Jay quotes from The Inbetweeners

Jay

Oi, Neil, hear about Boy? He was messing about up the rec, got his head wedged in a bottle bank. When they found him the next morning, he’d been arse raped eighteen times.

Neil

Oh, mate, that’s grim!

Will

I have a few questions.

Jay

Like what?

Will

Well, firstly, what was he doing with his head wedged in a bottle bank?

Jay

Looking for bottles, you mug.

Will

Okay. Secondly, the first 18 people to find him happened to be opportunistic homosexual rapists?

Jay

Obviously…oi, Neil, where was ya Dad last night?

Neil

Badminton, why?

Jay

(suspiciously) 'Course he was.

Will

And finally, after what was, at best, a humiliating experience, would he, as the victim, tell anyone - let alone YOU - about it?!

Jay

I used to sit next to him in woodwork.

Jay

Yeah, I got a blowjob when I was eleven off the cleaner.

Will

Who was your cleaner, Gary Glitter?

Neil

Was it good?

Jay

Yeah, amazing. I pissed right in her mouth.

Simon

What? Why would you do that?

Jay

That’s how you finish blowjobs!

Will

Christ.

Jay

And she said I was the best she’d ever had!

Simon

Through mouthfuls of piss.

Will

Before she had to get on with the hoovering.

Jay

I dunno what your problem is, I’ve never been out with a girl I liked anyway.

Will

Except for the last one, who made you cry.

Simon

Will!

Neil

Oh, mate, that is well out of order.

Will

(Incredulously) What?! After all he’s said to us?!

Simon

Yeah, well some things just aren’t okay. (To Jay) You alright, mate?

Jay

(Looking at the floor) Yeah, I’m fine.

Simon

(To Will, sternly) Apologise.

I don’t like the idea of you having sex at all, but at least I know you’re doing it somewhere comfortable.

Simon

Oh, of course, only in her vagina.

I meant in my room.

Simon

…So did I?

Jay

Why’d you say vagina then?

Jay

(pretending to be Simon) Oh look at me I’ve got a girlfriend and I love going round hers and listening to her shit music and laughing at her shit jokes and pretending she is fit when she isn’t.

Simon

Who isn’t that fit?

Jay

Your mum.

Will

Sorry, is there a sign on the permanently open front door saying 'this way to the free toast bar?'

Jay

(commenting on Will’s house rules) God, it’s like staying at the Ritz!

Will

Famous of course for its 'no chucking drinks or toast' policy.

Jay

Ah, yes, Will’s mum’s vibrator!

Will

That’s a rolling pin.

Jay

It’s still got that lovely smell.

Will

It’s a rolling pin.

Neil

How long you had the dog now, Jay?

Jay

Eight years.

Neil

And has he always watched you tug one off?

Jay

No! I wasn’t wanking when I was 10, was I?!

Neil

I thought you got laid when you was nine? With that fit babysitter?

Jay

…Erm…yeah, and that’s WHY I wasn’t wanking so much.

Will

(after a squirrel refuses to dodge Jay’s car) You’ve just lost a game of chicken with a rodent!

Neil

Oh, that’s so funny! He’s mugging you off, mate!

Jay

Right, we’ll see about that!

Will

Oh god.

Neil

Oh, why did you do that for?!

Jay

That’ll show him! Fucking little piss taker.

Will

I don’t think he was trying to take the piss, Jay!

Neil

Let’s go get a spade, we’ll bury it.

Jay

Nah, fuck him!

Jay

(Mournfully) His eyes look sad.

Will

(voiceover) So in Neil and Jay’s course of destruction, the death toll stood at ten destroyed daffodils and one piss-taking squirrel.

Simon

(about the dinner lady) That stupid ugly bitch just ruined it for me with Carli!!

Jay

Why, has she been controlling your personality for the last eighteen years?

Jay

I knocked out a cow in the countryside once, one punch to the face.

Will

Hmmm, course you did.

Jay

But then its mate saw what was going on and I had to scarper from a whole group of them. Managed to get off the gate, but then they stood up on their hind legs and started firing milk at me from their tits!

Will

Udders.

Jay

Yeah, there were loads of them!

Will

(after discovering Jay has brought some condoms) We’re camping by a lake near a river. What are you hoping to pull, a fish or an owl?

Jay

Look, all those country birds love a bit of big city cock.

Will

You're not from the big city!

Jay

Anywhere with a train station and a Morrison’s counts as a city to them!