Miss Piggy quotes from The Muppets

I'm not happy with the janitor knowing what I throw away. Can you have someone put a layer of generic trash over my private trash?

  Do these diamonds make me look relatable?

  I lost a lot of money on the shower gel.  Still a mystery to me why nobody bought Hogwash™.

  I was upset, so I had a little brie.  And a little havarti.  And…some cheddar; maybe a bit of camembert—  Anyway…

WHO REPLACED MY THICK SHARPIES WITH FINE-TIPPED SHARPIES?! I'M SIGNING AUTOGRAPHS, NOT WRITING THE BIBLE ON A GRAIN OF RICE!

I have a feeling this isn't about pen thickness.

Uncle Deadly

I was fitting Piggy for a new dress...

Oh, no, no, you forgot to cut out the tag? She knows her size?!

Uncle Deadly

Oh, please. I've woven such a cocoon of lies, she doesn't know what size, weight, or how old she is.

LOOK AT THIS NONSENSE! PENCILS, HIGHLIGHTERS, A BACKSCRATCHER?! IF YOU'RE ITCHY, TAKE CARE OF IT AT HOME!

What is going on?

Scooter

The Peoples' Choice Awards are coming up, and she doesn't have a date.

Uncle Deadly

Shocking. She seems like such pleasant company.

  HOW DARE YOU TRY TO CALM ME DOWN WITH CAKE! [pause] GIVE ME THAT CAKE!

Wait here. [peeks out] Clear.

Scooter

Whoa.

I tried to offer her a ballpoint. [faints]

Uncle Deadly

You've got to find that pig a date.

  Does it make you angry that libraries are giving away your book for free?  You make nothing while libraries make millions?

  I don't…think that's right.

  I totally agree.  Libraries have had it too good for too long!

  [stunned silence]

  Piggy, be rational.

  Oh, Kermit, that doesn't sound like me at all.

  I know what it's like to work with my hands: I grew up on a farm.  I built cows and milked fences.

  I think you mean—

  No, that's what I did!

  This thing with Reese is everywhere; it's a P. R. nightmare!

  [irritated]  Not now.

  It's the only video North Korea's allowing it's people to see—other than the one of the Supreme Leader swimming.

  [sobbing]  I'm so embarrassed!  How could something like getting-revenge-on-a-person take such a dark turn?

  Okay, look, don't-don't worry, I'll, uh, I-I'll put out a press release to explain your behavior.  Are-are you more comfortable with sun poisoning or demonic possession?

  [stops sobbing]  No, wait, there is only one way out of this.

  Delusional dehydration?  That sounds like a thing.

  [on Up Late with Miss Piggy to Reese Witherspoon]  And I have a couple of words to say to you.

  [offstage, to himself]  Oh, please let those two words be "I'm sorry."

  [with his wing above a red buzzer]  I'm ready to bleep if they're not.

  Now, I understand you started out as a child-actor.

  Mm-hmm.

  Why'd you give that up?

  Uh…well, I got older.

  What, are you crazy?  Don't admit that on t. v.

  He's on my list.

  Piggy, couldn't you give the list a rest?  Haven't you ever heard of forgive and forget?

  Who said that?  Whoever it was, I'm putting them on my list.

  Sometimes you bring home the bacon, sometimes the bacon brings you home.

  Too true.

  Watch it, Chuckie!

Scooter

[to Kermit and Piggy] I'm so glad you guys are back together!

What do you mean "back together"?

Scooter

Hey, I'm on your team!

Oh, sorry.

Must've slipped.

Yeah.

Scooter

Hey, look, a news crew's here!

What?

Scooter

Yeah, they must've seen my tweets about you guys being back together. I got a ton of new followers! It's gonna drive so much traffic to my Pinterest page about miniature horses! [notices that Kermit and Miss Piggy have run away] Guys? Hey, where'd they go?

Gee, I don't know.