Ellie quotes from The League

Ellie

[to Kaplan and Hansen] My daddy said he'd rather listen to those mushmouthed Bean Town jackasses on Car Talk than the crap that you belch out of your pieholes.

Jenny

Now I think it's time for you to take a tubbie.

Kevin

Bath time.

Ellie

That's bullcrap.

Kevin

What did you say, young lady?

Ellie

You heard me.

Jenny

[turning to toy elf] Well, I'm sorry, what's that, Mr. Elf on the Shelf? You're calling Santa right now?

Kevin

Uh-oh, Santa's being phoned.

Ellie

[walking away] All right. Stop busting my balls.

Kevin

Where did she learn to talk like that? I knew we were going to have a dick kid, I knew it.

Ruxin

[praying outside by Taco's egg-filled Nativity scene] Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh eggs and Jesus and Santa and Travolta's guy and, of course, Shiva, please let him miss this kick and let me win this game.

Taco

And please make him stop stinking so much.

Ruxin

Hey, quit bogarting my prayer, man.

Kevin

Okay, this is the greatest day of my life.

Pete

I hope the day Ellie was born was a close second.

Eh.

Pete

Oh, my God, we are one gimme field goal away from an all-MacArthur Shiva Bowl.

Jenny

Do not jinx him.

Pete

Jenny, there's no jinxing. You got a top-five kicker for a 37-yarder with no wind in the middle...

Kevin

Silence! Here we go. Clean snap...snap is good...go to the top...looks good...

Pete

Post!

Kevin

Post?

Andre

Okay, I know you're upset right, but next week you're going to be so relaxed. Trust...[Jenny puts her hand to his mouth]

Kevin

SHIT!!!!!!

Ruxin

[hearing from outside] I won! It's an Eggsmas miracle!

Taco

[as Ruxin delightedly kisses him and the others come out of the house] Oh, this miracle smells like poo.

Kevin

Shit!

Taco

Did you lose?

Kevin

You shut your MOUTH! Every year I set this league up, every year, and I never win! This was the year! Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck! Bullshit! I babysit you morons! I babysit you! "Oh, help me out. Do this, move that guy around. I don't know how to set a lineup." Fuck you! Fuck you, Taco! Fuck you, Ruxin! [kicking over stands] Stupid Wise Men! Stupid eggs! Stupid fucking eggs!

Taco

My eggs!

Kevin

[still trashing egg Nativity scene] Stupid, stupid, stupid...

Ellie

Daddy, stop! Kegel's watching you. He's gonna report to Santa.

Kevin

Look me in the eye, Ellie. There is no Kegel. And there is no Santa Claus and there's no Christmas, there's no God, there's no Easter Bunny! There's nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, [breaking down] nothing!

Ruxin

I gotta say, I feel like I just won twice.

Ruxin

Ellie is having a great time with all these hammers and nails, so...

Taco

And she's killing it on the electric saw. Learned it in five minutes.

Kevin

Ellie, just go inside, we're gonna start dinner soon, OK? Wash your hands, please.

Ellie

No promises!

Ellie

What are you guys doing in my bedroom?

Jenny

[covering as Kevin zips back up] Oh, hi, sweetie. Honestly, I was looking for zipper fairies...

Kevin

Yes.

Jenny

...in Daddy's zipper.

Ellie

What are zipper fairies?

Kevin

Uh, fairies that hide in your zipper and get it stuck, and Mommy was just trying to get them all out.

Jenny

Yeah.

Ellie

Did you get all the zipper fairies out?

Kevin

No. No, she did not, sadly.

Ellie

[seeing a silhouette of Jenny unzipping Kevin's pants, caused by an explosion of cheap paint] That's so cool. I love it. Mom, you're checking Dad's zipper for zipper fairies, right?

Kevin

[off Jenny's look, mortified] She didn't find any. I think they're dead.

Kevin

I'm not comfortable with this at all. It doesn't look very sterile. I saw some kid picking his nose outside.

Jenny

Have you met your daughter?

Ellie

What's that supposed to mean?

Kevin

And the thing with this Wonderlic test was not that the questions were so hard, but they were terribly worded. One of them was, like, "Randolph's got eight pairs of pants, four shirts, and six ties—how many days can he wear an outfit without repeating one?"

Jenny

192 days. 8 x 6 x 4.

Kevin

Maybe, but you know, probably not. There were harder ones than that. They even went so far as to make up words. How many pints in a peck? That's not even real. What's a peck?

Ellie

A peck is two gallons.

Kevin

No, it's not, sweetheart. You're wrong.

Jenny

She's right.