Jay quotes from The Inbetweeners

Jay

(singing to Simon, to the tune of London Bridge Is Falling Down) Carli’s fanny on your face, on your face, on your face! Carli’s fanny on your face, and your bell-end!

Jay

Listen, lard-arse, there will be food, so shut the fuck up so we can get this over with!

Jay

Oh mate, you’ve gotta have a plan. One mate I knew, he didn’t have a plan and went in too quick, broke his knob in half!

Jay

Well when I fingered her, she shit down my arm.

Jay

C'mon I’ve got enough young meat for the both of ya.

Will

Oh, no…

Simon

(surprised) Is that your mum?!

Will

I told her not to come and pick me up.

Neil

She’s fit!

Jay

Yeah, I’d fuck her!

Will

(hesitates) Thanks very much(!)

Jay

No, I would, though. Wouldn’t you?

Will

Hm! Well, if she’s my mum…no?

Jay

But if she wasn’t?

Will

She is, though, so…

Simon

But what he’s saying is, if she wasn’t your mum, would you fuck her?

Will

(sarcastically) Oh, are we still doing this?

Neil

So you would fuck her?

Will

No!

Jay

Look, I just wanna know, if you get down between her knees, spread them…

Will

(cutting him off angrily) Can we please stop talking about my mother’s VAGINA?!

Jay

Get the beers in and let the gash form an orderly queue.

Will

(to Simon) Sorry, did he actually just say “the gash?”

Will

(coming out of the newsagents, laden with bags) Mission accomplished.

Jay

What’s in all the bags, then?

Will

Just something to soak up the alcohol.

Jay

Crisps?

Neil

Where’s the beer?

Simon

Have you spent all our money on fancy fucking crisps?

Neil

You twat.

Jay

(taking out the bottle of Drambuie) What the fuck’s this?

Will

Drambuie.

Neil

What’s Drambuie?

Will

It’s sort of whisky-based liqueur.

Neil

What’s a liqueur?

Jay

It’s what benders drink.

Neil

Well, why have we got that, then?

Simon

(teasing) Because we’re heading back to yours and it’s your dad’s favourite drink.

Neil

Well, my dad’s not bent.

Simon

He is a bit, though.

Neil

He’s fucking not.

Jay

Right, let’s look at the evidence. One, your mum left him because he loves cock.

Neil

(to Will) That’s not true. Look, she was in a difficult place.

Will

(teasing) In bed with a bender.

Simon

(teasing) Your dad, who is a bender.

Jay

Two, he wears tight denim shorts to do the gardening.

Simon

And the only night he goes out all week is Wednesday, and that’s to play badminton!

Neil

(annoyed) Right! My dad’s not bent, because he’s got hundreds of porn mags at home and it’s all straight.

Simon

All straight?

Neil

Some lesbian.

Simon

Right, well we should go and have a look at it in that case.

Neil

Well fine, come on, then.

Will

(whispering to Jay) This should be good. I bet it’s 90% cock.

Jay

(to Neil) I suppose your dad needs the money.

Neil

He doesn’t, actually.

Simon

Rent boys don’t come cheap.

Neil

Oi, my dad’s not bent.

Jay

Then why is he paying for rent boys?

Neil

He’s not.

Simon

What, they’re freebies?

Will

This is perfect. Simon passes his test, drives us to Thorpe Park, Neil gets us freebies, and I get to ride -

Jay

A man’s cock in the bushes?

Will

The Nemesis Inferno!

Jay

(to Simon, about a group of girls in a car up ahead) Si, we’re losing them!

Will

You make it sound as if we’re about to attack them.

Jay

I’ve just seen the clunge head towards Nemesis.

Will

Well sounds like they are thrill seekers too.

Jay

I hope they are cock seekers too!

Room for one more at the front.

Will

Sorry?

One more. At the front.

Will

How can there possibly be room for only one more at the front?

Well there’s three people on the front, so there’s a spare seat there-

Will

Let’s just rewind a bit, shall we? Why are there now three people at the front?

Sir, if you could just get on-

Will

(getting more and more angry) They’ve pushed in! We’ve been queueing for over an hour specifically for the front, and they’ve pushed in?

Sir-

Will

Get them off! Get them off and make them move! Fucking pushing in!

Simon

(Aware of the scene now being created) Will, it doesn’t matter. We’ll sit at the back.

Sir, if you could just-

Will

Are they so dumb they think it’s okay to push in? Make them move!

Jay

Shut up, you plum, and get on the ride.

Sir, it’s the last ride of the day, please get on.

Simon

Will, honestly, it doesn’t matter, just get on.

Will

Fine, fucking fine! I’ll just…I’ll just get on. I’ll just get on, and sit at the front (he sits at the front and straps himself in) next to these inconsiderate arseholes.

Will

I’m the worst human being in the world.

Will

(voiceover) When I look back on my life, I’m pretty sure that ride will be a low point. But with a bit of luck, the others wouldn’t find out who I’d insulted…

Simon

They were on the front? Oh no, Will, no…

Jay

(laughing) Oh my god.

Simon

Oh Will.

Jay

Oh my God.

Will

Don’t!

Simon

(trying not to laugh) “Arseholes”

Jay

(killing himself laughing) This is the best.

Neil

You’re going to Hell.

Will

Please don’t.

Jay

What? I’m telling you, all the birds I’ve shagged love that!

Simon

So, no birds love that, then.

Jay

Well, your mum loved it.

Simon

Brilliant.