Kevin McArthur quotes from The League

Kevin

Oh, bullshit, dude. I'm doing the work this year, OK! Yeah, I may even fly out to some mini-camps. How about that? Ever think about that? OK. I'm ready to go are you ready to go!?

Taco

This is for you, Ellie. Happy birthday, princess.

Kevin

Yay, Taco!

Taco

[singing] It's your birthday today

Jenny

You named your dog Kale?

Ruxin

Yeah.

Kevin

I told you in confidence that we were trying to have another baby, and if it's gonna be a boy, we wanted to name it Kale.

Ruxin

It's a great name. We can share the name.

Jenny

No, I'm not...

Kevin

No, we're not sharing "Kale".

Ruxin

He looks like a Kale. I mean, look at him. He's a Kale.

Jenny

I hate you.

Kevin

You screwed me here. You did, because now instead of Kale, we're gonna have to name him after one of her uncles.

Ruxin

What's that name?

Kevin

Moral. Moral MacArthur.

Ruxin

He sounds like a Civil War general.

Kevin

Can you just change your dog's name?

Ruxin

This dog is real. Your baby is hypothetical and, I think, a mistake.

Jenny

It's not as advertised, Ruxin.

Ruxin

Excuse me. I apologize if I wanted to bask in the reflective glow of my very close friends.

Kevin

We want to watch the football games. What are you doing?

Ruxin

Look. My wife is in the mood to cook a Sunday lunch. And so if I'm not allowed to watch the games, none of you can watch the games.

Pete

That's very sweet. Thank you.

Ruxin

I have put the games on pause. All we need to do--

Kevin

That doesn't--

Jenny

That doesn't work.

Ruxin

...is respect the pause. We just need to go on an information lockdown.

Andre

Well, that doesn't work 'cause I don't trust you.

Pete

[pointing to Jenny] This one's a spy.

Jenny

Me? You don't trust me? I don't trust him. [pointing to Andre] Look at that shirt.

Kevin

I don't trust myself in my heart.

Ruxin

I don't trust any of you, but I'm willing to try.

[on phone] You think I'm just gonna let you cheat your friends just so you can win?

Pete

Yeah, man, I was kinda hoping you would.

Ain't gonna happen. One other thing, all right? Do you hear me?

Pete

What's that?

I hated my uncle Pete.

Pete

[after Terry hangs up] Great.

Ruxin

Who was that?

Pete

That's my new mortal enemy.

Jenny

Andre?

Andre

Meegan?

Kevin

The dude deep-dicking Meegan?

Ruxin

Scintillating dinner conversation?

Pete

Meegan and I are doing the whole splitting-up-of-the-stuff, and I realize I left one crucial element in the bedroom.

Kevin

A handgun.

Pete

No, it's a tape.

Kevin

What kind of tape?

Pete

A...tape.

Kevin

You guys made a sex tape?

Pete

You didn't make a sex tape? You don't have one?

Kevin

No! I don't make sex tapes. I don't do that.

Pete

You watch porn.

Kevin

Yeah, well, just because I like to eat doesn't mean I cook.

Ruxin

Check out the hingis on that one.

Pete

Oh, right, Martina Hingis. Could any name sound more like genitalia than the word Hingis? She got a nice pair of Sharapovas over there. Some Capriatis poking through.

Andre

Oh, gentleman, check this out. Looks like the Williams sisters are playing doubles today.

Ruxin

Her jeans are so tight, you can see her Kim Clijsters.

Pete

I think I see a little Becker under there.

Kevin

[running in] I want to drop my Lendls in her mouth.

Andre

I gave Peter Ronnie Brown, and he gave me Plaxico Burress.

Kevin

Are you serious?

Ruxin

Are you for real?

Andre

See you guys in the playoffs.

Kevin

He trade-raped you. You've been trade-raped.

Andre

He did not trade-rape me.

Kevin

How many games have you seen Plaxico Burress play this year?

Andre

I don't know, but the Giants have been doing...

Kevin

[imitates buzzer] Answer is zero, because the guy is in jail for two years, you moron.

Andre

He told me that wasn't Plaxico Burress.

Kevin

How did you not hear about this? Did you get a hit from Taco's bong?

Andre

I heard about it. I didn't think it was that guy!

Kevin

That's him!

Taco

You're such an idiot.

Kevin

From the mouth of babes.

Jenny

[brandishing Ruxin's broken figurine to angry bar patron] Hey, man, you all just back off, all of you. I've worked really hard this year to put together an amazing team. I have studied the waiver wire; I know all the sleepers; I have done the bye-week plug-ins—I have done it all. And all I want to do is watch the game and find out how my team does.

Kevin

It's...really my team. She doesn't run...

Jenny

Hold my purse, Kevin. Boys, let's go.

Kevin

God, I thought I had it this year. I can't believe it. I really did. And now it just...it's over, so...

Pete

Well, it's not officially over actually. There's still the small matter of the bet.

Kevin

Yeah. The usual bet.

Jenny

You didn't make that same bet again?

Kevin

It's weird, though—the usual bet may have to take an unusual turn this year due to the fact that I technically did not really run my team.

Pete

You know, that's an excellent point, because, Jenny, you have made it emphatically clear that you set the lineups and you do the trades, and you do most of the work, so...

Jenny

You're really gonna make me do this?

Kevin

Yeah.

Pete

You always say you want to be one of the boys, Jenny.

Kevin

And boys do stupid things like get naked in alleyways.

Pete

Yeah, for a minimum of two minutes.

Kevin

Don't worry, though. I'm gonna hold your purse and your lip gloss.

Jenny

Fine.

Kevin

No.

Pete

A bet's a bet.

Jenny

You ready? You sure? Two minutes?

Pete

Wow, she's actually doing it.

Kevin

A bet's a bet.

Taco

What did I tell you? Hot girl, Volkswagen Jetta. It's a law, like water or dinosaurs.

Kevin

Not one of those things is a law, Taco.

Ruxin

Pete lost. We won. I'm gonna take Shiva and make her mine tonight, and I'll deliver her to Andre tomorrow.

Kevin

Oh, Rodney! God damn it! [Ruxin runs back and Kevin shields himself] No!

Ruxin

I forgot my keys. Where are my keys?

Kevin

I don't know.

Ruxin

Oh, they're in my pocket. They're in my pocket

Kevin

[doubled over, laughing through the pain] Oh, you son of a bitch. I HATE MY FRIENDS!

Kevin

This is your plane ticket, Taco.

Taco

Thank you for paying for it, brother. To pay you back, I will teach Ellie to ride a motorcycle.

Kevin

That's not necessary. She's only six.

Jenny

I want to know: who didn't vote for me?

Ruxin

It's a secret vote. Can't discuss the details.

Wow, I would've voted for you. There's already one woman in this league. Ain't that right, She-Dre?

Andre

You, too, really? I'm paying for your room, man.

Jenny

I don't know, guys. I just think it's really sad that you are afraid to lose to a girl. I think you did it because you're scared of me.

Kevin

You can still be on my team if you want to be.

Jenny

What I want to do is inflict as much pain on each and every one of you as possible.

Andre

How are you going to do that?

Jenny

Ruxin, do you want some help?

Ruxin

Are you serious?

Jenny

Yeah, I'll help you out with your draft.

Andre

It's unfair.

Ruxin

Fortune favors the just!

Ruxin

[on the various hot women in the club] My wife is hotter than her and her. My wife's hotter than her. My wife's hotter than her.

Kevin

Okay, we get it. You out-kicked your coverage with Sofia.