Jay quotes from The Inbetweeners

Will

(as Yoda) PARTY HMMM, COOL THAT SOUNDS!

Jay

You know you are never gonna get laid.

What can I get you?

Jay

Cornetto please.

One Cornetto, is that all?

Jay

Do you want to lick it?

Sorry?

Jay

My Cornetto, do you want to lick it?

Oh that is kind, I’ve had enough Ice Cream today though sweetheart

Jay

Oh right, bit late am I?

Do you want something else?

Jay

Are you the woman who sucks school boys off?

Sorry?

Jay

Can you suck me off?

Neil

Oh go on I love boats, I used to go fishing with my dad.

Jay

Fisting?

Neil

FISHING!

Will

(a fish has jumped into the boat) Jesus Christ! How the hell has that happened?

Neil

I dunno, it didn’t have any bait on it.

Jay

Get it out!

Neil

It’s just a fish.

Will

It’s a fucking terrifying massive fish! Get rid of it Neil!

Will

(after Jay has let off the emergency flare) Why the fuck did you do that?

Jay

To get the sea police out!

Will

And say what?! “Help, we’ve caught a fish?”? We’re already in the harbour, What are they gonna do - tow us four feet closer to the shore?

Jay

(reading card) “Jay, you massive stud, please please spaff on my tits, from your Valentine’s bitch. P.S and on my face”

Will

It’s just funny all these cards seem to be written in the same scrawny handwriting? Your secret admirers are either all very young, or have severe learning difficulties, which I admit is a possibility.

Jay

Nah, look…the handwriting’s just bad cos they were strumming one out as they wrote them!

Jay

(On underage girls) If there’s grass on the pitch play ball .

Will

Well, what if there isn’t any?

Jay

By the time you find out, it’s too late anyway.

Jay

Looks like there’s some tidy minge here.

Will

Yes, it’s tidy because it hasn’t got any hair on it!

Simon

(To Will) Maybe Charlotte needs someone to help service her car!

Jay

Oh, I’d service her alright! I’d slide my dipstick in right deep!

Jay

Christ, Simon’s only gone and pulled himself an experienced cock handler!

Will

Or, someone so inexperienced she thinks this is the best way to pull a boy.

Jay

Well, either way, thanks to me we’re now watching Simon get wanked off!

Will

Yes, well we really do have a lot to thank you for.

Simon

He kicked me in the cock!

Jay

Good shot to get you in the cock!

Jay

Oh, she’d definitely get it. Right up the bum hole.

Will

Lucky girl.

Simon

(about the French exchange student) He seems a bit weird. He asked me if I’d tried the “Sleeping Beauty.”

Neil

Oh, it’s good, that.

Simon

What, you know it?

Neil

Yeah. You sit on your arm till your hand goes dead - ten, 15 minutes is normally enough. And then when you wank, it feels like someone else is doing it.

Will

How do you know these things?

Jay

Oh, everyone knows the “Sleeping Beauty.” That’s old.

Will

Is it?

Jay

Yeah, my mate’s brother invented it. He and his mates used to be called The Dead Hand Gang.

Will

They had a gang based on masturbation? Oh, there’s nothing gay about that(!)

Jay

Yeah, well, he’s in the Air Force now, so how gay is that?

Will

Still quite gay.

Simon

(about finding dates for Will’s birthday party) Maybe I’ll see what Carli’s up to.

Jay

Not being seen dead with you in a million years is what she’s up to.

Simon

Oh, I’m sorry, Russell Brand(!) Who are you bringing again?

Jay

Don’t worry about me, mate. I’m up to my neck in sluts at the moment. Maybe I’ll bring my new fuck buddy along - that little blonde barmaid from the Fox and Hounds.

Neil

You pulled a barmaid? Nice.

Will

Has she got any special dietary requirements? It’s just I’ve never cooked for an imaginary woman before.

Jay

Well, I know she’s not allergic to nuts. MY nuts.

Simon

Brilliant.

Jay

Or my cock.

Will

She only eats small portions, then.

Jay

Well, I didn’t hear your mum complaining, although her mouth was full at the time.

Will

Yep. Good one(!)

Simon

Have you really booked a stripper?

Jay

Yeah! She was only 150 quid!

Simon

How did you manage to pay for that?

Neil

We haven’t paid yet. We’ll just have a whip-round when she gets here.

Will

A whip-round? We don’t have £30 each!

Jay

Nah, it’s…oh…

Will

Great, so until an angry lap dancer turns up we are without female company.