Pete Eckhart quotes from The League

Pete

He creepied up in bobbum van, filled with equipmonk for great grief for making out your underneath.

Pete

[as Bobbum Man, on Taco's tape recorder] Equipmonk sharp, equipmonk dirty, equipmonk make Kevin's bobbum hurty. Bobbum.

Andre

Let me buy you a drink, on me.

Taco

No, no, that's cool, man. I don't pay for drinks here. The bartender's my Eskimo brother. What's up, T-Bag? Can I get the usual?

Andre

What's an... Eskimo brother?

Taco

Eskimo brother: when two guys had sex with the same girl, they're Eskimo brothers. You have to know what your Eskimo family tree is. That's how you get things done.

Andre

Is that like your platinum card?

Taco

How do you guys get things done?

Pete

We have jobs.

Andre

We went to college.

Pete

Yeah, we make money and we purchase things.

Taco

You guys are weird.

Ruxin

Look, I know you're just doing this to get, like, a little vacation from your marriage, but can't you just scurry back for, like, one week?

Pete

Being married to Meegan is like being at the beach, okay? You put up with all of this shit that's completely unacceptable in any other situation, except that, "hey, we're at the beach!" You know, it's like you're shivering in your shorts in 50-degree weather, but, "hey, we're at the beach." The truth is, some beaches suck. Some beaches are bad. And I know you can't really see this because you're still living at the beach, but I left. I can't go back to the beach, man. I'm done. [Ruxin just nods noncommittally] What, you don't ever think of divorce? Ever?

Ruxin

No. I mean, I've thought about it, but I would never do it.

Pete

What, do you have a moral stipulation?

Ruxin

No. If Sofia and I split up, 50% of my time, I would have to spend 100% of my time with my kid. Right now, I'm rocking, like, 50% coverage 30% of my time. You cannot beat those numbers. Also, if we got a divorce, she would get half of my money, making me ostensibly poor yet still paying her to just get pounded by other dudes, which will happen because she is still smoking hot, whereas I look like a Nazi propaganda cartoon of a Jew.

Pete

Wow, you have really crunched the numbers on this, my friend.

Jenny

It's not as advertised, Ruxin.

Ruxin

Excuse me. I apologize if I wanted to bask in the reflective glow of my very close friends.

Kevin

We want to watch the football games. What are you doing?

Ruxin

Look. My wife is in the mood to cook a Sunday lunch. And so if I'm not allowed to watch the games, none of you can watch the games.

Pete

That's very sweet. Thank you.

Ruxin

I have put the games on pause. All we need to do--

Kevin

That doesn't--

Jenny

That doesn't work.

Ruxin

...is respect the pause. We just need to go on an information lockdown.

Andre

Well, that doesn't work 'cause I don't trust you.

Pete

[pointing to Jenny] This one's a spy.

Jenny

Me? You don't trust me? I don't trust him. [pointing to Andre] Look at that shirt.

Kevin

I don't trust myself in my heart.

Ruxin

I don't trust any of you, but I'm willing to try.

[on phone] You think I'm just gonna let you cheat your friends just so you can win?

Pete

Yeah, man, I was kinda hoping you would.

Ain't gonna happen. One other thing, all right? Do you hear me?

Pete

What's that?

I hated my uncle Pete.

Pete

[after Terry hangs up] Great.

Ruxin

Who was that?

Pete

That's my new mortal enemy.

Jenny

Andre?

Andre

Meegan?

Kevin

The dude deep-dicking Meegan?

Ruxin

Scintillating dinner conversation?

Pete

Meegan and I are doing the whole splitting-up-of-the-stuff, and I realize I left one crucial element in the bedroom.

Kevin

A handgun.

Pete

No, it's a tape.

Kevin

What kind of tape?

Pete

A...tape.

Kevin

You guys made a sex tape?

Pete

You didn't make a sex tape? You don't have one?

Kevin

No! I don't make sex tapes. I don't do that.

Pete

You watch porn.

Kevin

Yeah, well, just because I like to eat doesn't mean I cook.

Ruxin

Check out the hingis on that one.

Pete

Oh, right, Martina Hingis. Could any name sound more like genitalia than the word Hingis? She got a nice pair of Sharapovas over there. Some Capriatis poking through.

Andre

Oh, gentleman, check this out. Looks like the Williams sisters are playing doubles today.

Ruxin

Her jeans are so tight, you can see her Kim Clijsters.

Pete

I think I see a little Becker under there.

Kevin

[running in] I want to drop my Lendls in her mouth.

Kevin

God, I thought I had it this year. I can't believe it. I really did. And now it just...it's over, so...

Pete

Well, it's not officially over actually. There's still the small matter of the bet.

Kevin

Yeah. The usual bet.

Jenny

You didn't make that same bet again?

Kevin

It's weird, though—the usual bet may have to take an unusual turn this year due to the fact that I technically did not really run my team.

Pete

You know, that's an excellent point, because, Jenny, you have made it emphatically clear that you set the lineups and you do the trades, and you do most of the work, so...

Jenny

You're really gonna make me do this?

Kevin

Yeah.

Pete

You always say you want to be one of the boys, Jenny.

Kevin

And boys do stupid things like get naked in alleyways.

Pete

Yeah, for a minimum of two minutes.

Kevin

Don't worry, though. I'm gonna hold your purse and your lip gloss.

Jenny

Fine.

Kevin

No.

Pete

A bet's a bet.

Jenny

You ready? You sure? Two minutes?

Pete

Wow, she's actually doing it.

Kevin

A bet's a bet.

Ruxin

Rafi's coming by for a drink.

Pete

You invited him here? Why?

Ruxin

Cause he's in the league. He's our friend.

Andre

You know we hate him, right? You realize that. We call him "El Cuñado".

Kevin

He's vile.

Ruxin

By the way, "El Cuñado" just means "brother-in-law" in Spanish. I know what you're trying to do. You're trying to make it sound dirty.

Kevin

No, it does sound dirty.

Andre

[sounding dirty] El Cuñado.

Pete

El Cuñado. When did you become such a fan of El Cuñado? You used to rip on him constantly, and then all of a sudden you marry his sister and he's your best friend now?

Andre

You used to call him, like, a homeless, ethnic Santa Claus.

Ruxin

It happened to be around Christmastime, and he was carrying a big bag of things.

Andre

Your brother stole my car.

Ruxin

He's not my brother. Bro-Lo El Cuñado.

Andre

If he has sex in that car, you're buying me a new one.

Ruxin

Well, someone will finally have sex in your car.

Andre

I went down on a girl in that car.

Pete

That wasn't a girl.

Andre

Yes, Turner syndrome, XXY.

Pete

[on Kevin's shelves full of For Dummies books] That's a lot of books.

Ruxin

I thought these were all Yellow Pages.

Kevin

Why would I keep Yellow Pages?

Ruxin

Why would you keep a stack of "How I'm a Dummy" books everywhere?

Kevin

Because this is my own personal research library.

Pete

[perusing the books] Stretching for Dummies.

Ruxin

Holiday Entertaining for Dummies.

Kevin

Those things are high-pressure situations.

Pete

Cryptography for Dummies. Three seconds—what is cryptography?

Kevin

You know what, that came in a set.

Ruxin

Oh, Kevin. Law for Dummies?

Kevin

I should've hid that one.

Ruxin

You're a lawyer, Kevin.

Kevin

It's full of common sense legal advice.

Pete

Jesus! Mexico's Beach Resorts for Dummies. How hard is it to hang out in a beach in Mexico?

Ruxin

Is there a How to Hide Your Glaring Lack of Knowledge From Your Friends for Dummies, cause that's one you should've bought.

Andre

I met this doctor, Dr. Maxwell. Real class act.

Pete

Is he...black?

Andre

How'd you know?

Pete

Nine times out of ten, when a sportscaster is referring to someone as a "class act", they're talking about a head coach who's black. "Tony Dungy, what a class act."

Kevin

"Total. Lovie Smith—class act."

Andre

I never noticed that. I mean, it happens all the time?

Kevin

It's not just football. Sportscasters use these code words in all sports. If they're talking about a Latino player in baseball, like, "Ozzie Guillen is a..."

Ruxin

Firecracker. Latin guys are always firecrackers.

Kevin

"...firecracker."

Pete

Spark plug.

Kevin

Spark plug in the clubhouse.

Ruxin

Wes Welker is like a gym rat, a real scrappy player.

Kevin

Which is code word for "white."

Ruxin

Always a white guy.

Kevin

Ichiro Suzuki is...

Taco

Inscrutable.

Pete

Enter initiate, please.

Jenny

[entering with a plate] I made brownies...

Ruxin

No, no, no, no, don't take food from the initiate. Kneel!

Jenny

No.

Ruxin

Stand.

Jenny

No. I think I'll sit and just be comfortable.

Ruxin

Sit comfortably!

Jenny

Thanks.

Andre

Wait, that's all the hazing? You guys hazed me for two weeks. I'm still finding pieces of squid all over my apartment.

Kevin

So, due to last night's circumstances, Raffi has decided to leave the league. So we welcome a new member. Welcome, sweetheart.

"Sweetheart"? No.

Andre

That's all she gets? You guys called me "dick cream" for two years.

Kevin

You want "dick cream" back?

Andre

No. I wanna be called Andre, Dre, D-Man, all right?

Jenny

Raffi left me with, like, a roster of total crap, and I was thinking that maybe we could just redraft.

No!

Andre

No, no, no. You're on your own now. Welcome to the league.

Jenny

All right, I accept the challenge. And I will take this donkey of a team and I'm gonna turn it into a champion, dick cream.

Andre

No, no, no, no dick cream.

Jenny

But just FYI, you guys. You know your buddy Russell? Not a sex addict.

Oh, yeah, he is.

Pete

What are you drinking?

Andre

Oh, it's this amazing energy supplement. It's Sports Performance Utility Nutrition Kick.

Kevin

SPUNK.

Andre

Yeah, Oh, you guys heard of it. Yeah, it's the best. SPUNK is amazing.

Jenny

Yeah?

Andre

It just gives me so much more energy. I just suck these down. I love SPUNK.

Pete

But what does it taste like, just out of curiosity?

Andre

It's a little salty. But when you're running, you just want it. Like, I want some SPUNK, you know?

Kevin

Do you have, like, a favorite flavor SPUNK?

Andre

I don't think they have flavors or just different colors. I like the black kind.

Pete

So where do you get this stuff?

Andre

I got a guy.