Andre Nowzic quotes from The League

Andre

I'm trying to get lineup nirvana by staring at this woman's sex bruises but I'm not getting a thing.

Andre

We are no longer sitting shiva. We are now sitting Shiva.

Andre

Let me buy you a drink, on me.

Taco

No, no, that's cool, man. I don't pay for drinks here. The bartender's my Eskimo brother. What's up, T-Bag? Can I get the usual?

Andre

What's an... Eskimo brother?

Taco

Eskimo brother: when two guys had sex with the same girl, they're Eskimo brothers. You have to know what your Eskimo family tree is. That's how you get things done.

Andre

Is that like your platinum card?

Taco

How do you guys get things done?

Pete

We have jobs.

Andre

We went to college.

Pete

Yeah, we make money and we purchase things.

Taco

You guys are weird.

Jenny

It's not as advertised, Ruxin.

Ruxin

Excuse me. I apologize if I wanted to bask in the reflective glow of my very close friends.

Kevin

We want to watch the football games. What are you doing?

Ruxin

Look. My wife is in the mood to cook a Sunday lunch. And so if I'm not allowed to watch the games, none of you can watch the games.

Pete

That's very sweet. Thank you.

Ruxin

I have put the games on pause. All we need to do--

Kevin

That doesn't--

Jenny

That doesn't work.

Ruxin

...is respect the pause. We just need to go on an information lockdown.

Andre

Well, that doesn't work 'cause I don't trust you.

Pete

[pointing to Jenny] This one's a spy.

Jenny

Me? You don't trust me? I don't trust him. [pointing to Andre] Look at that shirt.

Kevin

I don't trust myself in my heart.

Ruxin

I don't trust any of you, but I'm willing to try.

[on phone] You think I'm just gonna let you cheat your friends just so you can win?

Pete

Yeah, man, I was kinda hoping you would.

Ain't gonna happen. One other thing, all right? Do you hear me?

Pete

What's that?

I hated my uncle Pete.

Pete

[after Terry hangs up] Great.

Ruxin

Who was that?

Pete

That's my new mortal enemy.

Jenny

Andre?

Andre

Meegan?

Kevin

The dude deep-dicking Meegan?

Ruxin

Scintillating dinner conversation?

Ruxin

Check out the hingis on that one.

Pete

Oh, right, Martina Hingis. Could any name sound more like genitalia than the word Hingis? She got a nice pair of Sharapovas over there. Some Capriatis poking through.

Andre

Oh, gentleman, check this out. Looks like the Williams sisters are playing doubles today.

Ruxin

Her jeans are so tight, you can see her Kim Clijsters.

Pete

I think I see a little Becker under there.

Kevin

[running in] I want to drop my Lendls in her mouth.

Andre

I gave Peter Ronnie Brown, and he gave me Plaxico Burress.

Kevin

Are you serious?

Ruxin

Are you for real?

Andre

See you guys in the playoffs.

Kevin

He trade-raped you. You've been trade-raped.

Andre

He did not trade-rape me.

Kevin

How many games have you seen Plaxico Burress play this year?

Andre

I don't know, but the Giants have been doing...

Kevin

[imitates buzzer] Answer is zero, because the guy is in jail for two years, you moron.

Andre

He told me that wasn't Plaxico Burress.

Kevin

How did you not hear about this? Did you get a hit from Taco's bong?

Andre

I heard about it. I didn't think it was that guy!

Kevin

That's him!

Taco

You're such an idiot.

Kevin

From the mouth of babes.

Jenny

I want to know: who didn't vote for me?

Ruxin

It's a secret vote. Can't discuss the details.

Wow, I would've voted for you. There's already one woman in this league. Ain't that right, She-Dre?

Andre

You, too, really? I'm paying for your room, man.

Jenny

I don't know, guys. I just think it's really sad that you are afraid to lose to a girl. I think you did it because you're scared of me.

Kevin

You can still be on my team if you want to be.

Jenny

What I want to do is inflict as much pain on each and every one of you as possible.

Andre

How are you going to do that?

Jenny

Ruxin, do you want some help?

Ruxin

Are you serious?

Jenny

Yeah, I'll help you out with your draft.

Andre

It's unfair.

Ruxin

Fortune favors the just!

Taco

[snaps four times] Racist lions don't like playing the game. Yesterday the game was to eat a lot of yogurt.

Andre

President Andrew Jackson?

Taco

Yeah, who else would Old Hickory be?

Ruxin

Rafi's coming by for a drink.

Pete

You invited him here? Why?

Ruxin

Cause he's in the league. He's our friend.

Andre

You know we hate him, right? You realize that. We call him "El Cuñado".

Kevin

He's vile.

Ruxin

By the way, "El Cuñado" just means "brother-in-law" in Spanish. I know what you're trying to do. You're trying to make it sound dirty.

Kevin

No, it does sound dirty.

Andre

[sounding dirty] El Cuñado.

Pete

El Cuñado. When did you become such a fan of El Cuñado? You used to rip on him constantly, and then all of a sudden you marry his sister and he's your best friend now?

Andre

You used to call him, like, a homeless, ethnic Santa Claus.

Ruxin

It happened to be around Christmastime, and he was carrying a big bag of things.

Andre

Your brother stole my car.

Ruxin

He's not my brother. Bro-Lo El Cuñado.

Andre

If he has sex in that car, you're buying me a new one.

Ruxin

Well, someone will finally have sex in your car.

Andre

I went down on a girl in that car.

Pete

That wasn't a girl.

Andre

Yes, Turner syndrome, XXY.

Andre

I met this doctor, Dr. Maxwell. Real class act.

Pete

Is he...black?

Andre

How'd you know?

Pete

Nine times out of ten, when a sportscaster is referring to someone as a "class act", they're talking about a head coach who's black. "Tony Dungy, what a class act."

Kevin

"Total. Lovie Smith—class act."

Andre

I never noticed that. I mean, it happens all the time?

Kevin

It's not just football. Sportscasters use these code words in all sports. If they're talking about a Latino player in baseball, like, "Ozzie Guillen is a..."

Ruxin

Firecracker. Latin guys are always firecrackers.

Kevin

"...firecracker."

Pete

Spark plug.

Kevin

Spark plug in the clubhouse.

Ruxin

Wes Welker is like a gym rat, a real scrappy player.

Kevin

Which is code word for "white."

Ruxin

Always a white guy.

Kevin

Ichiro Suzuki is...

Taco

Inscrutable.

Pete

Enter initiate, please.

Jenny

[entering with a plate] I made brownies...

Ruxin

No, no, no, no, don't take food from the initiate. Kneel!

Jenny

No.

Ruxin

Stand.

Jenny

No. I think I'll sit and just be comfortable.

Ruxin

Sit comfortably!

Jenny

Thanks.

Andre

Wait, that's all the hazing? You guys hazed me for two weeks. I'm still finding pieces of squid all over my apartment.

Kevin

So, due to last night's circumstances, Raffi has decided to leave the league. So we welcome a new member. Welcome, sweetheart.

"Sweetheart"? No.

Andre

That's all she gets? You guys called me "dick cream" for two years.

Kevin

You want "dick cream" back?

Andre

No. I wanna be called Andre, Dre, D-Man, all right?

Jenny

Raffi left me with, like, a roster of total crap, and I was thinking that maybe we could just redraft.

No!

Andre

No, no, no. You're on your own now. Welcome to the league.

Jenny

All right, I accept the challenge. And I will take this donkey of a team and I'm gonna turn it into a champion, dick cream.

Andre

No, no, no, no dick cream.

Jenny

But just FYI, you guys. You know your buddy Russell? Not a sex addict.

Oh, yeah, he is.

Pete

What are you drinking?

Andre

Oh, it's this amazing energy supplement. It's Sports Performance Utility Nutrition Kick.

Kevin

SPUNK.

Andre

Yeah, Oh, you guys heard of it. Yeah, it's the best. SPUNK is amazing.

Jenny

Yeah?

Andre

It just gives me so much more energy. I just suck these down. I love SPUNK.

Pete

But what does it taste like, just out of curiosity?

Andre

It's a little salty. But when you're running, you just want it. Like, I want some SPUNK, you know?

Kevin

Do you have, like, a favorite flavor SPUNK?

Andre

I don't think they have flavors or just different colors. I like the black kind.

Pete

So where do you get this stuff?

Andre

I got a guy.

Andre

[to Pete] You might not know this, because I haven't seen you training, but the whole secret of marathon running is keeping yourself limber and flexible at all times.

Ruxin

It's not dressing like you're the fifth member of Color Me Badd?