Jenny McArthur quotes from The League

Jenny

You look like the oldest boy band ever, and Ruxin, you look like their creepy gay manager.

Jenny

You named your dog Kale?

Ruxin

Yeah.

Kevin

I told you in confidence that we were trying to have another baby, and if it's gonna be a boy, we wanted to name it Kale.

Ruxin

It's a great name. We can share the name.

Jenny

No, I'm not...

Kevin

No, we're not sharing "Kale".

Ruxin

He looks like a Kale. I mean, look at him. He's a Kale.

Jenny

I hate you.

Kevin

You screwed me here. You did, because now instead of Kale, we're gonna have to name him after one of her uncles.

Ruxin

What's that name?

Kevin

Moral. Moral MacArthur.

Ruxin

He sounds like a Civil War general.

Kevin

Can you just change your dog's name?

Ruxin

This dog is real. Your baby is hypothetical and, I think, a mistake.

Jenny

It's not as advertised, Ruxin.

Ruxin

Excuse me. I apologize if I wanted to bask in the reflective glow of my very close friends.

Kevin

We want to watch the football games. What are you doing?

Ruxin

Look. My wife is in the mood to cook a Sunday lunch. And so if I'm not allowed to watch the games, none of you can watch the games.

Pete

That's very sweet. Thank you.

Ruxin

I have put the games on pause. All we need to do--

Kevin

That doesn't--

Jenny

That doesn't work.

Ruxin

...is respect the pause. We just need to go on an information lockdown.

Andre

Well, that doesn't work 'cause I don't trust you.

Pete

[pointing to Jenny] This one's a spy.

Jenny

Me? You don't trust me? I don't trust him. [pointing to Andre] Look at that shirt.

Kevin

I don't trust myself in my heart.

Ruxin

I don't trust any of you, but I'm willing to try.

[on phone] You think I'm just gonna let you cheat your friends just so you can win?

Pete

Yeah, man, I was kinda hoping you would.

Ain't gonna happen. One other thing, all right? Do you hear me?

Pete

What's that?

I hated my uncle Pete.

Pete

[after Terry hangs up] Great.

Ruxin

Who was that?

Pete

That's my new mortal enemy.

Jenny

Andre?

Andre

Meegan?

Kevin

The dude deep-dicking Meegan?

Ruxin

Scintillating dinner conversation?

Jenny

[brandishing Ruxin's broken figurine to angry bar patron] Hey, man, you all just back off, all of you. I've worked really hard this year to put together an amazing team. I have studied the waiver wire; I know all the sleepers; I have done the bye-week plug-ins—I have done it all. And all I want to do is watch the game and find out how my team does.

Kevin

It's...really my team. She doesn't run...

Jenny

Hold my purse, Kevin. Boys, let's go.

Kevin

God, I thought I had it this year. I can't believe it. I really did. And now it just...it's over, so...

Pete

Well, it's not officially over actually. There's still the small matter of the bet.

Kevin

Yeah. The usual bet.

Jenny

You didn't make that same bet again?

Kevin

It's weird, though—the usual bet may have to take an unusual turn this year due to the fact that I technically did not really run my team.

Pete

You know, that's an excellent point, because, Jenny, you have made it emphatically clear that you set the lineups and you do the trades, and you do most of the work, so...

Jenny

You're really gonna make me do this?

Kevin

Yeah.

Pete

You always say you want to be one of the boys, Jenny.

Kevin

And boys do stupid things like get naked in alleyways.

Pete

Yeah, for a minimum of two minutes.

Kevin

Don't worry, though. I'm gonna hold your purse and your lip gloss.

Jenny

Fine.

Kevin

No.

Pete

A bet's a bet.

Jenny

You ready? You sure? Two minutes?

Pete

Wow, she's actually doing it.

Kevin

A bet's a bet.

Jenny

I want to know: who didn't vote for me?

Ruxin

It's a secret vote. Can't discuss the details.

Wow, I would've voted for you. There's already one woman in this league. Ain't that right, She-Dre?

Andre

You, too, really? I'm paying for your room, man.

Jenny

I don't know, guys. I just think it's really sad that you are afraid to lose to a girl. I think you did it because you're scared of me.

Kevin

You can still be on my team if you want to be.

Jenny

What I want to do is inflict as much pain on each and every one of you as possible.

Andre

How are you going to do that?

Jenny

Ruxin, do you want some help?

Ruxin

Are you serious?

Jenny

Yeah, I'll help you out with your draft.

Andre

It's unfair.

Ruxin

Fortune favors the just!

Kevin

You cannot be in a league with Russell

Jenny

Why? He called the other day, they needed an extra person, we were talking, he asked me if I could do it.

Kevin

Jenny, Russell is a sex addict.

Jenny

There's no such thing as a sex addict. There's just guys.

Kevin

Yes, guys who want to sleep with everything.

Jenny

Yeah, guys.

Kevin

This guy is perverted, all right? Who starts a league week three?

Jenny

Whatever. I'll figure it out. We're going over there for the draft, and I'm excited.

Kevin

Jenny, I don't want you to be in a league with Russell the sex machine. I want you to be in a league with me.

Jenny

Really?

Kevin

Really.

Jenny

Well, it didn't sound like that in Vegas, did it?

Pete

Enter initiate, please.

Jenny

[entering with a plate] I made brownies...

Ruxin

No, no, no, no, don't take food from the initiate. Kneel!

Jenny

No.

Ruxin

Stand.

Jenny

No. I think I'll sit and just be comfortable.

Ruxin

Sit comfortably!

Jenny

Thanks.

Andre

Wait, that's all the hazing? You guys hazed me for two weeks. I'm still finding pieces of squid all over my apartment.

Kevin

So, due to last night's circumstances, Raffi has decided to leave the league. So we welcome a new member. Welcome, sweetheart.

"Sweetheart"? No.

Andre

That's all she gets? You guys called me "dick cream" for two years.

Kevin

You want "dick cream" back?

Andre

No. I wanna be called Andre, Dre, D-Man, all right?

Jenny

Raffi left me with, like, a roster of total crap, and I was thinking that maybe we could just redraft.

No!

Andre

No, no, no. You're on your own now. Welcome to the league.

Jenny

All right, I accept the challenge. And I will take this donkey of a team and I'm gonna turn it into a champion, dick cream.

Andre

No, no, no, no dick cream.

Jenny

But just FYI, you guys. You know your buddy Russell? Not a sex addict.

Oh, yeah, he is.

Pete

What are you drinking?

Andre

Oh, it's this amazing energy supplement. It's Sports Performance Utility Nutrition Kick.

Kevin

SPUNK.

Andre

Yeah, Oh, you guys heard of it. Yeah, it's the best. SPUNK is amazing.

Jenny

Yeah?

Andre

It just gives me so much more energy. I just suck these down. I love SPUNK.

Pete

But what does it taste like, just out of curiosity?

Andre

It's a little salty. But when you're running, you just want it. Like, I want some SPUNK, you know?

Kevin

Do you have, like, a favorite flavor SPUNK?

Andre

I don't think they have flavors or just different colors. I like the black kind.

Pete

So where do you get this stuff?

Andre

I got a guy.

Jenny

So you didn't have a problem getting Ellie over to Jackie's?

Kevin

I thought you brought her to gymnastics.

Jenny

No. I brought her to gymnastics, and you were supposed to pick her up and drop...oh, my God.

Andre

Parent fail.

Kevin

Do me a favor and say, "happy anniversary."

Jenny

I will when she says, "happy birthday."

Kevin

No, you say it first.

Jenny

You look lovely.

Sofia

Thank you. This is the same dress that I wore at my rehearsal dinner the night before my wedding.

Jenny

Oh, the night before my birthday?

Sofia

My wedding.

Jenny

My birthday.

Sofia

My wedding.

Jenny

My birthday.

Sofia

My wedding five years ago. Can you believe the dress still fits? Actually, I had to take in it just a little bit.

Jenny

I am going to go get a drink.

It is so great to finally meet you guys in person. Rodney?

Ruxin

Ruxin.

Oh, my God. I found some of your college poetry—on an archived Prodigy page—and I just have to say, "Hernando's Song" was beautiful.

Sofia

What is she talking about?

It is beautiful. And you, Kevin. How many times do I have to poke you before you accept my friend request on Facebook?

Kevin

I don't even know who you are.

Sofia, oh, my God. [leaning in close] By the way, love the nose job; it's perky, cute, but it doesn't rob you of your ethnicity, you know? Anyway, I'm going to grab a drink. Do you want something?

Andre

Whatever you're having. [They kiss and Stacy walks away] Isn't she great?

No.

Sofia

She's weird.

Jenny

Totally weird.

Andre

What do you mean, she's weird? No.

Kevin

She's strange, man.

Sofia

Shit's natural, bitch.

Andre

Okay, guys, just chill out. She Googled you guys.

Kevin

No, no, she Googled too deep. She's a deep Googler. She's like page five shit, man.

Jenny

No, actually, I am kind of curious about this poetry thing you've got going on, Rodney.

Ruxin

It was a goof.

Andre

[on his iPad] I got it right here. "With auburn hair and dark, dark eyes, Hernando rode the steed of love into the gallows of my heart."

Jenny

Hernando's a man's name.

Ruxin

I'm worried that her family full of conquistadors is going to round up my whole family and stick us in a basement and put yellow stars on us.

Andre

That's the worst case scenario.

Ruxin

What is it with Catholicism? Why is the baby running the show here?

Pete

No, no, don't touch, don't touch. You'll burn your skin.

Ruxin

I don't know why I'm marrying this woman. Why couldn't I just marry a nice Jewish girl—Andrea Greenblatt in fourth grade?

Pete

Because you like blowjobs.

Ruxin

I love blowjobs! I haven't even written my vows yet, Kevin.

Kevin

Your vows are the easy part. Very simple. This is what you do. "Love is a..." any noun you want. Any noun you want, all right? You just do that. "Love is a journey. Love is a commitment." And on the third one, you can't get it out. "Love is a...hold on, give me a second. [Starting to cry] I can't get it out. I just...I need a second. Love is a wonderful thing." And that's it—done.

Kevin

What I felt tonight was...

Jenny

Was "insert adjective here."

Kevin

Babe, I'm so sorry about today. I really screwed up.

Jenny

Why? It's kind of the best birthday ever.

Kevin

Really?

Jenny

Are you kidding me? It's like a train wreck. I can't look away.