Will quotes from The Inbetweeners

Jay

(On underage girls) If there’s grass on the pitch play ball .

Will

Well, what if there isn’t any?

Jay

By the time you find out, it’s too late anyway.

Jay

Looks like there’s some tidy minge here.

Will

Yes, it’s tidy because it hasn’t got any hair on it!

Jay

Christ, Simon’s only gone and pulled himself an experienced cock handler!

Will

Or, someone so inexperienced she thinks this is the best way to pull a boy.

Jay

Well, either way, thanks to me we’re now watching Simon get wanked off!

Will

Yes, well we really do have a lot to thank you for.

Jay

Oh, she’d definitely get it. Right up the bum hole.

Will

Lucky girl.

Simon

(about the French exchange student) He seems a bit weird. He asked me if I’d tried the “Sleeping Beauty.”

Neil

Oh, it’s good, that.

Simon

What, you know it?

Neil

Yeah. You sit on your arm till your hand goes dead - ten, 15 minutes is normally enough. And then when you wank, it feels like someone else is doing it.

Will

How do you know these things?

Jay

Oh, everyone knows the “Sleeping Beauty.” That’s old.

Will

Is it?

Jay

Yeah, my mate’s brother invented it. He and his mates used to be called The Dead Hand Gang.

Will

They had a gang based on masturbation? Oh, there’s nothing gay about that(!)

Jay

Yeah, well, he’s in the Air Force now, so how gay is that?

Will

Still quite gay.

Simon

(about finding dates for Will’s birthday party) Maybe I’ll see what Carli’s up to.

Jay

Not being seen dead with you in a million years is what she’s up to.

Simon

Oh, I’m sorry, Russell Brand(!) Who are you bringing again?

Jay

Don’t worry about me, mate. I’m up to my neck in sluts at the moment. Maybe I’ll bring my new fuck buddy along - that little blonde barmaid from the Fox and Hounds.

Neil

You pulled a barmaid? Nice.

Will

Has she got any special dietary requirements? It’s just I’ve never cooked for an imaginary woman before.

Jay

Well, I know she’s not allergic to nuts. MY nuts.

Simon

Brilliant.

Jay

Or my cock.

Will

She only eats small portions, then.

Jay

Well, I didn’t hear your mum complaining, although her mouth was full at the time.

Will

Yep. Good one(!)

Will

(voiceover) So whilst I was making my final dinner preparations, including putting on shit music girls would like, Patrice had been busy too.

Uh, I just had a really nice, er…tug, thinking about your mother, (Will looks up, stunned) and I think some went on the floor. Sorry.

Will

Great. Thanks, Patrice.

Simon

Have you really booked a stripper?

Jay

Yeah! She was only 150 quid!

Simon

How did you manage to pay for that?

Neil

We haven’t paid yet. We’ll just have a whip-round when she gets here.

Will

A whip-round? We don’t have £30 each!

Jay

Nah, it’s…oh…

Will

Great, so until an angry lap dancer turns up we are without female company.

Will

Look, I put a lot of effort into this! I made a really nice coq au vin…

Jay

Cock of what?!

Simon

You don’t help yourself, do you?

Will

Oh yes, I see, 'coq' au vin, very mature! It actually mean chicken in wine, doesn’t it, Patrice?

Quoi?

Will

Well, it does, and it doesn’t mean cock up my arse, or cock on my head, or…

Simon

…you got some cock in the back of a van…

Will

Or that I got some cock in the back of a van! Look, all I wanted was a nice, civilised and sophisticated dinner party. Just something a little different from the usual parties - maybe even the sort of party that girls are impressed by! Okay, so there aren’t any girls here, but why don’t we at least attempt to have a sophisticated conversation? I know it’s a tall order, and I’m not expecting sparkling, but let’s give it a go, eh, since it is my FUCKING BIRTHDAY!

Neil

How much Lego can you stuff up your bum?

Will

Oh, for Christ’s sake!

Neil

No not now, like when you were younger how much did you get up there?

Jay

You are grim mate.

Simon

Why were sticking Lego up your bum?

Will

Oh God, what if my birthdays just get worse and worse from now on? What’ll happen next year?

Jay

You get AIDS?

Will

I’d have to have sex for that to happen.

Neil

Or fuck a monkey?

Will

Technically, that still counts as sex.

Simon

Or drink from the same cup as Neil’s dad.

Neil

Oi, my dad does not have AIDS!

Jay

Oh mate, your dad is so AIDS, he’s the one who gave it to the monkeys!

Neil

You take that back!

Jay

That’s what the monkeys said to him.

Will

Why are you wearing trainers, Si?

Simon

Because they look good.

Will

I specifically said no trainers, not if we want to get into clubs.

Simon

Everyone wears trainers.

Will

Jay hasn’t got trainers on. I haven’t got trainers on.

Jay

You’ve got fucking flippers on. What size are they?

Will

Size eight, my size.

Simon

Oh, yeah, Ronald McDonald called. He wants his shoes back.

Will

There’s nothing wrong with these, they’re Italian.

Jay

(in Italian accent) Hey! Where are my-a flippers?

Simon

At least you’ll be all right if you fall in the Thames.

Will

Yeah, very funny! Would it have killed you to wear shoes to be safe?

Simon

Whoa, check out Neil’s car.

Jay

Yeah! It’s shit-hot!

Will

I’d say half-right. It’s shit.

Jay

Slow down a minute, Si.

Jay

(Leaning out the window) BUS WANKERS! (The boys all laugh as Jay gets back in and puts his seatbelt back on.)

Simon

Where did that come from? Bus wankers!

Jay

I dunno, it just felt right!

Will

You could see their little faces drop as they thought, “We must be the bus wankers.”

Neil

(Leaning over Will to get to Simon) Pull over, Si. I need a piss.

Neil

Just who is this Duke of Edinburgh? Does he teach it?

Jay

No, of course he doesn’t teach it, you fucking idiot. The Duke of Edinburgh is Prince Charles.

Will

Um, no, he isn’t. It’s his dad.

Neil

King Phillip?

Will

No, I mean, that IS the Duke of Edinburgh you’re thinking of, but he’s not the king.

Neil

He fucks the Queen, though.

Will

Oh.

Jay

Probably up the arse.

Will

LOOK, do you wanna sign up or not?

Jay

You’ve gotta be fucking joking. There’s no way I’m gonna get bummed by some royal bloke on a mountain.

Neil

Yeah, fuck it, I’m in.

Jay

Because you’re a paedo.

Will

Well, if I did fancy old people, which I don’t, that would make me the opposite of a paedophile.

Simon

He is right.

Jay

Well, then, he’s an OAPaedo.

Will

Brilliant.

Jay

You’re desperate for a gum job.

Will

Am I?

Jay

“Oh, hello, I’m Will. Pop your teeth out, Doris, and have a little nosh on this.”

Will

(to Simon) Good, cos I need you to do something for me.

Simon

Okay, what is it?

Will

Have a look at my cock.

Simon

(nervously) Um…

Will

Not in a gay way. It’s just that something’s gone wrong.

Simon

I think looking at your cock at all is a bit gay.

Will

Please, I’m serious. All my pubes have fallen out.

Simon

What?

Will

I was asleep at school, and I must have had a wet dream cos it was all sticky…

Simon

You spunked in the common room?

Will

Yes, but listen! And I went home to clean up and all my pubes came off in the shower.

Simon

Sorry, you spunked your pants in the common room during the day, when there were people around?

Will

(matter of factly) Yes.

Simon

And then your pubes fell out?

Will

(exasperated) Yes!

Simon

I think this is way out of my league.

Will

Just take a look at it. Normally, it wouldn’t matter, but I’ve got that date with Daisy in about 2 hours. What if she wants more than a snog?

Simon

Even a snog’s unlikely - no offence - but go on.

Will

Well, if the miracle does happen and if she touches or, worse, sees the bald old fella, what’s she going to think?

Simon

That you’re a porn star?

Will

Look at me. I don’t think she’s gonna think I’m a porn star, Simon.

Simon

Maybe you could draw some pubes on with a marker pen.

Will

(sarcastic) Oh, okay, good idea. And after that, maybe I’ll draw a six-pack on my stomach! Or a longer cock!

Simon

Or what about wearing a wig down there?

Will

(exasperatedly sarcastic) Oh, good idea(!) A cock wig!