Will quotes from The Inbetweeners

Simon

What shall I write?

Jay

“Spread ‘em. I’ll be there in half an hour.”

Will

Or, “So lovely to hear from you, it would be a pleasure to meet up.”

Jay

“P.S. I’m a poofter.”

Will

Where are all these women, then?

Jay

There’s loads. Just look around you.

Simon

Where?

Jay

Everywhere. What about her? (points to her on a seesaw)

Simon

She’s about 12, Jay.

Jay

Nah, she’s older than that. Believe me, Christ!

Will

People don’t get fingered for a bet, Jay. With the possible exception of your sister.

Jay

Take that back.

Will

Actually, I do take it back. Your mum, on the other hand, she’d probably get fingered for a packet of biscuits.

Neil

Any jobs for me?

Will

Wash your hands afterwards!

Simon

He was caught in the music cupboard wanking over the school orchestra.

Will

When?

Simon

Before we started.

Will

Convenient.

Move.

Will

Why should we move?

D’you want me to give you a reason?

Will

Well, I’m not leaving without one.

I don’t think you understand?

Will

I don’t think that you understand that we got up early to secure these seats and… (gets throttled)

Will

(as Yoda) PARTY HMMM, COOL THAT SOUNDS!

Jay

You know you are never gonna get laid.

Simon

You are all right with me seeing Lauren later, aren’t you?

Will

Yeah. Of course.

Simon

She’s pretty cool actually.

Will

Is she? (to the seagulls) FUCK OFF, YOU BEADY-EYED LITTLE SHITS!

Will

(a fish has jumped into the boat) Jesus Christ! How the hell has that happened?

Neil

I dunno, it didn’t have any bait on it.

Jay

Get it out!

Neil

It’s just a fish.

Will

It’s a fucking terrifying massive fish! Get rid of it Neil!

Will

(after Jay has let off the emergency flare) Why the fuck did you do that?

Jay

To get the sea police out!

Will

And say what?! “Help, we’ve caught a fish?”? We’re already in the harbour, What are they gonna do - tow us four feet closer to the shore?

Neil

Better kill it, It’s the kindest thing to do; it won’t survive back in the sea now.

Will

Well, that was a much more dignified end for it(!)

Jay

(reading card) “Jay, you massive stud, please please spaff on my tits, from your Valentine’s bitch. P.S and on my face”

Will

It’s just funny all these cards seem to be written in the same scrawny handwriting? Your secret admirers are either all very young, or have severe learning difficulties, which I admit is a possibility.

Jay

Nah, look…the handwriting’s just bad cos they were strumming one out as they wrote them!

Will

It’s not that I’m better than this, it’s just that I’m much cleverer than you need to be to work in a place like this.

Place like this?

Will

Manual. Dirty. Not stupid exactly, but not academic by a long chalk.

Steve here’s got a BTEC.

Will

Exactly!

I was hoping you’d be able to do something about it, Mr Gilbert.

I’m sorry.

I just wonder what he said to them.

I don’t think he said anything, Kevin.

Oh come on, we both know Will. He must have said something.

He had to walk back through the town centre sopping wet and barely clothed, Mr Gilbert.

I had hoped you’d take this more seriously. He wrote to the paper especially to get work experience, and instead I’m picking frogspawn out of his underpants.

Would you excuse me, just for a second?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! OH! GOD!

Look, I don’t want it to seem as if I’m passing the buck, but it really is up to their employers. I will ask if they’ll consider swapping students, but I can’t promise anything. Now if you’ll excuse me, I do have a meeting to attend to.

Ohh… what a pickle. I’m not sure I should send Neil to the garage. Those men sound like brutes.

I think it was just high jinks.

What? Three dirty men throwing a young, naked boy into water?

I never said Will was naked.

Oh…I thought you did…

Will

(voiceover) Hmm, not quite the outcome I’d hoped for. Neil’s dad imagining me naked.

Fack off, you’re a virgin, mate.

Classic virgin.

Will

If you must know, I’d spunk on the big ones! And I have had better than that, actually! And she’s got massive titties, and I fucked her hard and all night long!

Oh, right, so what are you and this little 'ornbacket up to this weekend then?

Will

Going to an under-18s disco where she works, so unfortunately you can’t come.

I can go.

Will

What?

I can go, I’m 17.

Will

You’re 17?!

Yeah, I just look older.

Will

There’s looking older and then there’s that! You look about 30!

So it’s settled then, Wolfie will come down and check out this bird.

Will

Fine.

Maybe Wolfie’ll pull her.

Will

Except he won’t, because she loves me!