Jay quotes from The Inbetweeners

Will

Look, I put a lot of effort into this! I made a really nice coq au vin…

Jay

Cock of what?!

Simon

You don’t help yourself, do you?

Will

Oh yes, I see, 'coq' au vin, very mature! It actually mean chicken in wine, doesn’t it, Patrice?

Quoi?

Will

Well, it does, and it doesn’t mean cock up my arse, or cock on my head, or…

Simon

…you got some cock in the back of a van…

Will

Or that I got some cock in the back of a van! Look, all I wanted was a nice, civilised and sophisticated dinner party. Just something a little different from the usual parties - maybe even the sort of party that girls are impressed by! Okay, so there aren’t any girls here, but why don’t we at least attempt to have a sophisticated conversation? I know it’s a tall order, and I’m not expecting sparkling, but let’s give it a go, eh, since it is my FUCKING BIRTHDAY!

Neil

How much Lego can you stuff up your bum?

Will

Oh, for Christ’s sake!

Neil

No not now, like when you were younger how much did you get up there?

Jay

You are grim mate.

Simon

Why were sticking Lego up your bum?

Will

Oh God, what if my birthdays just get worse and worse from now on? What’ll happen next year?

Jay

You get AIDS?

Will

I’d have to have sex for that to happen.

Neil

Or fuck a monkey?

Will

Technically, that still counts as sex.

Simon

Or drink from the same cup as Neil’s dad.

Neil

Oi, my dad does not have AIDS!

Jay

Oh mate, your dad is so AIDS, he’s the one who gave it to the monkeys!

Neil

You take that back!

Jay

That’s what the monkeys said to him.

Will

Why are you wearing trainers, Si?

Simon

Because they look good.

Will

I specifically said no trainers, not if we want to get into clubs.

Simon

Everyone wears trainers.

Will

Jay hasn’t got trainers on. I haven’t got trainers on.

Jay

You’ve got fucking flippers on. What size are they?

Will

Size eight, my size.

Simon

Oh, yeah, Ronald McDonald called. He wants his shoes back.

Will

There’s nothing wrong with these, they’re Italian.

Jay

(in Italian accent) Hey! Where are my-a flippers?

Simon

At least you’ll be all right if you fall in the Thames.

Will

Yeah, very funny! Would it have killed you to wear shoes to be safe?

Simon

Whoa, check out Neil’s car.

Jay

Yeah! It’s shit-hot!

Will

I’d say half-right. It’s shit.

Jay

Slow down a minute, Si.

Jay

(Leaning out the window) BUS WANKERS! (The boys all laugh as Jay gets back in and puts his seatbelt back on.)

Simon

Where did that come from? Bus wankers!

Jay

I dunno, it just felt right!

Will

You could see their little faces drop as they thought, “We must be the bus wankers.”

Neil

(Leaning over Will to get to Simon) Pull over, Si. I need a piss.

Jay

(Neil is in the toilet nursing his penis after cutting it earlier) What’s taking so fucking long?

Neil

Oh, mate, it’s not good. Get us some bog roll. It’s bleeding. Look!

Jay

Oh, Jesus, put it away, Neil!

Neil

I can’t. It stings when it rubs on my pants.

Jay

Well, take your pants off, then

Neil

Then it’ll rub on my jeans.

Jay

Neil, no matter what your old man says, you can’t walk around London with your knob hanging out.

Neil

Just who is this Duke of Edinburgh? Does he teach it?

Jay

No, of course he doesn’t teach it, you fucking idiot. The Duke of Edinburgh is Prince Charles.

Will

Um, no, he isn’t. It’s his dad.

Neil

King Phillip?

Will

No, I mean, that IS the Duke of Edinburgh you’re thinking of, but he’s not the king.

Neil

He fucks the Queen, though.

Will

Oh.

Jay

Probably up the arse.

Will

LOOK, do you wanna sign up or not?

Jay

You’ve gotta be fucking joking. There’s no way I’m gonna get bummed by some royal bloke on a mountain.

Neil

Yeah, fuck it, I’m in.

Jay

Because you’re a paedo.

Will

Well, if I did fancy old people, which I don’t, that would make me the opposite of a paedophile.

Simon

He is right.

Jay

Well, then, he’s an OAPaedo.

Will

Brilliant.

Jay

You’re desperate for a gum job.

Will

Am I?

Jay

“Oh, hello, I’m Will. Pop your teeth out, Doris, and have a little nosh on this.”

Jay

(Noticing Will asleep in the common room) Here he is - Sleeping Ugly.

Neil

He’s asleep, I reckon.

Jay

That’s cos he was up all night shagging.

Neil

Yeah.

Jay

I bet he creep into her room at night, kisses them on the forehead and then slides right into their powdery, old fanny.

Jay

Alright, Dad?

Alright there.

Jay

Dad, can I ask your advice about something?

What is it, Woman trouble?

Jay

Yeah, it is.

That little piece you were with the other day?

Jay

Chloe? Yeah. See, there’s this guy at school, right?

So she’s dumped you for this bloke? Well, that’s a lucky escape, I thought she was a facking pig.

Jay

No, she hasn’t dumped me, Dad. I think I love her.

So you’re back with the pig?

Jay

Dad, we didn’t split up, and please don’t call her a pig. It’s just that I’m just getting a bit jealous cos I think she might have seen a few more people than I have.

I’d say that’s a given, innit?! If she’s got off with more than one person, she’s beaten you hands down.

Look, mate. Women are like fairground rides. Fucking mental. Your only hope is that when she wants some, you do the best you can with your tiny equipment. Oh, and check where she is the whole time, that’s the only way you’ll be totally sure she’s not sucking off this other bloke.

Jay

Right. Thanks, Dad.

Although, let’s face it, she probably is. Fancy a beer?

Yeah. Shouldn’t you be revising as well?

Jay

Nah, I’m not allowed. Teachers say cos I’ve got a photographic memory, it wouldn’t be fair on the other kids.

Jay

Have you had a wank over Will’s mum?

Neil

No…not yet.

Will

Please don’t have a wank over my mum!

Neil

I can’t promise that, I’m afraid.

Simon

Hang on a minute, have you had your left ear pierced?

Jay

Yes.

Simon

Isn’t that the ear you get pierced to say you’re gay?

Jay

Well, there’s a quick way to find out, Neil, which ear’s your Dad got pierced?

Neil

Neither, cos he’s not bent!

Simon

Of course not. Will, which ear’s the gay one?

Will

Oh, I’m the last person to ask.

Neil

I thought you knew everything?

Will

Well, I don’t know any boys who’ve had their ears pierced… because I went to a private school.

Jay

I’ve had a toke with Mark untold times! I used to sort him out with Rizla and ting!

Will

Oh, so you’re a newsagent as well as a liar?

You lot seem very quiet tonight.

Simon

Yeah, well, it’s better than hearing non-stop bullshit

Language. What’s that on your head, Simon?

Simon

(Sarcastically) Oh, I don’t know, Dad. Oh, yeah, it’s a hat. Obviously. God!

Looks bloody stupid.

Will

We tried to tell him.

You look like a butcher.

Simon

Pete Doherty wears them, actually.

Pete Doherty’s butcher wears them.

Simon

Oh, I forgot you were a comedian as well as a cab driver.

Oi! I’m doing you a favour. Why are you wearing it anyway? You’ve never worn anything like that before.

Neil

He’s meeting a bird.

Simon

Neil!

Knew it. You’ve got that look in your eye.

Simon

What?

Sort of an animal look. I’ve seen it when you watch TV sometimes, X Factor and that.

Jay

What, when he sees Louis Walsh?

Simon

Funny.

No, thankfully Cheryl Cole. If his mum’s in the room, he has to pop a pillow over his lap.

Jay

Sort me out, geezer.

What?

Jay

Please sort me out, geezer? I’ve got 20 quid.

So what? What do you want from me?

Jay

You know, gear. Sweet Mary Jane. Ganja, man.

Oh, so you want to buy drugs! And you came to me - why?

Neil

Well, cos we saw you…

Cos I’m black? You saw a black guy at a gig and thought “must be a drug dealer?”

Jay

No, we didn’t…

You fucking white boys are all the same. You know. Scratch beneath the surface just a little bit, and you’re RACIST. Yeah, that’s right, I said it - racist.

Neil

But have you got any drugs?

Yes, I have, but that’s not the point. The point is you ASSUMED I had some just cos I’m black.

Jay

Could we buy some please?

Why should I deal to you? Hmm? Why should I deal to two little suburban racists who see me as some kind of stereotype? I’m at university.

Neil

But you are a drug dealer as well, yeah?

Yes, I do deal, but you keep missing the point.

Jay

Look, here’s 30 quid, could we just have some puff?

Yes, you can, but only because I’m a dealer, NOT because I’m black. Now fuck off.

Jay

Can you roll it up for us, please?