Taco McArthur quotes from The League

Taco

I just ate a shit-ton at Sizzler. I have the strength of four Salisburies, three sirloins, and a gallon of root beer inside me. Let's notarize!

Taco

[chased by April's husband] Hey, buddy. Calm down. Listen, listen. Big misunderstanding, okay? Nothing happened, okay? We just had sex.

Taco

You might wanna stretch your jaw, Pete, cause you're gonna eat a lot of shit this week.

Taco

This is for you, Ellie. Happy birthday, princess.

Kevin

Yay, Taco!

Taco

[singing] It's your birthday today

Andre

Let me buy you a drink, on me.

Taco

No, no, that's cool, man. I don't pay for drinks here. The bartender's my Eskimo brother. What's up, T-Bag? Can I get the usual?

Andre

What's an... Eskimo brother?

Taco

Eskimo brother: when two guys had sex with the same girl, they're Eskimo brothers. You have to know what your Eskimo family tree is. That's how you get things done.

Andre

Is that like your platinum card?

Taco

How do you guys get things done?

Pete

We have jobs.

Andre

We went to college.

Pete

Yeah, we make money and we purchase things.

Taco

You guys are weird.

Andre

I gave Peter Ronnie Brown, and he gave me Plaxico Burress.

Kevin

Are you serious?

Ruxin

Are you for real?

Andre

See you guys in the playoffs.

Kevin

He trade-raped you. You've been trade-raped.

Andre

He did not trade-rape me.

Kevin

How many games have you seen Plaxico Burress play this year?

Andre

I don't know, but the Giants have been doing...

Kevin

[imitates buzzer] Answer is zero, because the guy is in jail for two years, you moron.

Andre

He told me that wasn't Plaxico Burress.

Kevin

How did you not hear about this? Did you get a hit from Taco's bong?

Andre

I heard about it. I didn't think it was that guy!

Kevin

That's him!

Taco

You're such an idiot.

Kevin

From the mouth of babes.

Taco

What did I tell you? Hot girl, Volkswagen Jetta. It's a law, like water or dinosaurs.

Kevin

Not one of those things is a law, Taco.

Kevin

This is your plane ticket, Taco.

Taco

Thank you for paying for it, brother. To pay you back, I will teach Ellie to ride a motorcycle.

Kevin

That's not necessary. She's only six.

Taco

[on the redone league trophy with a small statue of Andre] Why doesn't it have a penis?

Ruxin

Oh, because it's anatomically correct, Taco.

Taco

[snaps four times] Racist lions don't like playing the game. Yesterday the game was to eat a lot of yogurt.

Andre

President Andrew Jackson?

Taco

Yeah, who else would Old Hickory be?

Andre

I met this doctor, Dr. Maxwell. Real class act.

Pete

Is he...black?

Andre

How'd you know?

Pete

Nine times out of ten, when a sportscaster is referring to someone as a "class act", they're talking about a head coach who's black. "Tony Dungy, what a class act."

Kevin

"Total. Lovie Smith—class act."

Andre

I never noticed that. I mean, it happens all the time?

Kevin

It's not just football. Sportscasters use these code words in all sports. If they're talking about a Latino player in baseball, like, "Ozzie Guillen is a..."

Ruxin

Firecracker. Latin guys are always firecrackers.

Kevin

"...firecracker."

Pete

Spark plug.

Kevin

Spark plug in the clubhouse.

Ruxin

Wes Welker is like a gym rat, a real scrappy player.

Kevin

Which is code word for "white."

Ruxin

Always a white guy.

Kevin

Ichiro Suzuki is...

Taco

Inscrutable.

Taco

Friends, you are looking at a licensed notarizer.

Ruxin

The word is notary.

Taco

No, no, that's the plural.

Taco

Can I have your attention, everyone? It has taken me five years, but I've finally completed Ruxin and Sofia's wedding gift—their wedding video.

Ruxin

But we already have a wedding video.

Taco

Yes, but I was shooting behind-the-scenes footage with my own camera without any of you knowing. I wanted to capture the wedding cinnamon very day style.

Taco

[after throwing an irate monkey out of the car] Oh, my God. I think we just killed him!

Pete

We didn't kill it, okay. Monkeys land on their feet. They're like masturbating cats.

His spirit is very restless; there's a terrible noise.

Taco

Oh no, is it Savage Garden? Five for Fighting? Boyz II Men? Please tell me it's not Boyz II Men.

He's covering his ears!

Taco

Is it Creed? Nickelback?!