Ruxin[on video will] Hello, I'm Rodney Ruxin. Everyone calls me Ruxin. And this is my last will and testament. First of all, congratulations for knowing me. You really knocked it out of the park, friend-wise. But now I have moved on—left this world for a better place.
Ruxin
My prize golf clubs I leave to Pete. No, Kevin... Wha... Andre...
Ruxin
No... Pete... No, Kev... You know what, no, throw 'em away.
Ruxin
Nope, sell them on Craigslist. No, you know what, throw them away.
It's classic. He even tinkers with his will.
Ruxin
Craigslist. Craigslist. A few things to clear up. Pete, your Paul's Boutique vinyl—I took it.
Ruxin
I listened to it, I scratched it, I threw it away and blamed it on the lacrosse team.
Son of a bitch. [noticing Sofia] Sorry.
Ruxin
To Jenny--honestly, I don't get it. I don't see what Kevin sees in you. I don't get you guys; never did.
Ruxin
Now, if I die or am incapacitated during the regular season, I bequeath my team to... Andre.
He picked me. Out of all of you, he picked me. This is great. I mean...
Ruxin
Andre, the shit just got really real.
Ruxin
And you better not fuck this up.
Ruxin
This has been my last will and testament. I mean, whatever, I'm dead now. So I just want to wish you one last hearty and heartfelt... Suck it!
I just look at all the players that are available, give them +1's or -1's for all their attributes, and it actually kind of works on women too.
Ruxin
How so?
Look, we all know, after the draft, there's not too much talent left on the free-agency market, right? The same thing is true for women after the age of 28 'cause all the good ones are basically taken.
They're drafted to other people's teams.
And those who are left, myself included, have a ton of baggage. Maybe it's a bad hamstring, maybe she's got daddy issues, you know. This allows me to ferret it all out and make the right pick.
Wait a second, so you live your dating life like you're just choosing someone off the waiver wire?
Pretty much, yeah. I mean, look, here's an example. These three nice ladies over here. The one in the middle—she's beautiful. That gives her a +2. But look closely under her fingernails—there's some chalk. Means she's probably a teacher, has to get up early. That's a big -1 for me. Also, very expensive necklace—not affordable on a teacher's salary. That means she's probably taken. That gives her a -2, which means I've got to find another player to pick up.
This is Sofia, the light of my life.
She's the most beautiful woman in the world.
[He kisses Sofia]
Ruxin
[sick] Sofia Ruxin forever unclean.
GGail
All right, you know what? I don't have to take this. You really messed this up. You could've had sex with the most pathetic, insecure, desperate woman you've ever met. I would have let you put me in a cage!
GGail
Have fun in your cage alone!
[as she leaves] Later, Gail.
Oh, I was just messing around. But by the way, great kiss.
[to Ruxin] I hope you're getting a lot of this, man because this is some terrific kissing right here my sister does.
Ruxin
Ugh! No!
I mean, you're such a good kisser, you got my dick hard, and I'm your brother.
Oh, come on, I didn't make you hard.
You can check. You can check.
I'm gonna go smoke a bowl. I'll be right back.
Holy shit, is this for real?
Ruxin
These seem hard, but they're...not.
How can an electronics store have 182 customers in one day?
I don't understand why you need to know fractions for the NFL.
[taking shots with two women] To the Wonderlic! You guys ever been Wonderlic'd?
Suzannah's giving away entirely too much of her tips.
You're still on Suzannah?
[breaking his pencil tip] Can I have another pencil?
The Wilson family has an eating disorder.
Ruxin
Just shut up.
[sitting back down] Who wants some shots?
[All finding Ellie singing "Pick a Bale of Cotton" while wearing Jenny's robe]
You know what, sweetheart? Why don't we stop playing a musical instrument and start watching television?
Yeah, I hear The Grand Wizards of Waverly Place is on.
You know what? Let's just get rid of this thing before we traumatize our daughter more than we already have.
You know, if we just put her in ballet, all I would have to return is a pair of Capezios and an eating disorder.
Ruxin
Can I propose a best-of-both-worlds scenario?
Ruxin
Maybe you should get some chocolate pudding, wipe it all over her face, and then she can perform Blackface Swan.
Tell me the story again. You were both running for the computer. You fell, she picked up the player. I mean, this sounds a little...
Ruxin
I would say that there has been foul play here.
Are you insinuating I put a bounty on my own husband's head?
Ruxin
In the video post, you said that you wanted to take him out.
It was a joke. You're on the message boards all the time saying that you're gonna put your D up Kevin's B. Do you?
Ruxin
No, because he is Pete's property.
Where's the nearest bathroom?!
I think they're pretty far.
[runs to the ocean] No options! Can't hold in!
[with camera] I'm getting it!
TTed
Dibs on "sea biscuit" as my new team name!
I gotta have vacation sex with that!
Ruxin
Oh, God, Pacific Ocean forever unclean!
Ruxin
What we should be worrying about is people changing team names mid-season.
Well, I had to. Ellie was asking too many questions about "The Pleasures of Andre's Sister."
Well, we have all the answers for her.
Yeah, that's what I'm trying to avoid. So we just changed it to something a little more G-rated.
Ruxin
"Too Hot to Handle"?
This is the stuff you're gonna have to worry about once Geoffrey starts asking questions about your team name.
Ruxin
Oh, "Pete Top, Kevin Bottom"? No, I didn't have to explain it to him. He intuitively understood that you were the submissive.
Hey, Shitsipper, you're six orders behind. What's going on?
Ruxin
I'm cooking as fast as I can. You got a tiny hibachi here.
You're not supposed to cook all the way through the meat.
Ruxin
Yeah, you are.
You leave it raw on the inside, you're wasting heat.
Ruxin
By the way, you don't have any soap left. I can't wash my hands with anything.
Oh, Princess wants some soap. Ruxin, I don't think you realize this, but the stuff I steal costs money. Why aren't you wearing the hairnet I gave you?
Ruxin
'Cause the hairnet you gave me is just a lacy thong, and from how stiff it is, I believe it's been used.
Of course it's used, that helps it catch the hair.
When do we get to meet this secretive lady you're keeping from us?
Ruxin
Have you crossed over the perv Rubicon into...underage ladies?
No, it's nothing like that. I just got involved with a... married woman.
[smiling] Man, that's... [off Jenny's look, changing tone] that's wrong. You shouldn't do that. That hurts people
Try that again like you're not in a hostage video.
Ruxin
I don't agree with what you've done to the sanctity of marriage.
Ruxin
No, because it's not fair. It's bad enough that you flaunt your not being married in our face, but now you're peeing all over an actual marriage. So I decided to take a thick, hot, dehydrated, yellow, ropey pee all over your trade.
Ruxin
You guys talking about the Should've-Would've-Could've Bowl?
Enough. Yeah, we're in the Sacko Bowl, we get it.
Ruxin
Uh-uh-uh, I believe it's not called the Sacko anymore—it's called the Ruxin.
Certain people are referring to it as the Ruxin.
Ruxin
Well, one of you two losers will be living with the Ruxin for the next year.
You know what? That trophy looks more like Joe Paterno than it actually looks like you.
Ruxin
And just like the ghost of Joe Paterno, it will loom like a shame cloud over you. You saw, but you didn't act. You knew what was happening, and you let it happen, and your legacy has been tainted.
The League · 151 quotes
