TV show quotes
Characters
WillSimon Bird · 98 quotes
JayJames Buckley · 72 quotes
SimonJoe Thomas · 47 quotes
NeilBlake Harrison · 40 quotes
GMr Gilbert9 quotes
JJohn3 quotes
KKerryAbbey Mordue · 3 quotes
Most scenes together: Will & Jay (43), Jay & Simon (29), Jay & Neil (28)
As you can see from his rather natty badge, this is your new classmate, Will. As you share most of the same classes, Cooper, you’ll be looking after him.
Sir, that’s not fair!
Lesson number one of the Sixth Form - “Life is not fair.”
But, sir! Look at his blazer for starters! He’s got an actual briefcase! His shoes are clumpy, his hair’s a bit gay!
Oooh!
…and that badge! I mean, the badge alone.
(voiceover) Truth be told, the first-day nerves had got to me, so I went for what turned out to be one of the more eventful shits of my life.
You’re gonna die here, Will.
OK…
That briefcase makes me wanna punch you.
Of course it does.
What a spastic badge!
That’s been pointed out already.
Your shoes are well shit.
Yep, the shoes… Simon.
(referring to Carli) I’ve lusted after her since she was eight.
You fancy eight-year-olds?!
No, Neil. Our families are friends, we were both eight.
So? You still fancied an eight-year-old.
Anyone can be your friend. You just need to hang around them long enough.
Do you have any proof of age?
You have my word.
(sarcastically to Jay) Yeah, that’s it. I’ve had 210 wanks and my cock’s like a peperami.
Oh, no…
(surprised) Is that your mum?!
I told her not to come and pick me up.
She’s fit!
Yeah, I’d fuck her!
(hesitates) Thanks very much(!)
No, I would, though. Wouldn’t you?
Hm! Well, if she’s my mum…no?
But if she wasn’t?
She is, though, so…
But what he’s saying is, if she wasn’t your mum, would you fuck her?
(sarcastically) Oh, are we still doing this?
So you would fuck her?
No!
Look, I just wanna know, if you get down between her knees, spread them…
(cutting him off angrily) Can we please stop talking about my mother’s VAGINA?!
Get the beers in and let the gash form an orderly queue.
(to Simon) Sorry, did he actually just say “the gash?”
(entering a wine shop, dressed in Mr Cooper’s suit) Good day.
(looking up) Sorry?
(nervous) Good day.
Oh. Hello.
(to Will) Can I help at all?
(with several bags of crisps, to Shopkeeper) Yes, I am a man who has recently bought a house in the local area and I’m having a house-warming party to which I’ll be inviting a lot of the local adults. (counting the Pringles cans in his hands absent-mindedly) to…Hence the crisps.
Yes.
And I’ll also probably need some… (swallows nervously) …alcohol as well. As well as the crisps, et cetera.
Right. What sort of thing are you looking for?
Some… (eyes a bottle of gin on the shelf) …Beefeater Gin?
OK. So, how about two bottles?
(posh) Excellent.
Want some wine?
Christ, no. We’re not made of money! And I’ll have some extra-strong mints.
For those who are drink-driving.
Right. That comes to £29.50. Anything else?
What’s on special?
(suddenly fierce) I’ll give you a bottle of Drambuie for a tenner if you pay and are out of the shop in 5 seconds.
Done. My good man. I shall invite you to the party.
(coming out of the newsagents, laden with bags) Mission accomplished.
What’s in all the bags, then?
Just something to soak up the alcohol.
Crisps?
Where’s the beer?
Have you spent all our money on fancy fucking crisps?
You twat.
(taking out the bottle of Drambuie) What the fuck’s this?
Drambuie.
What’s Drambuie?
It’s sort of whisky-based liqueur.
What’s a liqueur?
It’s what benders drink.
Well, why have we got that, then?
(teasing) Because we’re heading back to yours and it’s your dad’s favourite drink.
Well, my dad’s not bent.
He is a bit, though.
He’s fucking not.
Right, let’s look at the evidence. One, your mum left him because he loves cock.
(to Will) That’s not true. Look, she was in a difficult place.
(teasing) In bed with a bender.
(teasing) Your dad, who is a bender.
Two, he wears tight denim shorts to do the gardening.
And the only night he goes out all week is Wednesday, and that’s to play badminton!
(annoyed) Right! My dad’s not bent, because he’s got hundreds of porn mags at home and it’s all straight.
All straight?
Some lesbian.
Right, well we should go and have a look at it in that case.
Well fine, come on, then.
(whispering to Jay) This should be good. I bet it’s 90% cock.
(singing to Simon, to the tune of London Bridge Is Falling Down) Carli’s fanny on your face, on your face, on your face! Carli’s fanny on your face, and your bell-end!
Oh piss off!
What? Don’t talk to me like that in my own house!
Oh sorry, my manners(!) Piss off, PLEASE!!!
I’ve had enough of your lip!
Oh you’d like my lip wouldn’t you? Right round your bell end! If Mr Chippy doesn’t get there first! What’s he gonna knock up? A closet for you to hide in? You bumder!
Well, you’ve had quite a day off. You’ve lied to your mothers, bought alcohol illegally, abused Neil’s dad, stole my suit, defaced the pavement outside Carli’s! Am I missing anything?
We also hit a spastic (simmo) with a Erisbee.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Inbetweeners pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.