Neil quotes from The Inbetweeners

Neil

This has been the best night of my life.

Neil

What is Swansea, is it an animal?

Neil

(after reading his text from 'Saucy ASDA Karen') I got an STD! Yes, an STD! Whoo!

Simon

(referring to Carli) I’ve lusted after her since she was eight.

Neil

You fancy eight-year-olds?!

Simon

No, Neil. Our families are friends, we were both eight.

Neil

So? You still fancied an eight-year-old.

Will

Oh, no…

Simon

(surprised) Is that your mum?!

Will

I told her not to come and pick me up.

Neil

She’s fit!

Jay

Yeah, I’d fuck her!

Will

(hesitates) Thanks very much(!)

Jay

No, I would, though. Wouldn’t you?

Will

Hm! Well, if she’s my mum…no?

Jay

But if she wasn’t?

Will

She is, though, so…

Simon

But what he’s saying is, if she wasn’t your mum, would you fuck her?

Will

(sarcastically) Oh, are we still doing this?

Neil

So you would fuck her?

Will

No!

Jay

Look, I just wanna know, if you get down between her knees, spread them…

Will

(cutting him off angrily) Can we please stop talking about my mother’s VAGINA?!

Will

(coming out of the newsagents, laden with bags) Mission accomplished.

Jay

What’s in all the bags, then?

Will

Just something to soak up the alcohol.

Jay

Crisps?

Neil

Where’s the beer?

Simon

Have you spent all our money on fancy fucking crisps?

Neil

You twat.

Jay

(taking out the bottle of Drambuie) What the fuck’s this?

Will

Drambuie.

Neil

What’s Drambuie?

Will

It’s sort of whisky-based liqueur.

Neil

What’s a liqueur?

Jay

It’s what benders drink.

Neil

Well, why have we got that, then?

Simon

(teasing) Because we’re heading back to yours and it’s your dad’s favourite drink.

Neil

Well, my dad’s not bent.

Simon

He is a bit, though.

Neil

He’s fucking not.

Jay

Right, let’s look at the evidence. One, your mum left him because he loves cock.

Neil

(to Will) That’s not true. Look, she was in a difficult place.

Will

(teasing) In bed with a bender.

Simon

(teasing) Your dad, who is a bender.

Jay

Two, he wears tight denim shorts to do the gardening.

Simon

And the only night he goes out all week is Wednesday, and that’s to play badminton!

Neil

(annoyed) Right! My dad’s not bent, because he’s got hundreds of porn mags at home and it’s all straight.

Simon

All straight?

Neil

Some lesbian.

Simon

Right, well we should go and have a look at it in that case.

Neil

Well fine, come on, then.

Will

(whispering to Jay) This should be good. I bet it’s 90% cock.

Jay

(to Neil) I suppose your dad needs the money.

Neil

He doesn’t, actually.

Simon

Rent boys don’t come cheap.

Neil

Oi, my dad’s not bent.

Jay

Then why is he paying for rent boys?

Neil

He’s not.

Simon

What, they’re freebies?

Will

(voiceover) When I look back on my life, I’m pretty sure that ride will be a low point. But with a bit of luck, the others wouldn’t find out who I’d insulted…

Simon

They were on the front? Oh no, Will, no…

Jay

(laughing) Oh my god.

Simon

Oh Will.

Jay

Oh my God.

Will

Don’t!

Simon

(trying not to laugh) “Arseholes”

Jay

(killing himself laughing) This is the best.

Neil

You’re going to Hell.

Will

Please don’t.

Jay

Fucking hell, he’s leaving.

Simon

No screams and he’s not covered in blood. Will must have got away with it.

Neil

Or Donovan killed them both silently.

Simon

She is so beautiful and she keeps looking at me.

Jay

She’s only looking to see if you’ve stopped staring at her.

Simon

She’s still looking.

Jay

Because you’re freaking her out.

Simon

I think we’ve got a connection. Her eyes! Why don’t we go over?

Neil

No, I don’t need to pull. I’ve got a sure thing lined up.

Jay

A midweek wank?

Neil

No. I’ve centered that charity blind date thing at school.

Jay

That’s tragic.

Neil

Well, that’s where you’re wrong. Because I get the choice of three girls to take out on a date. So I don’t need to spend my Saturday evening scaring girls like Simon does.

Simon

What if she’s feeling the same and neither of us does anything about it?

Jay

She’s fit and she’s the year above. She’ll never go for you.

Simon

Look, Will… Will, yeah, has pulled Charlotte Hinchcliffe. Anything could happen tonight. I’m going over.

Go away.

Will

(voiceover) With Simon’s humiliation, the party was over, and some of us had done better than others.

Simon

Can you not?

Alright Jay!

Jay

Alright. Nice car!

Do you like it? I just got new rims for it.

Jay

Yeah, it’s well nice!

Simon

(To Neil, so Jay can hear) Ooh friend.

Neil

Ooh, car friend!

Simon

Ooh, car friend, shall we play football?

I’ve just got to pop home now, but, you can have a drive later if you like.

Jay

Yeah, maybe.

Simon

(High-pitched) Cheers friend.

Neil

(High-pitched) Car friend.

Simon

(High-pitched) Football!

See you later, then. (He turns left and drives off back home. Jay turns round after a moment, looking angrily at Simon and Neil)

Jay

He’s not my fucking friend!

Simon

(Looking apologetically at Jay) Alright. Friend! (Neil bursts into laughter. Jay storms off, quickly followed by Simon and Neil, who’re still chanting “Friend!”)

Neil

(High-pitched) Friend.

Simon

(High-pitched) Friend.

Neil

(High-pitched) Friend!

Simon

(High-pitched) Made-up football friend!

Jay

(Angrily) Just give it a fucking rest, will ya?!

Simon

(Normal voice) Hello, isn’t that Friend’s car?

Neil

(High-pitched, pointing at the car) Ooh, new rims car friend! (He puts his thumbs up too)

Jay

I’ll show you how much of a friend he is. (He moves to the front of the car) Fucking friend. (He climbs up onto the car bonnet) (In a slightly maniacal voice) Ooh friend! (He jumps; the car alarm goes off) Friend! Friend! Fucking football friend! (Jumping all the while)

Simon

I never thought he’d get that wound up. (We see that Football Friend is emerging from a house on the opposite side of the road, and he is running over, gobsmacked about what’s happening)

Jay, what you doing?

Jay

(Turns to face him, still with maniacal voice, still jumping) Ooh friend! Friend! (Normal voice) I’m not your fucking friend! Alright?! Alright?!

Will

It was true. Simon was right, he did still have his old friends. (Simon turns to see Neil and Jay imitating having sex with books) And he was welcome to them.

Neil

(imitating having sex with books) Books get me girls! Books get me girls!

Jay

(also imitating having sex with books) Oh, books! Oh, books!

Neil

Blind date books!

Jay

Fuck the book with us, Simon!

Simon

Neil, did you wet yourself in my new car?

Neil

It’s not really new.

Simon

(enquiringly) Did you wet yourself?

Neil

No. But I did have a bird back in here.

Simon

(alarmed) You fucked a girl in my car?!

Neil

No, it’s too small. Did a lot of fingering, though. She wanked me off a few times.

Neil

Any jobs for me?

Will

Wash your hands afterwards!

Neil

Oh go on I love boats, I used to go fishing with my dad.

Jay

Fisting?

Neil

FISHING!