Rodney Ruxin quotes from The League

Ruxin

[to Pete] Let's keep the couples massage. Just remember when you're entering Andre, not to say Kevin's name.

Ruxin

By the way, the term "what happens in Vegas...", that should be, like, buried in a graveyard of overused expressions along with "You go, girl" and "Show me the money."

Ruxin

[singing to tune of Hava Nagila] Shivakamini Somakandarkram, Shiva - Suck it!

Ruxin

Baby Geoffrey, everything in a public restroom is on fire!

Ruxin

Baby Geoffrey, forever unclean!

Ruxin

[to Ellie] Your daddy's your hero? You should aim higher, like a low-end bookie or a spare tire.

Ruxin

None of this counts. This whole season arrived in a clown car of lies, and it never happened! Ruxin still reigns as champion, and Andre still has the Sacko!

Ruxin

She was flickin' that bean like Mean Joe Greene

Ruxin

If my kid is gonna hate Jews, it's 'cause he's self-loathing, not 'cause he's anti-Semitic.

Ruxin

Look, I know you're just doing this to get, like, a little vacation from your marriage, but can't you just scurry back for, like, one week?

Pete

Being married to Meegan is like being at the beach, okay? You put up with all of this shit that's completely unacceptable in any other situation, except that, "hey, we're at the beach!" You know, it's like you're shivering in your shorts in 50-degree weather, but, "hey, we're at the beach." The truth is, some beaches suck. Some beaches are bad. And I know you can't really see this because you're still living at the beach, but I left. I can't go back to the beach, man. I'm done. [Ruxin just nods noncommittally] What, you don't ever think of divorce? Ever?

Ruxin

No. I mean, I've thought about it, but I would never do it.

Pete

What, do you have a moral stipulation?

Ruxin

No. If Sofia and I split up, 50% of my time, I would have to spend 100% of my time with my kid. Right now, I'm rocking, like, 50% coverage 30% of my time. You cannot beat those numbers. Also, if we got a divorce, she would get half of my money, making me ostensibly poor yet still paying her to just get pounded by other dudes, which will happen because she is still smoking hot, whereas I look like a Nazi propaganda cartoon of a Jew.

Pete

Wow, you have really crunched the numbers on this, my friend.

Jenny

You named your dog Kale?

Ruxin

Yeah.

Kevin

I told you in confidence that we were trying to have another baby, and if it's gonna be a boy, we wanted to name it Kale.

Ruxin

It's a great name. We can share the name.

Jenny

No, I'm not...

Kevin

No, we're not sharing "Kale".

Ruxin

He looks like a Kale. I mean, look at him. He's a Kale.

Jenny

I hate you.

Kevin

You screwed me here. You did, because now instead of Kale, we're gonna have to name him after one of her uncles.

Ruxin

What's that name?

Kevin

Moral. Moral MacArthur.

Ruxin

He sounds like a Civil War general.

Kevin

Can you just change your dog's name?

Ruxin

This dog is real. Your baby is hypothetical and, I think, a mistake.

Jenny

It's not as advertised, Ruxin.

Ruxin

Excuse me. I apologize if I wanted to bask in the reflective glow of my very close friends.

Kevin

We want to watch the football games. What are you doing?

Ruxin

Look. My wife is in the mood to cook a Sunday lunch. And so if I'm not allowed to watch the games, none of you can watch the games.

Pete

That's very sweet. Thank you.

Ruxin

I have put the games on pause. All we need to do--

Kevin

That doesn't--

Jenny

That doesn't work.

Ruxin

...is respect the pause. We just need to go on an information lockdown.

Andre

Well, that doesn't work 'cause I don't trust you.

Pete

[pointing to Jenny] This one's a spy.

Jenny

Me? You don't trust me? I don't trust him. [pointing to Andre] Look at that shirt.

Kevin

I don't trust myself in my heart.

Ruxin

I don't trust any of you, but I'm willing to try.

[on phone] You think I'm just gonna let you cheat your friends just so you can win?

Pete

Yeah, man, I was kinda hoping you would.

Ain't gonna happen. One other thing, all right? Do you hear me?

Pete

What's that?

I hated my uncle Pete.

Pete

[after Terry hangs up] Great.

Ruxin

Who was that?

Pete

That's my new mortal enemy.

Jenny

Andre?

Andre

Meegan?

Kevin

The dude deep-dicking Meegan?

Ruxin

Scintillating dinner conversation?

Ruxin

Check out the hingis on that one.

Pete

Oh, right, Martina Hingis. Could any name sound more like genitalia than the word Hingis? She got a nice pair of Sharapovas over there. Some Capriatis poking through.

Andre

Oh, gentleman, check this out. Looks like the Williams sisters are playing doubles today.

Ruxin

Her jeans are so tight, you can see her Kim Clijsters.

Pete

I think I see a little Becker under there.

Kevin

[running in] I want to drop my Lendls in her mouth.

Andre

I gave Peter Ronnie Brown, and he gave me Plaxico Burress.

Kevin

Are you serious?

Ruxin

Are you for real?

Andre

See you guys in the playoffs.

Kevin

He trade-raped you. You've been trade-raped.

Andre

He did not trade-rape me.

Kevin

How many games have you seen Plaxico Burress play this year?

Andre

I don't know, but the Giants have been doing...

Kevin

[imitates buzzer] Answer is zero, because the guy is in jail for two years, you moron.

Andre

He told me that wasn't Plaxico Burress.

Kevin

How did you not hear about this? Did you get a hit from Taco's bong?

Andre

I heard about it. I didn't think it was that guy!

Kevin

That's him!

Taco

You're such an idiot.

Kevin

From the mouth of babes.