Mr Gilbert quotes from The Inbetweeners

(leading Mr “Paedo” Kennedy away from Neil) (whispering) I’m putting my fucking neck on the line for you, John!

As I’m sure you’re aware, there’s been a spate of vandalism recently, culminating in someone adapting the flower display by main road that it now reads (looks at paper on desk) “we cum tit village”.

(to Will, in his office) You’ve got until Monday to find out (who vandalised the roundabout flower display), or it’s 'Goodbye, first-rate education, hello, the University of Lincoln'.

As you can see from his rather natty badge, this is your new classmate, Will. As you share most of the same classes, Cooper, you’ll be looking after him.

Simon

Sir, that’s not fair!

Lesson number one of the Sixth Form - “Life is not fair.”

Simon

But, sir! Look at his blazer for starters! He’s got an actual briefcase! His shoes are clumpy, his hair’s a bit gay!

Will

Oooh!

Simon

…and that badge! I mean, the badge alone.

Jay

(goes to speak to Mr Gilbert, who he’s been forced to sit next to)

Don’t even THINK about trying to talk to me!

I was hoping you’d be able to do something about it, Mr Gilbert.

I’m sorry.

I just wonder what he said to them.

I don’t think he said anything, Kevin.

Oh come on, we both know Will. He must have said something.

He had to walk back through the town centre sopping wet and barely clothed, Mr Gilbert.

I had hoped you’d take this more seriously. He wrote to the paper especially to get work experience, and instead I’m picking frogspawn out of his underpants.

Would you excuse me, just for a second?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! OH! GOD!

Look, I don’t want it to seem as if I’m passing the buck, but it really is up to their employers. I will ask if they’ll consider swapping students, but I can’t promise anything. Now if you’ll excuse me, I do have a meeting to attend to.

Ohh… what a pickle. I’m not sure I should send Neil to the garage. Those men sound like brutes.

I think it was just high jinks.

What? Three dirty men throwing a young, naked boy into water?

I never said Will was naked.

Oh…I thought you did…

Will

(voiceover) Hmm, not quite the outcome I’d hoped for. Neil’s dad imagining me naked.

(whispering) What is it now, McKenzie?

Again?

Will

Yes.

Well, you can’t.

Will

(surprised) Sorry?

(whispering) That’ll be the 4th time in an hour. You’ll have to wait.

Will

I’m pretty sure you can’t do that, sir.

If I have reason to believe you’re cheating, I can. And I do, so I have. Now get on with your paper. (He walks off in the direction of his desk.)

Will

Oh, God, no. (Loudly, very high-pitched, despairingly after Mr. Gilbert) Phil!

Will

(again) Phil!

Will

Oh, no. (To Mr. Gilbert) Phil?

Oh, Jesus. (He walks over to Will. We hear other students groaning after realizing what’s happened.)

Will

I thought it was a fart, sir. (Very high-pitched) I thought it was safe!

Will

(voiceover, whilst this is happening) In a term of low-points, this was it. Literally, the bottom. And yet as I waddled to the toilet, I felt strangely optimistic. Things couldn’t get any worse. Painful as it may seem, in a way, I was free. Free to reinvent myself as whatever I wanted. Right after I changed my underpants.

Will

I’m still exercising my right to protest (about the fashion show)

Good. Just make sure it’s not a dirty protest, like the last one.

I suppose you thought that was funny.

Simon

Sir, no, honest.

Well, there’s nothing funny about testicles, Cooper. As you’ll discover tomorrow morning in my office.

Will

(Perturbed) Sorry, sir, that sounded a bit wrong.

No it didn’t. See you tomorrow.