An all-MacArthur Shiva Bowl, and I'm not even in it. You know, I did not set up this league to have a trophy end up with my wife's name on it or as a bong in my attic. I'm destined to never win it.
PeteMaybe you're like Moses, you know—you're supposed to lead the people to the desert, but you're not allowed to go into the promised land yourself.
Look at this! Look at this!
Pete
Holy shit. Interception. Two points.
Go for the sideline. Keep going, Ed Reed.
Pete
He's got one guy to beat.
[Jenny, on a stepladder, turns to watch and starts to fall. Kevin rushes over to catch her]
Oh, my God. You saved me.
Pete
Kevin, six more points! You won!
I didn't even see the play.
You took your eyes off the game and you saved me.
Oh, I love you, dick cream.
[They kiss and Kevin drops her]
I'm going to the Shiva Bowl! SHIVAKAMINI SOMAKANDAKRAM!!!
[walking in with Ellie's collage] What is this?
This is why I wanted a new kid--this one's no good.
You cheated me in the draft order, and you thought you could outsmart Ruxin!
Ruxin, just look at what I drew up--you'll see that there was no difference in either way!
I'm not looking at anything 'cause all I see are lies and collusion! This whole season is null and void! Vull and noid!
[on video will] Hello, I'm Rodney Ruxin. Everyone calls me Ruxin. And this is my last will and testament. First of all, congratulations for knowing me. You really knocked it out of the park, friend-wise. But now I have moved on—left this world for a better place.
My prize golf clubs I leave to Pete. No, Kevin... Wha... Andre...
No... Pete... No, Kev... You know what, no, throw 'em away.
Nope, sell them on Craigslist. No, you know what, throw them away.
Pete
It's classic. He even tinkers with his will.
Craigslist. Craigslist. A few things to clear up. Pete, your Paul's Boutique vinyl—I took it.
Pete
What?!
I listened to it, I scratched it, I threw it away and blamed it on the lacrosse team.
Pete
Son of a bitch. [noticing Sofia] Sorry.
To Jenny--honestly, I don't get it. I don't see what Kevin sees in you. I don't get you guys; never did.
Now, if I die or am incapacitated during the regular season, I bequeath my team to... Andre.
He picked me. Out of all of you, he picked me. This is great. I mean...
Andre, the shit just got really real.
And you better not fuck this up.
Pete
No pressure, buddy.
This has been my last will and testament. I mean, whatever, I'm dead now. So I just want to wish you one last hearty and heartfelt... Suck it!
Pete
I just look at all the players that are available, give them +1's or -1's for all their attributes, and it actually kind of works on women too.
Pete
Look, we all know, after the draft, there's not too much talent left on the free-agency market, right? The same thing is true for women after the age of 28 'cause all the good ones are basically taken.
They're drafted to other people's teams.
Pete
And those who are left, myself included, have a ton of baggage. Maybe it's a bad hamstring, maybe she's got daddy issues, you know. This allows me to ferret it all out and make the right pick.
Wait a second, so you live your dating life like you're just choosing someone off the waiver wire?
Pete
Pretty much, yeah. I mean, look, here's an example. These three nice ladies over here. The one in the middle—she's beautiful. That gives her a +2. But look closely under her fingernails—there's some chalk. Means she's probably a teacher, has to get up early. That's a big -1 for me. Also, very expensive necklace—not affordable on a teacher's salary. That means she's probably taken. That gives her a -2, which means I've got to find another player to pick up.
SSutton
I had a really great time tonight, but I just...I don't think that this is gonna work.
Pete
You know that already?
SSutton
Yeah, I'm getting older, and I feel like a lot of guys, they have baggage, so I just, I've had to...
Pete
[getting it] Implement a system.
Pete
I understand. All right, I hate to ask, but...how did I do?
SSutton
Okay, full head of hair, +1. Confident, +1. I like that you stalked me in the food court for a while, +1.
Pete
This is good. You're thorough.
SSutton
But there's the immaturity, -1. Fear of commitment, -1.
Pete
That's right.
SSutton
You had three drinks, -1.
Pete
You had four.
SSutton
You were in the bathroom so long, -1.
Pete
Wait, wait, wait, there was a line there; we discussed this. I stand by that.
SSutton
For the men's room? Come on. Bragging about how much sleep you get, -1.
Pete
It's a nice quality.
SSutton
And you didn't have to tell me what celebrity every single person in the restaurant looked like.
Pete
I'm still convinced that guy might have been Tony Danza.
SSutton
-1, and I'm not even gonna get into the whole thing about how you're still friends with my ex-boyfriend, and I'm sure you've talked about what I'm like in bed.
Pete
Sutton, I would never do...okay, -1.
Pete
That's rough.
SSutton
Sorry, Pete. Good night.
Pete
Well played, Sutton. You're out of my league.
Pete
Taco, what the hell are you doing here?
I'm gonna hang out with Sutton. No, I know the deal. No dating, just sex.
Pete
Yeah, but...
SSutton
Independently wealthy, +8.
I'm gonna go smoke a bowl. I'll be right back.
Pete
Holy shit, is this for real?
These seem hard, but they're...not.
How can an electronics store have 182 customers in one day?
I don't understand why you need to know fractions for the NFL.
[taking shots with two women] To the Wonderlic! You guys ever been Wonderlic'd?
Suzannah's giving away entirely too much of her tips.
Pete
You're still on Suzannah?
[breaking his pencil tip] Can I have another pencil?
The Wilson family has an eating disorder.
[sitting back down] Who wants some shots?
Pete
Tell me the story again. You were both running for the computer. You fell, she picked up the player. I mean, this sounds a little...
I would say that there has been foul play here.
Are you insinuating I put a bounty on my own husband's head?
In the video post, you said that you wanted to take him out.
It was a joke. You're on the message boards all the time saying that you're gonna put your D up Kevin's B. Do you?
No, because he is Pete's property.
DSDeion Sanders
[laughing] This is good. You can't be friends, right? Because no one told the other person how they really look. Are you guys a boy band?
When we all hang out, people call us the Dre Tones.
Pete
No, not the Dre Tones.
DDeion
Yeah, I got one better. Old Kids on the Block.
Pete
[shamed] That's a good one.
DDeion
What about the Old Street Boys? I got one more, one more. Bell Biv DeOld!
Yeah, well, these clothes are poison.
Pete
Yes!
Where's the nearest bathroom?!
Pete
I think they're pretty far.
Pete
What are you gonna do?
[runs to the ocean] No options! Can't hold in!
Pete
Go, Kevin, go!
[with camera] I'm getting it!
Pete
Sea biscuit!
TTed
Dibs on "sea biscuit" as my new team name!
I gotta have vacation sex with that!
Oh, God, Pacific Ocean forever unclean!
What we should be worrying about is people changing team names mid-season.
Well, I had to. Ellie was asking too many questions about "The Pleasures of Andre's Sister."
Pete
Well, we have all the answers for her.
Yeah, that's what I'm trying to avoid. So we just changed it to something a little more G-rated.
This is the stuff you're gonna have to worry about once Geoffrey starts asking questions about your team name.
Oh, "Pete Top, Kevin Bottom"? No, I didn't have to explain it to him. He intuitively understood that you were the submissive.
When do we get to meet this secretive lady you're keeping from us?
Pete
Eh, whatever.
Have you crossed over the perv Rubicon into...underage ladies?
Pete
No, it's nothing like that. I just got involved with a... married woman.
[smiling] Man, that's... [off Jenny's look, changing tone] that's wrong. You shouldn't do that. That hurts people
Try that again like you're not in a hostage video.
How is married life for you, Peter?
Pete
It's incredibly frustrating right now. I can't meet her here, I can't meet her there.
Sounds like you need a super-secret plan—you know, follow her into a dress shop, wait until she goes into the dressing room, then you follow behind her and you slam the door, you look at her...
Pete
Okay, hold on a second. Andre, Andre, are you reading Danielle Steel again?
Well, I haven't stopped. You know, I like to complete an author.
Pete
She's got, like, 178 books!
What's wrong about reading a book that can make you moist? [The others groan in disgust] What, I can't say "moist"?
"Moist" is the classy "wet."
Pete
Stop! You know what? Let me explain to you the modern-day affair. It's about, she tells me she's going to the gym, I have to drive 50 minutes across town, through traffic, to get there. It's extremely complicated.
Doesn't seem that complicated for her. I don't think you are her first, Pete—she didn't break the seal of adultery on you. You're not that special.
Pete
Um, excuse me, you don't know her. Georgia is a very nice person, she happens to be unhappy in her marriage, but she's promised me that I am the only person she's ever slept with outside of her marriage. [The others laugh hard] Oh, and why is this so funny?
Okay, you know what, that is the female version of, "officer, I swear to God she looked 18."
Pete
[leaves in a huff] Enough, all right? I'm not just gonna sit here and listen to this just 'cause you guys are jealous that I'm having a great time.
Oh, I'm sure she's telling you the truth.
She's not lying to you. She's never lied to anyone except her husband, children, family, in-laws, everyone else she feels is sacred in her life.
I don't agree with what you've done to the sanctity of marriage.
Pete
Because it's not right?
No, because it's not fair. It's bad enough that you flaunt your not being married in our face, but now you're peeing all over an actual marriage. So I decided to take a thick, hot, dehydrated, yellow, ropey pee all over your trade.
Pete
Am I seriously gonna lose to Taco? Come on! Vernon Davis is in a cast, so I bench him. Now he scores two touchdowns? What the hell's going on?
So weird. You should check his Twitter, maybe.
Pete
He's not Tweeting, he's playing a game, Andr... [checking feed on phone] Wait a minute, he is Tweeting. [reading Tweet featuring pic of Vernon with Andre] "Suck it, Pete #youvejustbeendoubleentendred"?
The League · 151 quotes
