You can't just bring some rando girl just because you have a "plus one".
She's not a rando girl, okay? She likes me, she's super techie, very cool. You guys are going to love her.
PeteOh. The techie. Yeah, I get it.
Pete
That explains all the tech gear.
No, I just like this stuff.
Pete
Come on. You're a boyfriend chameleon, you know this.
Pete
Yes, you are. You are so desperate for shared interests, you basically just adopt whatever hobbies the person you're dating has.
Pete
Not true?
Pete
Lest I bring up Hippie Girl. Anyone? Please chime in.
All right, you know what? Starchild was wonderful, all right? I was hacky-sacking way before I ever met her.
[In Taco's video]
I'm worried that her family full of conquistadors is going to round up my whole family and stick us in a basement and put yellow stars on us.
That's the worst case scenario.
What is it with Catholicism? Why is the baby running the show here?
Pete
No, no, don't touch, don't touch. You'll burn your skin.
I don't know why I'm marrying this woman. Why couldn't I just marry a nice Jewish girl—Andrea Greenblatt in fourth grade?
Pete
Because you like blowjobs.
I love blowjobs! I haven't even written my vows yet, Kevin.
Your vows are the easy part. Very simple. This is what you do. "Love is a..." any noun you want. Any noun you want, all right? You just do that. "Love is a journey. Love is a commitment." And on the third one, you can't get it out. "Love is a...hold on, give me a second. [Starting to cry] I can't get it out. I just...I need a second. Love is a wonderful thing." And that's it—done.
What I felt tonight was...
Was "insert adjective here."
[on Frank the Body] I don't miss that guy. That guy is the worst. He makes me appreciate you guys. That's how awful he is.
And he called me the Herdsman.
Oh, the Herdsman! We haven't called you that in a while!
It was never even my nickname.
Ruxin, if we lined up every girl you had sex with in high school, we could run for 1,000 yards behind them in the NFL.
At least I got laid in high school.
Pete
Yeah, you got laid because you are a rabid hyena on the mountaintop, just digging up every scrap you could find.
Well, yes, that was the motto of most of the girls you dated.
[to Pete] Stu didn't have sex in your mom's car. Kevin did.
Pete
What?!
[offering a high-five] Oh, yeah!
Pete
I'm sorry, how do you know this?
[taking it back] Oh, no. What? What?
Pete
Why don't they put these things in the reunion books?
Kevin lost his virginity to me in your mom's car.
Pete
I'm sorry, can I get some more details?
He was so excited that when he came, he kicked through the window and then he yelled my name. "SHIVAKAMINI SOMAKANDARKRAM!!!" It was funny actually.
So the first Shiva Blast was your vinegar strokes.
All right, Eskimo brother.
What's that thing on top?
Pete
That is Sacko del Toro, otherwise known as a bull scrotum.
Wait, so we're naming it after a bull?
Pete
No, no, no, no. We said we were going to name it after the worst people at the reunion, and I did: you guys. You're literally the worst people I've ever known.
Pete
You're all sacks of shit. Here's to the Sacko.
GThe guys
[toasting] To The Sacko.
I love it. I hope I never win it.
[praying outside by Taco's egg-filled Nativity scene] Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh eggs and Jesus and Santa and Travolta's guy and, of course, Shiva, please let him miss this kick and let me win this game.
And please make him stop stinking so much.
Hey, quit bogarting my prayer, man.
[Inside the house]
Okay, this is the greatest day of my life.
Pete
I hope the day Ellie was born was a close second.
Pete
Oh, my God, we are one gimme field goal away from an all-MacArthur Shiva Bowl.
Pete
Jenny, there's no jinxing. You got a top-five kicker for a 37-yarder with no wind in the middle...
Silence! Here we go. Clean snap...snap is good...go to the top...looks good...
Pete
Post!
Okay, I know you're upset right, but next week you're going to be so relaxed. Trust...[Jenny puts her hand to his mouth]
[hearing from outside] I won! It's an Eggsmas miracle!
[as Ruxin delightedly kisses him and the others come out of the house] Oh, this miracle smells like poo.
You shut your MOUTH! Every year I set this league up, every year, and I never win! This was the year! Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck! Bullshit! I babysit you morons! I babysit you! "Oh, help me out. Do this, move that guy around. I don't know how to set a lineup." Fuck you! Fuck you, Taco! Fuck you, Ruxin! [kicking over stands] Stupid Wise Men! Stupid eggs! Stupid fucking eggs!
[still trashing egg Nativity scene] Stupid, stupid, stupid...
Daddy, stop! Kegel's watching you. He's gonna report to Santa.
Look me in the eye, Ellie. There is no Kegel. And there is no Santa Claus and there's no Christmas, there's no God, there's no Easter Bunny! There's nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, [breaking down] nothing!
I gotta say, I feel like I just won twice.
[holding the Shiva] Free at last, free at last. Shiva, I am free at last!
Pete
Uh, did you just compare yourself to Martin Luther King?
Pete
Wow, you're feeling really good, aren't you?
I feel great 'cause I'm a champion and I'm here with my beautiful lady, my Shiva. But Shiva's a little naked today. That's why I got her this.
[He holds up a revised plate]
It's already got your name on it.
That's right it does. "Ruxin! Suck it!" Let the unrelenting reign of Ruxin begin. [Slaps the plate on the Shiva and hoists it high] SHIVAKAMINI SOMAKADARKRAM! I won the Shiva! The Dre is dead!
[Everyone looks in the sky]
Guys, was there supposed to be a solar eclipse today?
Pete
Ruxin has won. It is the end of days!
This is exactly how I picture it when I'm masturbating, down to the fact you're all watching! The only difference is Andre's wearing a stupid hat! [Andre pulls out his hat] That's the one. Put it on so I can finish!
Pete
Don't put it on!
[wearing the hat] It's not stupid. Will Smith has the same one.
Taco, this sukkah is supposed to be for Sukkot.
Yes, and after Sukkot comes Taccot.
Pete
What is Taccot?
Taccot is an ideal plane of existence where the 12 tribes of Israel come together with people who are high on mushrooms and groove to Aphex Twin.
Yeah, I'll give you all-access passes at a discount rate.
Pete
Guys, can we take a seat, please? Sit. [The league sits down] All right, I've been thinking about this a lot, and I think our league is lacking something.
Pete
No, guys, trust. Every league gets to this point where we've cheated each other so many times over the years, we don't trust each other enough to make a simple trade. We've crossed the distrust horizon into the land of no trades.
Gee, I wonder who's responsible for that.
You are the Patient Zero of distrust, Pete.
Pete
OK, I admit it. But it's time for us to clear the air and get a little honesty going, okay?
OK. What happened in my apartment during the draft?
Did you guys cheat picking the draft order?
Pete
Okay, good. Now that we're all being honest, I would like to show you something. [Removes a drape and reveals a dry-erase board with everyone's rosters, to which they are all amazed] As you can all see, all of our teams suck. Some of the lineups aren't even legal. So in honor of Sukkot, I would like to propose to you what I call the eight-way trade.
Wait—an eight-way? But Andre's sister's not even here.
Andre's sister? Shotgun last.
Pete
I think I've come up with a plan that everyone will be happy with if we just...do this. [Proceeds to make several trades throughout] Okay, Andre, you're in need of a good defense. You have four tight ends. I have four defenses and no tight ends.
Pete
Kevin, three quarterbacks.
That could help out Taco, and the thing is, you got to start getting rid of some of these kickers.
I like kickers. They're the toughest.
Pete
Jenny, you might need more at wide receiver than just Michael Crabtree. Ruxin, you could let go of one or two of your wide receivers.
I'm not letting go of anyone good--no!
Pete
Package two wide receivers with the Baltimore defense and trade it for...MJD.
I like Maurice Jones-Drew.
Pete
I know you do.
Pete
I haven't forgotten about you, Kevin.
It's like a useless Good Will Hunting.
Pete
Just wait. Hold on.
You just got a great kicker.
Pete
One more move, and it's done. Do we have a deal. [Everyone agrees] Sukkot pact 2011, all in?
Pete
Why'd you screw me? Okay, what happened to the new honest league?
You know what? If we're gonna start over, I wanted to be you. I wanted to be the Patient Zero, for once! Let me be Patient Zero!
Pete
That is so wrong on so many levels, I just can't even respond.
[on Taco's MyFace wall] How'd you get that picture of me in Godspell? That was on my vanity. That's my personal property.
Pete
Okay, hold on. Couple of questions real quick. First of all, why was that on your vanity? Secondly, why do you have a vanity at all? And thirdly, if you must have a vanity at, why do you have to call it a vanity?
[as Ruxin, on webcam and dressed in judge's robe, bangs a gavel] What is this, Night Court?
Court is now in session. The Honorable Judge Ruxin presiding.
Pete
It's the Chosen People's Court.
Now, citizens of the League, there is no greater threat to league integrity than an uncommitted owner. Taco's lack of interest is a black mark upon our league. He's still starting Kenny Britt, who's been injured for weeks. And while I have no respect for individual members of this league...
Pete
Ugh.
...I have a tremendous amount of respect for the League itself.
Pete
This is bordering on sincerity.
And as your league champion, I, Rodney Ruxin, submit that if Taco does not start a lineup with active NFL players—not NHL, CFL, WWE, or Panthro from the ThunderCats—that he shall be kicked out of this league.
[bangs gavel] I have spoken!
Taco is vital to our league.
Pete
Yeah, and he's good for easy wins. All right, we got to put a stop to this.
Shadow government, all in.
[wrapped in flag and holding the Shiva] Shiva bless America...
PKPete, Kevin, Jenny
[hands in and break] One, two, three...we were never here!
I know you guys are planning something, so don't. Because I am watching you.
[Jenny quickly closes the laptop]
Just be careful of the paint you use.
Because I am currently representing a cheap paint company whose cans allegedly explode.
Pete
Just out of curiosity, what is your defense?
Well, if you are purchasing something that is half the price of your competitors, then there is a reasonable expectation that that product will explode in your face.
Pete
And morally, you're good with this?
There was just one word in there that I am not familiar with.
[on Ruxin's topless photo of Sofia] But the question remains, why do you keep it in your jacket pocket?
Pete
Oh, no. You do not masturbate to a photo of your own wife.
Out of everyone in your life, you picked the only person you can actually have sex with.
What? I'm not allowed to have porn in my house, and my roster sucks, so I need some material.
That's like if a serial killer wrote a romance novel, he would jerk off to his wife.
It's so great that you have your dad with us. That's awesome.
RRRupert Ruxin
Are you part of this group? I'm sorry, we haven't been introduced.
Yeah, I was over at your house all the time.
Yeah, you used to call him "that boy."
You told me to stop wearing black because I looked like Nosferatu.
RRupert
I'm so sorry. No, I don't recall that.
Hey, I'm Kevin. Remember me?
RRupert
Look, he still talks like he's seventeen. Sure, I remember you. What have you done with yourself? Let me guess, let me guess. Car salesman? Or, I know, failed inventor.
I'm actually a district attorney.
Assistant district attorney.
RRupert
[to Ruxin] You won. You won after all.
Pete
Oh, wow. Like father, like son. So good to see.
Pete
Anyhow, I'm not sure if you ever knew this, but we used to steal all the liquor from your cabinets and replace the bottles with water.
RRupert
I was quite aware. That's why I peed in the bottles before you ever got there.
That's why that mescal never tasted the same.
The League · 151 quotes
