Ruxin[holding the Shiva] Free at last, free at last. Shiva, I am free at last!
Uh, did you just compare yourself to Martin Luther King?
Ruxin
Did he win his league?
Wow, you're feeling really good, aren't you?
Ruxin
I feel great 'cause I'm a champion and I'm here with my beautiful lady, my Shiva. But Shiva's a little naked today. That's why I got her this.
[He holds up a revised plate]
It's already got your name on it.
Ruxin
That's right it does. "Ruxin! Suck it!" Let the unrelenting reign of Ruxin begin. [Slaps the plate on the Shiva and hoists it high] SHIVAKAMINI SOMAKADARKRAM! I won the Shiva! The Dre is dead!
[Everyone looks in the sky]
Guys, was there supposed to be a solar eclipse today?
Ruxin has won. It is the end of days!
Ruxin
This is exactly how I picture it when I'm masturbating, down to the fact you're all watching! The only difference is Andre's wearing a stupid hat! [Andre pulls out his hat] That's the one. Put it on so I can finish!
[wearing the hat] It's not stupid. Will Smith has the same one.
Ruxin
I'm a lawyer getting the Fortune 500 out of trouble
But now I'm here to do the Shiva Bowl Shuffle
I'm the best and you're the worst
And if you need any proof, [holds up Shiva's senior picture] this was Kevin's first
Ruxin's number one, it's true, you can't stop him
Meet the rest of my team—Pete Top/Kevin Bottom
MJMaurice Jones-Drew
I'm MJD, Ruxin's first pick in the draft
He went with me, and we kicked all your ass
BGBrent Grimes
Brent Grimes here with the Falcons D
Keepin' Ruxin winning with my five INTs
SRSidney Rice
I'm Sidney Rice, hip to the IR
Won Ruxin the Shiva with my late-season charge
TTeam
We're Ruxin's team, winning every scuffle
And now we're here to do the Shiva Bowl Shuffle
Ruxin's better than you, Pete, hate to burst your bubble
And that's why we're doing the Shiva Bowl Shuffle
Ruxin
Shivakamini Somakandarkram
Shivakamini Somakandarkram
TTeam
He likes fine wine and risotto with truffles
And now he's doing the Shiva Bowl Shuffle
He's a league champion with George Clooney stubble
And we're all doing the Shiva Bowl Shuffle!
Ruxin
Taco, this sukkah is supposed to be for Sukkot.
Yes, and after Sukkot comes Taccot.
Taccot is an ideal plane of existence where the 12 tribes of Israel come together with people who are high on mushrooms and groove to Aphex Twin.
Yeah, I'll give you all-access passes at a discount rate.
Guys, can we take a seat, please? Sit. [The league sits down] All right, I've been thinking about this a lot, and I think our league is lacking something.
No, guys, trust. Every league gets to this point where we've cheated each other so many times over the years, we don't trust each other enough to make a simple trade. We've crossed the distrust horizon into the land of no trades.
Ruxin
Gee, I wonder who's responsible for that.
You are the Patient Zero of distrust, Pete.
OK, I admit it. But it's time for us to clear the air and get a little honesty going, okay?
OK. What happened in my apartment during the draft?
Ruxin
Did you guys cheat picking the draft order?
Okay, good. Now that we're all being honest, I would like to show you something. [Removes a drape and reveals a dry-erase board with everyone's rosters, to which they are all amazed] As you can all see, all of our teams suck. Some of the lineups aren't even legal. So in honor of Sukkot, I would like to propose to you what I call the eight-way trade.
Ruxin
Wait—an eight-way? But Andre's sister's not even here.
Andre's sister? Shotgun last.
I think I've come up with a plan that everyone will be happy with if we just...do this. [Proceeds to make several trades throughout] Okay, Andre, you're in need of a good defense. You have four tight ends. I have four defenses and no tight ends.
Kevin, three quarterbacks.
That could help out Taco, and the thing is, you got to start getting rid of some of these kickers.
I like kickers. They're the toughest.
Jenny, you might need more at wide receiver than just Michael Crabtree. Ruxin, you could let go of one or two of your wide receivers.
Ruxin
I'm not letting go of anyone good--no!
Package two wide receivers with the Baltimore defense and trade it for...MJD.
Ruxin
I like Maurice Jones-Drew.
I haven't forgotten about you, Kevin.
It's like a useless Good Will Hunting.
You just got a great kicker.
One more move, and it's done. Do we have a deal. [Everyone agrees] Sukkot pact 2011, all in?
[whispering] I need you to teach me how to be a liar.
Ruxin
[whispering] You don't need to whisper. We're in a law firm. Lying is encouraged here. Look, I am not your guy for this. You need a low-level maintenance liar like Pete. "No, I've never been married before." "Yeah, I definitely own my own home." "No, this isn't a cold sore." I'm the guy who you come to when you're ready to perjure yourself to protect an Australian mining consortium.
Ruxin, you are the best worst person I know.
Ruxin
Thank you. I am very flattered and insulted by that.
[as Ruxin, on webcam and dressed in judge's robe, bangs a gavel] What is this, Night Court?
Ruxin
Court is now in session. The Honorable Judge Ruxin presiding.
It's the Chosen People's Court.
Ruxin
Now, citizens of the League, there is no greater threat to league integrity than an uncommitted owner. Taco's lack of interest is a black mark upon our league. He's still starting Kenny Britt, who's been injured for weeks. And while I have no respect for individual members of this league...
Ruxin
...I have a tremendous amount of respect for the League itself.
This is bordering on sincerity.
Ruxin
And as your league champion, I, Rodney Ruxin, submit that if Taco does not start a lineup with active NFL players—not NHL, CFL, WWE, or Panthro from the ThunderCats—that he shall be kicked out of this league.
Ruxin
[bangs gavel] I have spoken!
Taco is vital to our league.
Yeah, and he's good for easy wins. All right, we got to put a stop to this.
Shadow government, all in.
Ruxin
[wrapped in flag and holding the Shiva] Shiva bless America...
PKPete, Kevin, Jenny
[hands in and break] One, two, three...we were never here!
Ruxin
I know you guys are planning something, so don't. Because I am watching you.
[Jenny quickly closes the laptop]
Ruxin
Just be careful of the paint you use.
Ruxin
Because I am currently representing a cheap paint company whose cans allegedly explode.
Just out of curiosity, what is your defense?
Ruxin
Well, if you are purchasing something that is half the price of your competitors, then there is a reasonable expectation that that product will explode in your face.
And morally, you're good with this?
Ruxin
There was just one word in there that I am not familiar with.
[on Ruxin's topless photo of Sofia] But the question remains, why do you keep it in your jacket pocket?
Ruxin
For personal use.
Oh, no. You do not masturbate to a photo of your own wife.
Out of everyone in your life, you picked the only person you can actually have sex with.
Ruxin
What? I'm not allowed to have porn in my house, and my roster sucks, so I need some material.
That's like if a serial killer wrote a romance novel, he would jerk off to his wife.
It's so great that you have your dad with us. That's awesome.
RRRupert Ruxin
Are you part of this group? I'm sorry, we haven't been introduced.
Yeah, I was over at your house all the time.
Ruxin
Yeah, you used to call him "that boy."
You told me to stop wearing black because I looked like Nosferatu.
RRupert
I'm so sorry. No, I don't recall that.
Hey, I'm Kevin. Remember me?
RRupert
Look, he still talks like he's seventeen. Sure, I remember you. What have you done with yourself? Let me guess, let me guess. Car salesman? Or, I know, failed inventor.
I'm actually a district attorney.
Assistant district attorney.
RRupert
[to Ruxin] You won. You won after all.
Oh, wow. Like father, like son. So good to see.
Anyhow, I'm not sure if you ever knew this, but we used to steal all the liquor from your cabinets and replace the bottles with water.
RRupert
I was quite aware. That's why I peed in the bottles before you ever got there.
That's why that mescal never tasted the same.
It's not ice cream, it's sorbet. You just gently take a little lick to cleanse your palate. Just gently. No, you're using your teeth. Biting is not good for the sorbet.
Who cares about the sorbet?
HNHeather Nowzick
Kevin, just let the sorbet know you're there with the heat of your breath. Awaken it just ever so slightly before you touch it. By accident, almost. By accident with your lips.
Don't be shy to get a little finger in there too.
Oh, so eating sorbet is like...going to church.
I don't really like sorbet, but I love watching women eat it.
HHeather
That happens. You know, it's like your tongue is dead weight. It fell asleep, and you [demonstrating] have to drag it with the motion of your head.
RRupert
I love the way Heather eats that sorbet. I myself enjoy the sorbet, but I like what you're saying about letting your tongue do that. You're doing something with your...with the movement of your head, but I find that you can eat the sorbet while keeping an active tongue. Like this. [Shows Heather, who does the same] Yeah, get active. Doesn't have to be completely dead. But it really is whatever you feel like. [Heather sticks her thumb in her mouth and pulls it out slowly] Ah...I like what you're doing there. You do as you feel. Dip it in. [Heather does so] And...deep, and you can make it deep.
I'm never gonna be able to eat sorbet like that.
Ruxin
I feel like I'm watching my own birth.
RRupert
[as Heather spanks the sorbet] Yeah, you show me how you like me to eat sorbet.
Can we get a palate cleanser for our palate cleanser?
[writing Ruxin's medical history] So, date of birth?
Ruxin
You've been at my birthday every year for the last twenty years.
Okay. Patient is being hostile. Are you a smoker?
Ruxin
No.
How many drinks would you say you have in a week?
Ruxin
I have, like, one drink a week.
Really? One drink a week?
Ruxin
One drink a week.
All right, do you engage in sexual activity?
Ruxin
Yep.
Ruxin
Only when your mom and sister are in town.
I'm not gonna write that down. Have you ever engaged in anal intercourse?
Ruxin
I refer you to my last answer.
Let me just give you a little brief recap here. You are a nonsmoker, light drinker who engages in anal intercourse with my mother and sister.
Ruxin
Look, Andre, just, please, I just need a couple of painkillers to get me through the week.
What do you think we're in, Tijuana here, you can just come in, tell me what you want, and I'll write you a prescription?
Ruxin
If we were in Tijuana, Andre, there would be a goddamn monkey in a sombrero blowing a donkey.
Not in a doctor's office.
An all-MacArthur Shiva Bowl, and I'm not even in it. You know, I did not set up this league to have a trophy end up with my wife's name on it or as a bong in my attic. I'm destined to never win it.
Maybe you're like Moses, you know—you're supposed to lead the people to the desert, but you're not allowed to go into the promised land yourself.
Look at this! Look at this!
Holy shit. Interception. Two points.
Go for the sideline. Keep going, Ed Reed.
He's got one guy to beat.
[Jenny, on a stepladder, turns to watch and starts to fall. Kevin rushes over to catch her]
Oh, my God. You saved me.
Kevin, six more points! You won!
I didn't even see the play.
You took your eyes off the game and you saved me.
Oh, I love you, dick cream.
[They kiss and Kevin drops her]
I'm going to the Shiva Bowl! SHIVAKAMINI SOMAKANDAKRAM!!!
Ruxin
[walking in with Ellie's collage] What is this?
This is why I wanted a new kid--this one's no good.
Ruxin
You cheated me in the draft order, and you thought you could outsmart Ruxin!
Ruxin, just look at what I drew up--you'll see that there was no difference in either way!
Ruxin
I'm not looking at anything 'cause all I see are lies and collusion! This whole season is null and void! Vull and noid!
The League · 151 quotes
