to show how much he loves her.

Uncle Deadly

Ooh! [leaves]

But, Pepe...

Pepe the King Prawn

But, LOVE.

But, Pepe...

Pepe the King Prawn

I SAID "BUT LOVE"! [sprays her with perfume and leaves]