Simon quotes from The Inbetweeners

Simon

(sarcastically to Jay) Yeah, that’s it. I’ve had 210 wanks and my cock’s like a peperami.

Simon

(to Will) You’ve only kissed three girls. Your type is anyone who’ll let you.

Simon

I’m gonna fuck your fucking fanny off you twat!

Simon

My penis is hard for you.

Simon

(to his parents) Brilliant(!) You’ve effectively ended my life. Why not go the whole hog and just shoot me? Or better still, why don’t you take me to the vets and have me secretly put down, just like you did with Patch?!

As you can see from his rather natty badge, this is your new classmate, Will. As you share most of the same classes, Cooper, you’ll be looking after him.

Simon

Sir, that’s not fair!

Lesson number one of the Sixth Form - “Life is not fair.”

Simon

But, sir! Look at his blazer for starters! He’s got an actual briefcase! His shoes are clumpy, his hair’s a bit gay!

Will

Oooh!

Simon

…and that badge! I mean, the badge alone.

Simon

(referring to Carli) I’ve lusted after her since she was eight.

Neil

You fancy eight-year-olds?!

Simon

No, Neil. Our families are friends, we were both eight.

Neil

So? You still fancied an eight-year-old.

Will

Oh, no…

Simon

(surprised) Is that your mum?!

Will

I told her not to come and pick me up.

Neil

She’s fit!

Jay

Yeah, I’d fuck her!

Will

(hesitates) Thanks very much(!)

Jay

No, I would, though. Wouldn’t you?

Will

Hm! Well, if she’s my mum…no?

Jay

But if she wasn’t?

Will

She is, though, so…

Simon

But what he’s saying is, if she wasn’t your mum, would you fuck her?

Will

(sarcastically) Oh, are we still doing this?

Neil

So you would fuck her?

Will

No!

Jay

Look, I just wanna know, if you get down between her knees, spread them…

Will

(cutting him off angrily) Can we please stop talking about my mother’s VAGINA?!

Will

(coming out of the newsagents, laden with bags) Mission accomplished.

Jay

What’s in all the bags, then?

Will

Just something to soak up the alcohol.

Jay

Crisps?

Neil

Where’s the beer?

Simon

Have you spent all our money on fancy fucking crisps?

Neil

You twat.

Jay

(taking out the bottle of Drambuie) What the fuck’s this?

Will

Drambuie.

Neil

What’s Drambuie?

Will

It’s sort of whisky-based liqueur.

Neil

What’s a liqueur?

Jay

It’s what benders drink.

Neil

Well, why have we got that, then?

Simon

(teasing) Because we’re heading back to yours and it’s your dad’s favourite drink.

Neil

Well, my dad’s not bent.

Simon

He is a bit, though.

Neil

He’s fucking not.

Jay

Right, let’s look at the evidence. One, your mum left him because he loves cock.

Neil

(to Will) That’s not true. Look, she was in a difficult place.

Will

(teasing) In bed with a bender.

Simon

(teasing) Your dad, who is a bender.

Jay

Two, he wears tight denim shorts to do the gardening.

Simon

And the only night he goes out all week is Wednesday, and that’s to play badminton!

Neil

(annoyed) Right! My dad’s not bent, because he’s got hundreds of porn mags at home and it’s all straight.

Simon

All straight?

Neil

Some lesbian.

Simon

Right, well we should go and have a look at it in that case.

Neil

Well fine, come on, then.

Will

(whispering to Jay) This should be good. I bet it’s 90% cock.

Jay

(to Neil) I suppose your dad needs the money.

Neil

He doesn’t, actually.

Simon

Rent boys don’t come cheap.

Neil

Oi, my dad’s not bent.

Jay

Then why is he paying for rent boys?

Neil

He’s not.

Simon

What, they’re freebies?

Room for one more at the front.

Will

Sorry?

One more. At the front.

Will

How can there possibly be room for only one more at the front?

Well there’s three people on the front, so there’s a spare seat there-

Will

Let’s just rewind a bit, shall we? Why are there now three people at the front?

Sir, if you could just get on-

Will

(getting more and more angry) They’ve pushed in! We’ve been queueing for over an hour specifically for the front, and they’ve pushed in?

Sir-

Will

Get them off! Get them off and make them move! Fucking pushing in!

Simon

(Aware of the scene now being created) Will, it doesn’t matter. We’ll sit at the back.

Sir, if you could just-

Will

Are they so dumb they think it’s okay to push in? Make them move!

Jay

Shut up, you plum, and get on the ride.

Sir, it’s the last ride of the day, please get on.

Simon

Will, honestly, it doesn’t matter, just get on.

Will

Fine, fucking fine! I’ll just…I’ll just get on. I’ll just get on, and sit at the front (he sits at the front and straps himself in) next to these inconsiderate arseholes.

Will

I’m the worst human being in the world.

Will

(voiceover) When I look back on my life, I’m pretty sure that ride will be a low point. But with a bit of luck, the others wouldn’t find out who I’d insulted…

Simon

They were on the front? Oh no, Will, no…

Jay

(laughing) Oh my god.

Simon

Oh Will.

Jay

Oh my God.

Will

Don’t!

Simon

(trying not to laugh) “Arseholes”

Jay

(killing himself laughing) This is the best.

Neil

You’re going to Hell.

Will

Please don’t.

Jay

What? I’m telling you, all the birds I’ve shagged love that!

Simon

So, no birds love that, then.

Jay

Well, your mum loved it.

Simon

Brilliant.

Simon

It doesn’t matter ‘cause she’s not coming.

Jay

Who’s not coming?

Simon

Charlotte Hinchcliffe.

Jay

I’d make her come. All over my face!

Jay

Fucking hell, he’s leaving.

Simon

No screams and he’s not covered in blood. Will must have got away with it.

Neil

Or Donovan killed them both silently.

Simon

She is so beautiful and she keeps looking at me.

Jay

She’s only looking to see if you’ve stopped staring at her.

Simon

She’s still looking.

Jay

Because you’re freaking her out.

Simon

I think we’ve got a connection. Her eyes! Why don’t we go over?

Neil

No, I don’t need to pull. I’ve got a sure thing lined up.

Jay

A midweek wank?

Neil

No. I’ve centered that charity blind date thing at school.

Jay

That’s tragic.

Neil

Well, that’s where you’re wrong. Because I get the choice of three girls to take out on a date. So I don’t need to spend my Saturday evening scaring girls like Simon does.

Simon

What if she’s feeling the same and neither of us does anything about it?

Jay

She’s fit and she’s the year above. She’ll never go for you.

Simon

Look, Will… Will, yeah, has pulled Charlotte Hinchcliffe. Anything could happen tonight. I’m going over.

Go away.

Will

(voiceover) With Simon’s humiliation, the party was over, and some of us had done better than others.