Rodney Ruxin quotes from The League

Ruxin

Your rando plus-one just Tweeted about my anniversary.

Andre

That's so great. Did she use the #greatevent?

Ruxin

All I know is that I just got a call from my cousin who is one of her 831 followers on Twitter.

Andre

That's so cool.

Ruxin

No, because he wasn't invited because I don't want him here because he collects ferrets.

Andre

Well, that's what you get when you live your life on the Net.

Ruxin

You know, your life on the Net is even sadder than your life on Earth.

Taco

Can I have your attention, everyone? It has taken me five years, but I've finally completed Ruxin and Sofia's wedding gift—their wedding video.

Ruxin

But we already have a wedding video.

Taco

Yes, but I was shooting behind-the-scenes footage with my own camera without any of you knowing. I wanted to capture the wedding cinnamon very day style.

Ruxin

I'm worried that her family full of conquistadors is going to round up my whole family and stick us in a basement and put yellow stars on us.

Andre

That's the worst case scenario.

Ruxin

What is it with Catholicism? Why is the baby running the show here?

Pete

No, no, don't touch, don't touch. You'll burn your skin.

Ruxin

I don't know why I'm marrying this woman. Why couldn't I just marry a nice Jewish girl—Andrea Greenblatt in fourth grade?

Pete

Because you like blowjobs.

Ruxin

I love blowjobs! I haven't even written my vows yet, Kevin.

Kevin

Your vows are the easy part. Very simple. This is what you do. "Love is a..." any noun you want. Any noun you want, all right? You just do that. "Love is a journey. Love is a commitment." And on the third one, you can't get it out. "Love is a...hold on, give me a second. [Starting to cry] I can't get it out. I just...I need a second. Love is a wonderful thing." And that's it—done.

Kevin

What I felt tonight was...

Jenny

Was "insert adjective here."

Ruxin

Taco has organized this whole night just to mess with me and beat me this week, and I'm not going to let that frittata do it. He's a sly fox.

Andre

No, he's not a sly fox. He's at the bar trying to cut his own hair with a knife.

Kevin

Why would you think I'm colluding?

Ruxin

Your wife asked you to do something, and you did it on the first ask. It takes my wife three asks before I'll do something menial like take the trash out, and we have a loving marriage.

Ruxin

Why are you and Kevin colluding?

Jenny

Have you ever been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia?

Ruxin

They brought me in for an evaluation in middle school, but I left before the psychiatrist could give me his final diagnosis. [Whispering] 'Cause he had it out for me.

Andre

You guys ready for the reunion this weekend? [The guys say no] You guys are going, right?

Ruxin

Absolutely not going to the reunion. Why would I want to go? The reunion is the worst thing in the world. I see all the people from high school that I want to see, and I don't even enjoy that.

Ruxin

[on Frank the Body] I don't miss that guy. That guy is the worst. He makes me appreciate you guys. That's how awful he is.

Kevin

Thank you.

Ruxin

And he called me the Herdsman.

Kevin

Oh, the Herdsman! We haven't called you that in a while!

Hyah!

Ruxin

It was never even my nickname.

Kevin

Ruxin, if we lined up every girl you had sex with in high school, we could run for 1,000 yards behind them in the NFL.

Ruxin

At least I got laid in high school.

Pete

Yeah, you got laid because you are a rabid hyena on the mountaintop, just digging up every scrap you could find.

Ruxin

People gotta eat.

Andre

Well, yes, that was the motto of most of the girls you dated.

Kevin

What's that thing on top?

Pete

That is Sacko del Toro, otherwise known as a bull scrotum.

Andre

Wait, so we're naming it after a bull?

Pete

No, no, no, no. We said we were going to name it after the worst people at the reunion, and I did: you guys. You're literally the worst people I've ever known.

Kevin

Thank you.

Ruxin

You're just saying that.

Pete

You're all sacks of shit. Here's to the Sacko.

[toasting] To The Sacko.

Kevin

I love it. I hope I never win it.

Taco

Smells like a new car.

Taco

In my spare time, I like writing obituaries.

Ruxin

Excuse me?

Taco

Obituaries for you guys.

Kevin

Your hobby is imagining what you're going to write when we die?

Taco

You guys don't do this?

No.

Kevin

[on webcam with Jenny, the others watching on their respective computers] Season's greetings, everyone.

Jenny

From Kevin and Jenny.

Kevin

We wanted to take a minute to wish you and your families a happy and healthy holiday season.

Jenny

We have so much to be thankful for.

Kevin

We have a healthy, wonderful daughter.

Jenny

Amazing friends.

Ruxin

So delusional.

Jenny

And did we forget to mention that we are both in the playoffs this season?

Ruxin

Here we go.

Kevin

It seemed to have slipped my mind. Yes, we are so blessed to have not one, but two teams in the playoffs. Most families don't have any.

Jenny

Andre.

Andre

Never should've made that trade with Taco.

Jenny

And this week's matchup should be a cakewalk.

Kevin

Yes, you are going to obliterate Peter.

Jenny

And you are going to kill Rodney.

Ruxin

We'll see about that.

Jenny

So from the first family of fantasy football...

Kevin

...to your family at home...

Suck it!

Ruxin

[praying outside by Taco's egg-filled Nativity scene] Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh eggs and Jesus and Santa and Travolta's guy and, of course, Shiva, please let him miss this kick and let me win this game.

Taco

And please make him stop stinking so much.

Ruxin

Hey, quit bogarting my prayer, man.

Kevin

Okay, this is the greatest day of my life.

Pete

I hope the day Ellie was born was a close second.

Eh.

Pete

Oh, my God, we are one gimme field goal away from an all-MacArthur Shiva Bowl.

Jenny

Do not jinx him.

Pete

Jenny, there's no jinxing. You got a top-five kicker for a 37-yarder with no wind in the middle...

Kevin

Silence! Here we go. Clean snap...snap is good...go to the top...looks good...

Pete

Post!

Kevin

Post?

Andre

Okay, I know you're upset right, but next week you're going to be so relaxed. Trust...[Jenny puts her hand to his mouth]

Kevin

SHIT!!!!!!

Ruxin

[hearing from outside] I won! It's an Eggsmas miracle!

Taco

[as Ruxin delightedly kisses him and the others come out of the house] Oh, this miracle smells like poo.

Kevin

Shit!

Taco

Did you lose?

Kevin

You shut your MOUTH! Every year I set this league up, every year, and I never win! This was the year! Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck! Bullshit! I babysit you morons! I babysit you! "Oh, help me out. Do this, move that guy around. I don't know how to set a lineup." Fuck you! Fuck you, Taco! Fuck you, Ruxin! [kicking over stands] Stupid Wise Men! Stupid eggs! Stupid fucking eggs!

Taco

My eggs!

Kevin

[still trashing egg Nativity scene] Stupid, stupid, stupid...

Ellie

Daddy, stop! Kegel's watching you. He's gonna report to Santa.

Kevin

Look me in the eye, Ellie. There is no Kegel. And there is no Santa Claus and there's no Christmas, there's no God, there's no Easter Bunny! There's nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, [breaking down] nothing!

Ruxin

I gotta say, I feel like I just won twice.

Kevin

It's time for our offerings to the ShiDre, and I think we should start with the Shiva Bowl contestants, and I think ladies before dickheads.

Ruxin

What if they're both?

Jenny

What are you gonna do?

Kevin

Ladies before dickheads, go ahead.

Jenny

[offering a donut-shaped pillow] ShiDre, your hemorrhoid donut that you earned in Vegas when you made that hard drive up Andre's backfield. May you sit comfortably for all the rest of your years.

Ruxin

Next, as a ode to your terrible fashion sense, Dre and Andre, [offers a red porkpie hat] I offer you the hat that you gave me for Christmas.

Andre

Okay, you know what. Forgive me, but I think that hat's pretty pimpin'.

Ruxin

Need I say more?

Ruxin

Well, Jenny, may the best man win this week.

Jenny

Oh, Ruxin, you know you're only here because I drafted your team for you.

Ruxin

I don't remember it that way.

Jenny

Really?

Ruxin

Really. All I know is that I got a killer lineup and I'm gonna get an amazing performance out of either Donald Brown or Steve Breaston.

Jenny

Are you trying to get me to help you with your lineup right now? You are unbelievably horrible, Ruxin. I cannot wait to obliterate you. And you are going to lose, you are going to go home, and you are going to savage your pud.

Ruxin

Very classy.

Jenny

Thank you.

Ruxin

You know, I am so glad Sofia's not in this league because you are just a brute of a wife.

Jenny

I am a great wife.

Ruxin

Oh yeah, because every wife completely emasculates her husband. For shame, Jenny.

Kevin

Babe, are you ready to go?

Jenny

Get back in the car, Kevin.

Kevin

Yes, ma'am.

Andre

Let me just review the stats for a couple of days.

Ruxin

Okay, every African dictator ever, you lost the elections. Now give up power.